to ask DH to stop parenting his mother

[shinypants]

and start being a dad to our DC and a husband to me?

I love my DH very much but we have not been getting on well for a couple of years and his relationship with his mother, her attitude and the problems she causes has made things infinitely worse.

DH was diagnosed with depression last year and has also lost his job. MIL has mental health problems and physical disability, she is very manipulative with DH and plays mind games with him (his description not mine). She can be very nasty and threatening. I no longer have any contact with her although I try my best to support DH in his relationship with her and to let her see our DC (I would be happy for DC to never set eyes on her again, but I keep this to myself). DH has no other family.

My specific issue at the moment is that he tells me that he is "having a bad day" with his depression and he feels she has caused this, this happens about 3-5 days every week. Because of the state our relationship is currently in, I feel that we don't have much scope for many more of these "bad days" which result in me and the DC not seeing him or when we do he is quite heavily medicated so i have to do absolutely everything.

I want to tell him that MIL is an adult and should be able to act as such, a lot of her problems seem to be behavioural and attention seeking, rather than due to mental health but I have no expertise in this area. I appreciate he may at times need to act as a carer but I think his priority should be our DC. I think I won't be able to stick it out much longer as every time we make some headway with another problem, something happens with MIL that just makes everything worse and we are back to square one.

AIBU to say this to him?

TIA and I appreciate any advice (even flaming if it's useful )

I'd say it.

If you don't say it, resentment will eat away at you and your relationship will probably fail anyway. At this point you have nothing to lose.

Sounds like your relationship is falling apart anyway

what have you got to lose by saying something and trying to sort this out.

I would be brutally honest and lay it on the line - its then up to him to sort it - maybe he needs an ultimatum

Thanks for replying

I've always tried to stay clear of an ultimatum (although I've been seriously tempted many a time!) as I know that it would've been cast up to me time and again.

I guess it's just time to accept that I can't go any further with this and move on

I'm sorry that you're in this situation.

Might I suggest that you also post in Relationships, it's a really good place for support and advice.

I would move you and your family away from the mil - that is the only way imo.

Personally I would issue the ultimatum at this stage. Because it really is finished if it carries on as is. Be prepared to work out aay forward. But if MIL being in that future is not sustainable for you then you need to explain this (and accept that he may choose her over your family)

I am so sorry you are in this situation, it sounds like you're all haveing a horrendous time at the moment.

I agree with AvrilHeytch, it might be worth looking into counselling. Does your MIL currently receive any care from community providers? If not, this may also be another avenue to explore.

I agree with other posters who have said that you need to be firm with DH - I appreciate that this is his mum, but ultimately he has to do what is best for him and his children. Good luck and I hope everything works out.

You definately need to say something.

I really feel for you. Eighty percent of people in a relationship with someone with major clinical depression end up with it themselves and not for no reason - it is very, very tough to deal with. I agree with taking your mil out of the occasion. Right now this isnt a good environment for your children and I think you need to think carefully about whether you can sustain this for much longer. He is unlikely to make the break from his mother without deciding to himself and serious support. You can tell him you feel he needs that and position it as you are seriously concerned for him and his family if he doesnt seek help to cope with his feelings but if he still wont try then you have to start putting yourself and your kids first before you end up with mental health issues and serious resentment of your own.

Thanks to all for your replies

I have recently done some research into his relationship with MIL after reading about Emotional Abuse on here and I've found so many similarities that most of what I've read could've been written just for them IYSWIM.

The depression is difficult to deal with and I can honestly say that I do feel resentful at times - that he can go of to bed etc with an "invisible" illness while I have to continue with work, DC, house, life etc but I recognise it for what it is and I keep my feelings to myself. He is addressing his issues with counselling and anti-depressants, I am going to look at CBT to see if that would help but I'm not actually sure what it is at the moment

MIL did have community support but this has been withdrawn, she is still under CPA and has a psychiatrist and CPN. Things have got steadily worse as DH has progressed in his life, starting a relationship with me, having DC and getting his degree and moving into a career that he loved. It seems that everytime something good happens for him/us, there is a backlash from MIL as attention is diverted from her and she really doesn't like it.

I don't think I am focussing on MIL when the real issue is the depression (I really hope I'm not) I really feel that his recovery is being seriously hampered by her.

I want to ask him to recognise MIL and her behaviour for what it is (EA) to deal with it, learn to cope with it and move on. I think if I could support him properly (or point him in the right direction) with this then they could continue to have some semblance of a relationship. Obviously the depression makes this difficult at the moment and also my lack of expertise (I'm a bit crap TBH)

Do you think I'm just completely over my head? What should I do next?

Hi swallowed, thanks for perservering

he normally just says something like "well, I don't want to have anything to do with her (MIL) and I'll just fuck her off" (soz for bad language )

but then he doesn't and I don't think he can live with the guilt, then I think he feels a bit shit for making bold statements and not carrying them through

Can I also re-iterate at this point that I have never asked him to give up his mother, but I have had to limit her involvement in our family due to her behaviour, attitude and alcoholism.

Thanks again, I think I know what I need to do now

How about asking him to stop contact with his mother for four months, after which he can re-assess and make a decision whether he wants to reassume contact on the same or better terms or drop it completely?

Hopefully after he has had a break and his own mh has improved he will be strong enough either to ditch her or at least set some better boundaries.

Putting it to him as a break rather than an absolute may be easier for him to deal with now in his vulnerable state.