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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to drop in to my cousin's wedding with a card, even though I wasn't invited?

22 replies

mrsbean78 · 04/06/2010 11:26

I am expecting this will be a 'yes' - so it's really 'is my mother being unreasonable saying I should drop in to my cousin's wedding with a card even though I wasn't invited'.

Backstory: 8 children in my father's family, violent and abusive grandfather (now deceased). My father moved my grandmother out of the family home when I was born as she was worried my grandfather would kill her. This created rift in my father's family. My father became chronic alcoholic (still drinking after 17 rehabs). He and my mother are divorced now.

I have never had much contact with the cousins on that side apart from the cousin getting married today. His parents were at my graduation and wedding. My father and my sister have been invited to today's wedding (my uncle is my sister's godfather).

Anyway, I have no contact with this side of the family but they will all be there today.. I live in the UK but this is in Ireland and I am only home for the weekend with my six month ds.

I would love to introduce my ds to the family I don't really know as in the last few months we have started to connect on fb and one of my other cousins has just had a baby boy too..

BUT

I feel it would be a bit 'wicked fairy' to show up at the church (even though it would be after the ceremony, for the bit outside where people mingle). I think it might make it look as though I am sour I wasn't invited (I'm not, given the circumstances). However, I've been in the UK a long time and wonder if I'm feeling this way as it would be a UK no no but maybe okay in Ireland where people do nosey sit in on church weddings!

My mother really wants me to do it. I think it's a bit much tbh.. but would love to know what the MN jury think!

So far, so good

OP posts:

MadameDefarge · 04/06/2010 11:30

I think your instincts are right, its not appropriate, there is plenty of time for building bridges....why rush it?

Your mother sounds a bit of loon on this one, tbh...does she want to create drama and friction?

Steer well clear, and rebuild your own relationships with your family on your own terms.

TheArmadillo · 04/06/2010 11:33

I agree with MadameDefarge - not the right place/time to do it.

EldritchCleavage · 04/06/2010 11:35

Why not get your sister to take a card from you with him to the wedding? You've then shown interest and been friendly without intruding.

thefinerthingsinlife · 04/06/2010 11:36

Another one who agrees with MadameDefarge - I say continue to slowly build your relationship, dont rush it

edam · 04/06/2010 11:37

Sounds like a good plan from Eldritch.

AMumInScotland · 04/06/2010 11:40

I don't think a wedding is a good time to just "pop in" and reopen a difficult situation. There's just too much risk of it souring things - it would only take one of the guests to decide you were being offensive and make a huge big deal out of it to put back your renewed relationship and cause a lot of damage.

Send a card (or even a gift) via your father and sister to show you are thinking of them, but keep out of it. And congratulate them via fb etc if that's how you mostly communicate.

sorebore · 04/06/2010 11:40

its true in ireland many more people come to the church than are invited to the wedding - often parents of friends of the brides, just to wish the bride good luck or have a bit of a nosy...but this might be changing slightly so maybe your mum isn't really misguided but you're best to judge whether its appropriate given your particular circumstances

MadameDefarge · 04/06/2010 11:41

yes, I like Eldritch's plan too.

Sazisi · 04/06/2010 11:42

I think it would be weird to turn up at the church.
Maybe you could enquire through your dad if it would be okay to join the party in the evening?

Original poster

mrsbean78 · 04/06/2010 11:47

Funnily enough Sazisi, I reckon that it would be considered more rude here in Ireland to show up in the evening without an invite than at the church!

But yes, I like the idea of the card. I would have given a card anyway..

And here in Ireland if you give a card you have to line it with many euros - 200 if you go, 100-150 if you were invited but don't go, 50 as a well wisher. So I'm guessing 50 from me???

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 04/06/2010 11:52

I think that's right - you're counting yourself in as a well wisher by doing that.

Redazzy · 04/06/2010 12:08

Yes it is common for people who are not part of the wedding party to attend the church ceremony. Some older people like a good extended mass! For instance at my wedding, there were about 5 elderly ladies from the village who were there.

But as far as I am aware, it would be very odd to have relations or friends turn up like that. You would also be open to the accusation of stealing the bride's thunder especially if you were bringing your baby with you.

I agree with everyone else. Even though your intentions are entirely good, this is not the right occasion to pop-in! Even in Ireland.

Original poster

mrsbean78 · 04/06/2010 12:12

Redazzy, do you think 50 looks stingy, like I'm making a point that I wasn't invited? Or would giving more look like I was making a point that I wasn't invited? How is anyone supposed to work this etiquette out!

OP posts:

MadameDefarge · 04/06/2010 12:14

You could do the £50, which goes along with the normal etiquette, and then maybe buy them a very small, but thoughtful gift to be given to them later. Not before, otherwise that might guilt trip them.

Redazzy · 04/06/2010 12:20

Mrs Bean, definitely not stingy. I would think that was very generous and not remotely making a point about not being invited.

But in fairness, there is no accounting for how people read things and while I would be delighted at your generous gesture, maybe if there is 'history', it would be viewed differently.

I honestly think you should give your card and the 50 euro (if you want to) in the spirit of wishing them well on their wedding day. There is nothing you can do if they choose to view that gesture negatively. However, it would reflect very badly on them as people if they did. You are not in the wrong.

AMumInScotland · 04/06/2010 12:30

I don't know Irish etiquette, but I'd go with Redazzy on the logic - no-one should really be able to misinterpret you putting yourself in the "wellwishers" category. If you go up to 100-150 someone could take it as a comment about the lack of an invitation, as if you "ought" to be in that category.

Original poster

mrsbean78 · 04/06/2010 12:41

Thanks, that's settled then. You're right Redazzy but you know how these things can be, drives me mental..

50 yoyos and a simple card with nothing that anyone can read anything into!

OP posts:

Redazzy · 04/06/2010 13:06

Hope you are enjoying your weekend Mrs Bean. Will be back in the Emerald Isle myself in a couple of weeks.

chipmonkey · 04/06/2010 14:02

Mrsbean, I am Irish and I think the plan for 50 Euro in the card through your sis sounds like the best idea too. I think the whole village turning up to the church has pretty much dried up and could be misinterpreted.

stleger · 04/06/2010 14:16

I tried to make my dh stand and watch a wedding with a pink limo last week. Cork is still big into weddings and funerals as a meeting place.

Original poster

mrsbean78 · 04/06/2010 14:20

I am in Cork stleger!

OP posts:

stleger · 04/06/2010 14:26

How lovely! Weather is good today and tomorrow, I will be saying 'Isn't it a nice day for a wedding' in the morning.

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