IABU - how do I now fix it?

[FleeBee]

OK long story, but I've been unreasonable feel pants about it, but don't know where to go to fix the situation.

It involves my Dear Cousin Jen, (DCJ) we're both only children and our dad's are brothers, so she's the closest thing to sister. She lives with her dad, my uncle and I'm married. We're both in our early 30s.

We've been very close, holidays together, weekends away she used to spend every other weekend staying with me and DH, they get on brilliantly. That was until we had our DC and more importantly we moved house just prior to DC2 birth. Now I've seen her twice this year at DC2 christening in Jan and first birthday in May.

The big thing is until 2 years ago DCJ didn't drive - and I did, so I did all the driving, picking her up and taking her home after weekends, trips out. Then DCJ passed her driving test 2 years ago and bought a car which I thought would be fantastic with her getting out independently.

But the big matter is, she won't drive on motorways and to get to my new home from hers it's much quicker to go on a motorway than ordinary roads - but can be done - but possibly a 70 min drive as opposed to 35-40 mins.

At the end of last year we had a row about her coming to visit. She always wanted to see her at her (and my uncle's) home which isn't child friendly. My uncle is very houseproud and I didn't mind when DC were v. little but now they're moving it's more of a strain, I always pack toys to keep them entertained but don't feel I can relax as always on guard. DCJ never cooks, EVER! (my uncle an DCJ eat out a lot) and always wants to go out for pub lunch. But this is getting expensive for me and I've been made redundant so now SAHM.

I've suggested plenty of times she comes to me on a Sunday, spends time with us (she's DC1 godmother and they call her Auntie) and I will make Sunday lunch, not much more effort to stretch to another person. But sadly she's refusing to drive here and as we've lived her now for 12 months I've barely seen her.

If you're still with me, this is the unreasonable bit. My neighbour is a driving instructor so I asked if he'd take a nervous driver on the motorways. He said no problem and would be happy to give motorway lessons, as many or as few as she needed to get her confidence and practice.

So I emailed DCJ to tell her this and we've ended up in a big row, where she flatly refuses to try a motorway lesson, she's angry with me and I feel resentful that she won't even try.

It's ridiculous but now I need help to sort this out. Obviously I was wrong to speak to driving instructor, but was interested in his opinion, but I just feel that if she could try driving here on normal roads or attempt a lesson.

As time is now passing, it's getting longer since we saw each other, and we no longer chat I feel sad. My DC1 talks about auntie Jen, but I fear DC2 won't be close to her.

I have to apologise (but feel that she could try too). I realise that perhaps we're growing apart due to DC but it makes me sad as we've been family all our lives!

Any help?

I agree with thumbwitch in that case - if she won't try driving with your DH (lovely DH by the way) or consider alternative ways of getting to you then there really isn't much you can do. She sounds quite a nervous person in general to be honest and you'll just get frustrated offering solutions that she won't or can't listen to. Hopefully as you say its a hiccup, I would just keep loosely in touch for the time being maybe,
Hope it works out

what Lulumaam said as well re the anxiety - it might be that she feels awful about it. It can be hard being worried about something that the rest of the world seems to take for granted (I for one am relieved to see other nervous drivers on here) but the train issue makes me wonder if its more than that.

Sounds to me like you and others have been rippping new areseholes for her for years; and she has been taking the piss for years.

A guy that worked here was similar. He rented a room in a house with an old dear for 30 years and never lifted a lazy finger domestically, she snuffed it and he was fucked, didn't know how to cook, wash, drive - anything.

I don't know how people have the patience to dance around people like that.

Perhaps I'm coming across all wrong here and my frustration is coming out. I love my cousin to pieces and reading what I have written is making me feel that I'm judging her for the wrong reasons. She probably is a lot more cautious, she's lived with her dad after her parents divorce, her mother subsquently died, so had more upheaval in her life then I've ever had. The village where she lives and works has house prices so high she couldn't afford a buy a shed on wages from her job, hence she's still renting a room in her dad's house.

