to find friend's comments about shy DD insensitive?

[Goofymum]

and actually just downright rude and unnecessary?
My DD (4 years old) is shy and takes her time warming up to people and situations she doesn't know. She still takes her time even if she knows cetain people fairly well, especially adults. So today we visit some friends she knows from preschool. I've known the mum for a while, since before we had kids. This mum seems to always focus or the fact that DD is shy. She said today "will I get any words out of you today?" and then said her older DD has a friend the same as my DD and that little girl had not said a word in school all year. That was the first comment that irked me. I simply said that DD was fine at nursery (she is, she participates in group discussions with a bit of coaxing and is outgoing with other kids)and I said DD will take a while to get comfortable (giving DD a little squeeze as I said it).
A while later my DD came to me saying that that other girl had put mud on her arm. The other mum said "well firstly 'her DD' shouldn't have done that and secondly why did 'my DD' just sit there and let it happen?" I was a bit taken aback not knowing what to say, not wanting to cause a scene and simply asking my DD if she had said No to the other girl. I am just really pissed off that my DD could seen as being equally in the wrong for just 'simply taking it' cos she didn't hit back or shout out and that it's another dig at my DD for not speaking up.
I know I'm being sensitive and I hate other people getting so wound up and judgemental about my DD being shy. It probably stems from the fact that I was shy and still suffer but have found ways to cope. I don't want my DD going through the same difficulties I went thru and also wish people could let her be herself and she'll open up in her own good time. There. Got it off my chest!!!!

I feel your annoyance and understand it. I think that what the other mum was probably trying to say (albiet it badly) was that your dd should just say please don't (or something similar)

It will not make your dd feel any better if your friend is sharp with her - actually probably make her feel more itimidated.

From a mum who has a friend whos DC's constantly come up with 'he did that, said this' etc it can make you feel (not quite sure how to put it but kinda like your dc is being naughty) when actually they are just playing.

I think if it's bothering you then you should limit or stop the visits as its not worth it if you and dd don't enjoy it.

This is not a judgement just a genuine question but whats dd like when your not there?

I know my friend probably just didn't understand why my DD did just let it happen if it bothered her and why did it bother her in the first place, they were just playing.

In the whole I do enjoy this friend's company I think she is just insensitive to the shy issue. Maybe I should explain to her next time that we don't focus on DD's shyness as it makes her worse and that she'll open up in time and if she's comfortable.

Re: what's she like when I'm not there, I only know this from teacher feedback from nursery. They say that she really is opening up now and that she is outgoing and plays well with the other children, shares well but she is a little quiet in group discussions but that she's getting better with practice. With my parents when I'm not there she's outgoing and chatty. When they have a visitor when I'm not there my DD quietens down again but then it doesn't take her long to warm up again. My parents are great tho, they never push her to do anything she doesn't want to do and they never label her as shy. They just accept her.

She recently pleaded to join a kids club on holiday and we left her there for the afternoon. She loved it but I think it helped her that her little sister was with her. I don't have any worries about her going to school in September. I know she'll make friends easily but she will be quiet in class. I will chat to the teachers and hopefully if they're any good they'll be able to draw her out so that she can contribute - she has so much to offer I'd hate her to keep in all in ( like I did in school alot of the time!)

FWIW I think you are doing the right thing with regards to dd 'shyness'.

There are 2 things really that drawing attention to it can do:

1. make her realise being shy gets her attention and therefore she'll keep doing it IYSWIM

2. she'll feel even more intimidated and become even shyer.

I always agree with leaving children be and a quick off you go then, oh your alright, answer the question please-then drop it- lets them come outta their shell in there own time.

My ds is shy for about first 5 minutes with people he doesn't know then warms up. The more he's forced the more he resists and becomes a stubborn little bugger

IME the teacher at school tried to 'force' friendships as he was relying on the only child from pre school he knew and it made him really reluctant towards her in all areas of school. After politly telling her to back off and give him space he made loads of friends and became a different child.

I do think speaking to the teacher in advance is the best thing and just being honest with your friend. She probably doesn't even realise she is doing it IYSWIM

I think I understand what you are saying - dd now aged 10 has always been quiet, but mixes very well with her peers but clams up at most social ocassions with sometimes getting tghe 'will we get a word' type comments.
I did google highly sensitive children (this was 2006), and it led me to a "thread" from a site called "Mumsnet".....I thought I'd just check it out......

Jabberwocky, now in US, was incredibly helpful and pointed me to a book about children who are highly sensitive and this can often be mistaken for a simple shyness. I do understand much better about dd and never but never make it a topic as it is regressive. Check out HSC and see if it corresponds with your dd?

ah a book yes read that probably puts it much better than I did!!!!

I did lend the book out years ago and forget the authors name, but she also did a book on Highly Sensitive Adults.
She points up some observable traits such as being VERY careful, standing back at first and watching others before diving in, high degree of empathy with other's feelings. That sort of thing.

Thanks for that - I may look up that book as I've never really thought about shyness being mixed up with being highly sensitive. I do think my DD is highly sensitive - she has all those traits you mention especially being extremely empathetic. It would be a great response to the friend in question if she made a comment again - I could just say DD is highly sensitive.

Have just looked up 'The Highly Sensitive Child: helping our children thrive when the world overwhelms them' by Elaine Aron. The write up sounds great and just like DD. I am going to order it. Thanks LordPanofthePeaks!

most excellent! It may not reflect your dd, but it gives a helping dollop of understanding things more than just being 'shy'. Good luck.