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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step mother in law funeral

22 replies

am67 · 04/06/2010 20:58

Hi I am a new member and would appreciate your opinions on the following:

my husband has a stressful job which involves a lot of travel and intense working hours. He does not get much free time and does not have much change to relax.

We have a holiday booked to leave next Thursday for 10 days in majorca, DH, myself and our 2r old daughter. DH step mum died suddenly last week and the funeral is whilst we are an holiday. My fil has been married to her for 23 years but my husband were not close and probably didn't even like each other, they tolerated each other when they met, out of the 23 years they have been together my dh has spent less than 48hrs in her company.

My question is am i being unreasonable my not cancelling/postponing our holiday so that we can go to the funeral. My MIL says we are. I am thinking that my husband ahs a lot of stress for 50 weeks of the year and need to relax or he himself will have a heart attack and there will be another funeral to attend. Your comments please

OP posts:

runnybottom · 04/06/2010 21:15

Tough one. I'd say its his decision rather than yours though. He may not have got on with her but how does he get on with his dad, and how hurt would he be if your husband wasn;t there?

Irons · 04/06/2010 21:18

Did they not consider your prebooked holiday when they arranged a date for the funeral? If not, then I'd go on my holiday. They had 2 weeks, why has the funeral taken so long?

Irons · 04/06/2010 21:19

Did they not consider your prebooked holiday when they arranged a date for the funeral? If not, then I'd go on my holiday. They had 2 weeks, why has the funeral taken so long?

Katisha · 04/06/2010 21:20

Can you actually postpone it without losing money?

FiveGoMadInDorset · 04/06/2010 21:22

IMHO YABU in not attending the funeral.

ravenAK · 04/06/2010 21:23

I think I'd let DH decide this one - he might want to support his dad, rather than mourn his step-mum...

Is it at one end of the holiday - could dh fly out later or return early? Or would that just compromise the whole holiday too much?

Crap situation to be in.

Elenio · 04/06/2010 21:27

i think it depends on how close he is to his dad. 48hrs in 23 years is very little time and i would assume from this that they were not close

i am understanding due to a strained relationship with my mothers husband- however i have also tried to keep from hurting my mother and if she wanted me there, i would be.

Katisha · 04/06/2010 21:31

I think if you can postpone it then maybe you should.
I wouldn't use the line about "he'll have a heart attack and then there'll be two funerals" tbh. Just postpone, if you can.

Jux · 04/06/2010 21:36

His call. Unquestionably.

2rebecca · 04/06/2010 21:37

I agree with those who think that if your husband's dad was that bothered about his son attending he'd have arranged the funeral before he went on holiday. 2 weeks is a long time to wait for the funeral. Up to your husband. Not surprised you're pissed off if husband didn't like her much and feels obliged to go though.
If he's happy not to go I'd go on holiday to be honest and take dad somewhere after you come back. He'll have loads of folk fussing over him at the funeral. Help and attention a couple of weeks later may be more appreciated.

Katisha · 04/06/2010 21:38

OP seems to be on identical thread - bit confusing.

Mingg · 04/06/2010 21:50

"Did they not consider your prebooked holiday when they arranged a date for the funeral? If not, then I'd go on my holiday." Of course that should have been their main concern - are you for real Irons???

2rebecca · 04/06/2010 23:11

When my mum died if I had been due to go on holiday 2 weeks after she died I'm fairly sure my dad would have done all he could to have the funeral before my holiday. As it was the funeral was about 5 days after her death. 3-5 days after death (7 at most) is fairly normal round here.
I would have delayed my holiday otherwise, but then I loved my mum. If this had been a stepmum I disliked and who only came into my life as an adult then as long as at least 1 sib was there to support my dad I'd go and just ensure I gave him plenty of attention on my return.
Some people make a bigger deal of funerals than others. Funerals where you have topretend to like someone you disliked are probably best avoided.
48 hours in 23 years isn't much and suggests the bloke didn't like his dad much either as no matter what sort of awful woman my dad might choose to remarry I can't imagine visiting him that little.

BAFE · 04/06/2010 23:22

you can't always pick and choose a date for a funeral. If you want a set church and a set vicar you may be restricted to what days you can have.

Also not a good idea to leave a body for 2 weeks in this heat . I know hospital morgues are refrigerated but not sure about funeral parlours.

I think you should go to the funeral. It's a bummer but you can always go on holiday another time.

RunawayWife · 04/06/2010 23:30

YANBU send flowers and enjoy your holiday

singsinthebath · 04/06/2010 23:52

You'd only be going to do the right thing/put in an appearance. You weren't close.

Why not get DH to talk to FIL - he may be wanting support from his son - depends if he has any other children who can support him on the day. If the worst comes to the worst, maybe you and your DC can go off on the holiday and DH could join you once the funeral is over.

Irons · 05/06/2010 19:39

Mingg - yes, I am serious. I have a colleague who is arranging her father's funeral at the moment and they are taking into consideration the family's commitments and schedules (close family of course). Nothing wrong with that.

Jux · 05/06/2010 19:58

When we arranged my mum's funeral we had to wait 3 weeks for her priest to get back from holiday/retreat to officiate at the service. We could have arranged it earlier - and lots of my relatives were nagging about it - but it was important to have the right guy at the top.

My brother's funeral was hard to arrange because there were so many things and people to take into account. We had to wait about a month for that one.

I must admit, I wouldn't have worried about people's holidays on either occasion, unless it was someone seriously important to either mum or bro.

Without being rude, it doesn't sound like your dh was that important to your stepMIL. Still his call though.

Mingg · 05/06/2010 21:22

Irons - taking family's commitments into consideration is one thing but arranging a funeral to accommodate someone's holiday is taking it too far imo. Looking at the OP's posts it is not like they or the OP's husband is/are the only ones attending. Surely at time like this supporting the FIL/dad should be everyone's main concern rather than their own holiday.

Lindax · 05/06/2010 21:46

I would be very disappointed in missing a holiday, but, if my dh even considered going on a holiday, rather than be there to show his support/respect to a parent who had lost a partner of 23 years he would not be the man I thought he was. i would think it was irrelevent how he got on with his step mother, he should be there for his father.

would you go on holiday if it was your parents? if you lost your husband, how would feel if your parents went off on a pre booked holiday?

(unless there are very extreme circumstances where families are estranged)

MarthaQuest · 05/06/2010 21:46

When my MIL died, the funeral was held 2 weeks after so some-quite distant relations- who were on holiday could attend.

Think your dh's family bit u not taking your holiday into consideration, but agree with other posters that you should go with what your dh wants on this occasion.

YANBU to be annoyed tho.

cory · 05/06/2010 22:52

I think this should be about what kind of a father your dh's dad has been. After all, his stepmother isn't going to notice if your dh is not at her funeral- he is the one who will. So unless he has been an absolutely shit father, he should want to support him- in the same way as he would hope that any children of yours will support him should he ever need it.

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