to just want to be understood?

[FredTheBear]

I'm going for a laproscopy in the next couple of weeks and when I told the consultant I wasn't having any more children he said I could be sterilised at the same time if I wanted. In one way this really isn't a big decision. I don't want more children & i have to have the surgery anyway, pretty much a no brainer. But at the same time, it kind of feels like a really big deal - like another milestone in my life - sweet 16, getting married, having kids, not being able to have more kids (what's next, kids graduate, get married??). But when I try to explain this to DH all I get is, it's not a big deal, what's there to talk about, it's your decision, nothing to do with me, and anyway, you decided years ago you weren't having another baby so why ask me now?! Everything is so black and white to him - is it really so unreasonable to think he might try & understand for a second that this feels like a big step even though in any practical sense the decision was made a long time ago?

imo its a huge decision, so dont be too hard on your self. there is always that what if
...what if i change my mind, what if we split up and i meet some one else and want another child.

fwiw i watched a very close friend of mine have a hystorectomy (sp?) she is 25 has 2 beautiful boys and decided she never wanted anymore, but being told she couldnt have anymore was still really upsetting for her.

i'm sorry your dh doesn't understand. why dont you try saying that you just want to be able to talk it through, you dont want him to make any decisions or choices you just need him to listen?

Difficult one, you made a choice years ago that there would be no more babies, sounds like you were pretty determined, so it could be argued that you effectively took his choice away - he will have had time to come to terms with this by now.

Now you have decided to be sterilised, your choice of having another baby is also being taken away. I think you need to come to terms with this, like he probably had to.

It is a milestone, but one he has gone through too and maybe without anyone realising how he felt (you say he says the decision not to have more babies was nothing to do with him

you sound like you have a good relationship, tell him how you feel, acknowledge he may have felt like this too but had no-one to share his feelings with.

YANBU. It'a a miassive decision even though you don't want more dc. I feel the same. I have no desire to have more children but I am only 31. Friends have asked if dh will get the snip but I said I don't want him to. Not yet. He's only 33 and we have a few years left where we could change our minds.

I think i'd feel differently if I was older. My mum used to get very bad and heavy periods every couple of weeks. She was shocked when her doctor(female doc) suggested a hystorectomy(sorry for bad sp dc been up since 5.50 and I can't think how it's seplt) Mum would've been late 40's at the time, 3 children, and I think if I was her I would've considered it more seriously rather than have the pain she was suffering. But to mum she felt it would make her less of a woman.

YANBU to want dh to understand why you feel this way, even though it seems the sensible thing to do

I think it is difficult for men to understand.

We had decided no more children when I was told I had cervical cancer and had to have a hysterectomy. That was more than 4 years ago and I still have moments of sadness that my body has changed and I can't have more children.

For Dh though it was always about me being ill and me getting better. He has never completely understood I don't think. He has always been massively supportive, I'm not knocking him at all, I just think it's different for men.

It's something you have to come to terms with and be sure you are making the right decision. It is a big decision, take your time making it.

My consultant when I had my hysterectomy was great and said it's quite normal to feel a sense of loss.

It is a big deal - it's part of your female identity, if you like. It's one thing to have the kit and choose not to use it, it's another thing entirely to never be able to use it again.

Ask your DH how he would feel if he was having a vasectomy for medical reasons, removing any future chance of him changing his mind about having no more DC - see if that ups his understanding levels any.

My DH recently had a vasectomy. We have 4 DC and I have felt the odd pang when I think about having no more babies (it's the end of an era, and our DC are so wonderful it does seem a shame that I will never have another one). It is a big deal, even when you know you've made the right choice, for the best of reasons.