Please help me get this into perspective if possible??

[sparklefrog]

DD is 21 months old, and adorable.

XP and I split when DD was 6 months. Before the split, XP would phone MIL practically every time we had an argument, and MIL would listen to XP, then say I must have PND.

I didn't have PND, I had an abusive thieving lying cheating twat of a DP.

Anyway, since DD was born, MIL treated her, fawned over her, I felt she tolerated me for the sake of DD.

When I split with XP, he abducted DD and took her to MIL's house and MIL welcomed them, encouraged XP to report me to SS for apparently being an unfit mother and to apply for a council property, and get residency.

I got residency, and since then, MIL has only seen DD a handful of times.
I have said she is always welcome, have offered to take DD to see her, have tried keeping the lines of communication open, but MIL has only contacted me twice in 15 months, and both times were to ask if I knew where XP was, since he had gone AWOL again. MIL is very abrupt on the phone and has told me it is solely my fault that XP has gone AWOL, after all I have put him through.
I have tried to explain that I didn't lead XP a dogs life, but MIL wont hear it, and excuses XP's every bad behaviour, although she wont have him live at hers, even temporarily, unless he has DD with him, not even when he was homeless.

When she has called, and found out that I have no idea where XP is, as an afterthought, she would say 'Hope DD is fine, must make arrangements to get together' then never ever does.

MIL's mother has offered to bring MIL to my house, but again she was too busy, so MIL's mother came alone.

I have tried to make arrangements, but MIL is always too busy, not got enough time, even to text once in a while, and it feels like now I am not with her DS, she has cut off DD because of her dislike of me.

Now I find MIL, who has no time for DD at all, has been regularly spending the day with the DC of a family friend, and her other GC. (MIL has since had another GC.)

They all have fun together and MIL dotes on these DC, calling the family friend's DC her 'GC'.

My poor DD has been ostracised because of me.

Not only that, but DD is missing out on knowing her Aunt's, Uncle's, cousin, who all live in same house as MIL, and lots of extended family.

I overheard MIL when phone was on speaker telling XP she did not ever want me at her house again.

Last time XP took DD to see her was Boxing Day.

I feel so for DD, and that a family who would shout from the rooftops how wonderful DD was, how much they love her, now haven't seen her for over 5 months.

Is DD really better off without the wonderful GM she seems to be to her younger GC and her family friend's DC?

she sounds like a prize weirdo, as does your ex - sad for your DD i truly understand that but they sound toxic. Offer your DD the choice as she grows up to see them but jesus christ they sound horrific sorry. Good luck

you and your DD are better off out of it, they sound like a bunch of scum not very nice people.

it really is x-mil's loss.
i do feel for you though, i have been through exactly the same with ds' paternal family but i have tried my very best

Thats a shame for your DD, could you even get in touch with other members of your exDP's family, any sisters or brothers? She may become jealous if she seems them having a relationship with your DD and change her attitude.

She does sounds very mean though and if it were me I would really have to bite my tongue for the sake of my DD.

Your DD is much better off without this woman in her life. I am in a similar situation except the woman in question is my own mother.

Sadly, we cannot build relationships with people who aren't interested.

A bad granny is not better than no granny.
It's her loss, not your DD's.

babywalks XP has 2 brother's and 2 sister's who all live with MIL, and they didn't really show an interest when XP and I were together.

I can't contact any of them unless I phone MIL's house and when I have done this, they will only speak to me to say MIL is too busy to come to the phone.

In their defence, they are all still young, eldest being 25, youngest being 16.

wukter I see your point, but how can she be such a good GM to other people's DC and her other GC, and a non existent GM to DD?

Maybe I am overthinking this.

I think you have to let it go, Sparlklefrog. Her reasons are her own, you are not likely to understand them, even leaving aside the dysfunctionality of their family dynamics. It's best for you to detach. The good thing is your DD is so young it's not going to impact on her.

No, no, this is absurd and your in-laws are barking.

The bloody woman kidnapped your DD and wanted to get you deported ffs! You are 1,000% better off without these idiots in you lives, and thank your stars that DD won't be exposed to their insane influence.

Is GMIL okay, then? She sounds marginally saner than the others, but be wary. She might just be more manipulative.

You'll make other friends, and it's better for DD to be surrounded by fewer, healthier adults than crowds of malevolent nutcases.

Thanks everyone.

maryz DD sees alot of my family, and they love her to bits.

I have read all of your replies, and you are all right. DD is better off without them.

Not sure what I expected from XMIL tbh. I think I was chasing something for DD that wasn't there.

It's not even as if MIL is particularly maternal, although she puts on a good show that she is. When I think that MIL actually abandoned all of her DC to run away with a married man, with no notice whatsoever, and left the whole family in turmoil, which still goes on to this day, I realise we are so much better off without their influence.

If a mother puts a married man before her own DC, how could I even think she would prioritise her GC.

MIL's sons have grown up, including XP, thinking they are entitled to be treated and supported in every way possible as kings, and her DD's run around after their partners and put their partners above everyone else, even when they are being treated badly.

I really don't want my DD to grow up being influenced by MIL or her warped values.

Men are equals in my world, not Gods who are to be placed upon a pedestal in an ivory tower, with women serving their every need, above and beyond the needs of her DC, and their families or friends.

Thank you so much for all of your posts.

My mum used to see my cousins more than she saw my brother and I at weekends when I was a child. We stayed with Gps every weekend/ school holiday and would watch her drive past to spend Sundays with them Your dd isn't being ostracised because of you, it's happening because they are selfish and ignorant. You are a great mum, do you have family of your own? Hopefully they are supporting you. Whatever your MIL thinks of you, it's not accurate or true. Concentrate on you and your dd, accept that she probably isn't going to have a constructive relationship with these people and get on with your life.

Even though she is not interested now i would keep a very accurate record of any dates, times, places, conversations you have. She may suddenly decide that the father should have residency or she should. At least then you have documentation to show how uninterested she is and how feckless her son is (disappearing etc)