I've had different opportunities, went away for university, got married had children and so I suppose we at different stages of our lives. I fear that our relationship became different when I was PG with DC1 she wanted to come to the birth, but I declined as only wanted DH there. When I unexpectedly became PG with DC2 she again asked to be there at the birth, and I again didn't feel comfortable and only wanted DH there. I guess that did put a wedge in our friendship, and it was compounded with moving house the month before DC2 was born so I then saw even less of her.

I was really suprised about the train, as it's a regular direct service and even terminates at Victoria so not as if she'd end up missing her stop, but at the time I just thought she was being a PITA to me and to her dad. But as her dad agreed to drive her, he must understand how she feels.

Reading about how anxious others are on the motorway is making me think that I've been too hard on her and too absorbed in what I think she should do. I love her like she's my little sister and I do miss her lots. Perhaps I need to be more understanding and stop pushing her in something she feels she can't do.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, it sound like she is very childish and needs to grow up

She was U to make you feel bad about not wanting her there at the birth of your DCs. However close you are, that really is a special time for you and your DH. OK to ask, but definitely wrong for her to make you feel bad about saying no? Did she want to join you in your honeymoon suite too?

OP - Ok, you love her - fair enough. But I honestly think you are over thinking this all. Who knows what the reasons / fears/ phobias/ history lie behind her reticence to make the journey to see you.

She may be anxiety ridden and find things like this overwhelming. Or she may just be a totally lazy person. Irrespective of whichever option it is, it is your decision alone as to whether you see her on her terms or not.

From your last post - she just seems high maintenance to me. You have every right to decide who is your birth partner. For her to have asked twice is just plain weird.

Your not being unreasonable. Don't think the motorway is the issue. As you said, she can make the journey without going on the motorway! Think there are just some people who like you to go to them. Now that I have a dc i'm just not willing to accept that. If people are not willing to make an effort with me then i'm afraid I am not willing to make the effort with them. I'd try once more with your cousin. Suggest meeting up without the kids. It'll prob do you both good to catch up without any interruptions. You did a kind thing suggesting she take extra lessons. Maybe you just hit a raw nerve with her.

The motorway is a bit of a red herring I think. Yes it would clearly be quicker to use them but a 70min journey to see close family hardly feels like that excessive to me.

By all means apologise for arranging the drving lesson but do make clear that you've been hurt by her not wanting to visit you in your new house.

I don't know who is being unreasonable - sounds more like a communication issue to me.

But I'm really interested in those of you who are nervous about/refuse to drive on motorways.

On a motorway, with everyone going the same direction you are LESS likely to have an accident than on two way roads. I don't have stats but I was always led to believe that motorways are the safest roads because of this. Could be wrong.

Nervous, unconfident drivers are THE most dangerous drivers on the road because they are unpredictable. I do a lot of driving on all types of road and have learnt to drive very defensively. But it is those drivers who are not clear about what they are doing or going to do that cause the most near-misses.

The boy racer who drives too fast and close can be avoided, by keeping left and allowing them to overtake. It is the (usually female) driver who sits in the middle lane (illegally) who causes the frustration that leads to others making stupid decisions.

My mother and sister are both nervous drivers and it royally pisses me off when they play the wimp card.

I think you shouldve respected her feelings about the driving instead of pushing it. Its bad enough if you are a nervous driver without someone stating that its easy, simple, or you cant understand it ect. Her feelings about it are valid, if she doesnt want to drive she doesnt have to , its not your place to try to get her to change her mind.

I think you have already beaten yourself up enough over this - let it go. If she wants to make it up with you, the ball is in her court - you were only trying to help after all.

You could email her to break the ice if you want to - no mention of visits or driving or anything - say that your older DC is asking about her and wonder when you're going to see her again - see what sort of response you get.

YANBU. To be honest, I think it would be good for her to have to come to you. She's in her thirties for God's sake. How is she going to cope when her dad dies?

I'd issue repeated invitations to family parties or to meet up for picnics or shopping half way and leave her to work it out for herself. Isn't it time she made some effort tooh.