to think that I can make things work?

[MamiLove]

Where do I start?

XP and I recently separated. We left the flat we'd been living in in London and parted our ways. He works in the City, so he rented a room in Zone 1 and stayed in London. I went back with DD (3) to live with my family in Spain. It has been like that for the last two months, and although DD and I are fine here, she asks a lot for her dad. I know that he is devastated and misses her terribly as well. It's been traumatic for both of them, but even though I struggle to find a way to reunite them, I simply can't.

Living in London is too expensive, and I am a freelancer, which means that I have work one week but might not have it the next one. Plus, ever since DD was born, I don't have time for anything (I was always reluctant of getting childcare when XP and I were together), so my flow of work has been reduced significantelly. Anyway, I have some savings, and now the opportunity has arised to rent a room for DD and I in a great part of London. We would be sharing with a lovely family with a son the same age as DD, and with similar interests as well. The location is REALLY, REALLY good, and it's very close to XP's work, so he could see her everyday. It really seems perfect except for one thing... my savings are barely enough to cover the deposit + the first month. After that, I would be left with what my XP gives me every month, which isn't enough to pay the rent.

I want to make this happen, but I am scared that money will run out and we'll have to come back to my family in an even worse situation. Not that they will say anything, but we have gone through so much already in the last months, it would be devastating.

So how could I make this possible? Maybe if we moved to London and found some childcare for DD. Then I could get a part-time job (any job, really), and afford the rent + the childcare. Or should we stay living with my family, which doesn't cost us anything, and try to save some money? The thing is that the room we have found in London is really, really great, I don't think there'll be another one like that (and it's not even THAT expensive for London).

Thoughts? Which of the two solutions do you think is more 'reasonable'? AIBU for wanting to pack our things again and take more risks?

I really feel I should flip a coin here ;o)

Sorry, not 'significantelly' but 'significantly' (English is not my mother tongue, please excuse my spelling)

Its summer you are with your family and things are reasonably 'ok' I understand your dd misses her daddy and that he misses her too but this is part of seperating,changes are made .

In my opinion youd be daft to move to London with no guaranteed income and away from the support financial and emotional of your family.

I think you need to build up your work and your savings before you find yourself flat sharing.

I dont mean to be cruel and indeed i know nothing of your situation but its very hard to remain 'friends' with your ex in the beginning and im concerned that you arent concentrating on your own emotions.

Its summer you are in Spain with your family,enjoy it and enjoy your dd.

'whats meant to be always finds a way'.

Ask for help. Ex-Dp has a vested interest in you (and his DD) being around so perhaps he can assist more.

Pc probs, apologise for any grammar ishoos

Ah nickschick, that's what the reasonable part of my brain tells me... ( But it's simply heartbreaking to see how DD is growing so fast, and XP is missing all that. He's always been a great dad, and they love each other. I feel there must be a way!

Sometimes I think the really crazy thing would be to keep them apart.

@Boys2mam, unfortunately, he can't help us more, and I know it's true. Sad but true. (

OK just to clarify, when this smiley appears ( is this I other what I mean :-(.

is what you mean - I understand that,youre in a horrid position.

Something will work out but I really do think you need to do what best/safest/most secure for yourself and your dd.

Could you consider living outside London so ex could visit you both at weekends? Would you be able to claim any benefits here to help you out (sorry, I don't have a lot of knowledge re:benefits these days)...Would he be willing to support you more financially/help you find some work in order to have dd closer?
Sorry about the 20 questions, just wondered why all this seems to be on your shoulders...

Would it be possible for both you and xp to move further a field? I know he will need to commute but maybe if he goes a bit further out he can afford to help you more and then you would have cheaper rent as well?

Or does DP have a job that he could do in other parts of the country? He may not make quite as much money... but the cost of living would be a lot less else where.

Thanks all for your replies. Well I have finally decided to wait until the end of the summer to move to London. In that time, I'll be able to save some work & money, and we'll see.

Thanks very much for your frank advice, it was just what I needed.

Big hugs to all!

I think you are mature and wonderful for putting the needs of your child and her relationship with her dad as a priority in your life. It says a lot about you as a person!

The house share you've been offered sounds like a good opportunity, but only you can decide whether it's the best thing for you all. There've been some good suggestions on here about how to live as co-parents, geographically close together. I hope that your XP is as committed as you to making that a reality. I really hope that you can find a solution that results in your DD growing up with her dad a big part of her life. Good luck!

Are you getting all the help you are entitled to? Are you getting working tax credit for example? I don't now if you're entitled to this, but if so it could make a huge difference. You need to be working a certain amount of hours a week (is it 16 or 20, I forget?) but they can cope with freelancers. DP works freelance. For WTC they just asked us for a weekly average, taken across the whole year.

If you are entitled to WTC, you may well be entitled to 70% off childcare costs.

If you're don't work enough hours for WTC, then you might be eligible for income support.

See what you're entitled to at www.entitledto.org

We found a great childminder using www.childcare.co.uk. You can write to potential CMs and ask to see their OFSTED reports before arranging to met them (or not). It took us a while, as we needed to find someone flexible, as DP's hours are so random but we found a lovely CM who can cope with ad-hoc care. She has a couple of assistants, and between them they have up to 6 children all DS's age. He obviously gets a lot out of being with the other children.