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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL to look after baby

23 replies

tillymint27 · 02/06/2010 22:07

Hello

I am soon to go back to work after and my MiL wants to mind the baby one day a week. In fact dh has sort if agreed this with her. I dont blame him he was under pressure and we have let her look after baby when we have gone out before.

But I just don't think she is up to it and I feel absolutely awful coz I know she will be devastated. (Obviously I would not say that to her but I know she would work it out).

She is 75.

She lives 40 mins away so would have to leave her house at 6.20 am to get here in time in the morning. which is fine in the summer but no picnic in winter.

She has health issues and has difficulty climbing the stairs and certainly would not be able to manage the stairs carrying a toddler.

Also she is a carer for FiL wjo has alzemias so she would have to bring her with him. And I know this sounds really really awful - but his hygiene is not the best and the house absolutely stinks after he has been here. It is really bad - know that is really mean of me to say and I would not say to dh - but tour setee is fabric and I have to wash it down when he has been.

I feel so stressed about all this I just dont want to hurt her feeling.

OP posts:
belgo · 02/06/2010 22:08

Tell her it is not practical because she lives too far away.

And promise to visit her loads at the weekends.

piscesmoon · 02/06/2010 22:10

Promise to visit her lots but tell her that you have got the childcare sorted.

rookiemater · 02/06/2010 22:11

Dress it up as nicely as you can, but agree YANBU. When you are back at work you need reliable childcare and with her existing commitment to your FIL and age this is too much for her.

faerie07 · 02/06/2010 22:13

What will your other childcare be? If it is a nursery or childminder, couldn't you just tell a little fib and say that to guarantee a place you needed to increase the number of days your DC spent there? That would give you a good out, without offending her.

And trust me, the first time your DC is ill and can't go to nursery/childnminder you will be glad of someone still willing to look after your DC!!!!!

mumbar · 02/06/2010 22:13

I agree YANBU and as FIL declines you are at risk of her letting you down - understandably - and you will be childcareless (if thats a word)

geraldinetheluckygoat · 02/06/2010 22:14

tell a white lie and say that the nursery has a special deal if you use X ammount of days childcare (the ammount of days youll need), "so isnt this brilliant you wont have all the bother of doing childcare, you can just have her for fun visits instead!!). good luck... I dont think you sound mean at all in the post by the way, quite the opposite!

CMOTdibbler · 02/06/2010 22:15

I'd go for a tactic of you don't want to over burden her, especially with being a carer already, so you will have a place booked for the baby with nursery/childminder x days a week, but then you'd love for her to be able to have her grandchild, and what would be fabulous would be if you could come over and drop baby off for a few hours so you can have your hair cut/go to dentist once a month (or whatever you think will work), and see how that goes

madly · 02/06/2010 22:17

This will not work at all. Your MIL, however kind will simply not be able to cope with FIL and your precious FB.

You need to find a way to get your DH to understand that it is simply too much for your MIL.

A newborn is difficult enough for anyone to cope with, but expecting a 75yr old woman with her DH with Alzheimers is just not on.

Just try to explain gently that you have found some other arrangement.

I somehow think she will be relieved

parakeet · 02/06/2010 22:17

All those points sound reasonable to me, except for going up the stairs. My mum had the same issue, and we just worked around the need for her to go upstairs. (She ended up getting my baby to sleep on her lap on the sofa.)

I would really steer clear of mentioning the hygiene issues around your FIL, as your MIL and husband might find this very hurtful.

I think the most compelling point you make is that her commitments to FIL make this impractical. Discuss with your husband first, then find some alternative childcare and tell her you have the childcare sorted. And, as previous posters have pointed out, agree lots of visiting - perhaps schedule in something regular (eg they both come over on a certain day of the week) so she knows she's not going to get shut out.

Original poster
tillymint27 · 02/06/2010 22:18

Dh has already tried the you live to far away, have to much on with dad cards but she just brushes it away saying it is only one day a week - it will be a pleasure etc. and she gets up early anyway etc.

We do visit at weekends but she wants baby alone - as grandparents do!

Plus I really do not want to stay too long at weekends as the smell of theor house is horrible.

OP posts:
PurpleCrazyHorse · 02/06/2010 23:09

We had a similar thing with my MIL. She's great, spritely and very capable of looking after DD. However, I didn't want to face the inevitable conflicts of parenting style, plus they go away most weekends and would always have to be back to look after DD on a Monday. Currently they're away until Tuesday. I didn't want the arrangement to breakdown and leave us with no care for DD if our childminder for the other days couldn't have her.

Although MIL offered us one day a week, I declined by just saying we had found a lovely a childminder. Adding that it would be much better for us if she (MIL) could do days our childminder was away (like 5 weeks holiday and another 5 random days throughout the year). This is actually much better for us as we don't have to find alternative care for DD (or take leave) and it takes the pressure of MIL committing to one day a week pretty much all year.

Maybe you could offer something similar (especially if you use a childminder as you will need to find holiday cover). For us, it's a perfect solution.

sungirltan · 02/06/2010 23:15

yanbu. not sure what the answer is though. is their a compromise? would you let mil look after dd alone at all? even for a couple of hours?

liliputlady · 02/06/2010 23:15

It sounds like it would be far too much for her and the welfare of your little one is priority. She can be involved with baby in so many other ways.

clu · 02/06/2010 23:18

Let her know how thankful you are for the offer but you would prefer to keep her for emergencies like when your baby is sick , or childminder goes on hol etc. Also for weekends when needed. If she took your baby 1 day a week you wouldn't feel able to ask these other times of her. You will have to be quite forceful otherwise it will turn into a hoo-ha, as if you leave it to your DH, you will have them on your doorstep at 6.30 am one morning.

lechatnoir · 02/06/2010 23:25

TBH I would book the childminder for the days you are working regardless but then tell your MIL she is welcome to collect your LO at lunchtime (or whatever you agree) on certain day(s) and have some one-to-one time. OK so you're paying for childcare you aren't using much BUT it stops your MIL having to leave home at silly o clock means the inevitable days she can't do because she's away, looking after FIL or whatever, you have childcare already sorted.
You will need to discuss the arrangements with your CM - but as long as she knows in advance what's happening & it doesn't inconvenience any plans she is unlikely to protest at being paid to mind a full day & only having to do half/some.

I did this with my DS1 & his childminder & it worked really well for all concerned.
LCN

sunnydelight · 02/06/2010 23:27

I don't think it's suitable childcare for lots of reasons, so no YANBU, but maybe this is a bit of a lifeline for your MIL. Being a full time carer is a hard, thankless task. Your MIL could be really looking forward to this as a way to get out of the house for a day and break her routine (even if she does have to bring her DH with her), and the idea of looking after a beautiful little baby rather than a difficult adult is probably very appealing. I don't really know what you can do because of course the safety and wellbeing of your baby must be paramount, but please try to be gentle with her and acknowledge the fact that if you say no it could be a huge disappointment to her.

LexieKJ · 01/08/2010 15:49

YANBU. You have genuine concerns for all involved here. You have a young baby who, very clearly, is going to be too much for an elderly lady (however lovely she might be) who also acts as a carer for another elderly person. On top of that you have the distance issue and the very significant problem of FIL's hygiene. All in all, your MIL can quite obviously not provide adequate childcare. Her offer was very sweet, but simply not practical. She sounds like a nice lady who just doesn't realise how unrealistic her goodhearted offer is on an everyday basis.

I'm with others on this one. You are going to have to be honest with hubby, but as far as MIL is concerned, a white lie would be best. You're not cutting her and FIL out of the picture entirely, I think a decent compromise would be to allow her time alone with the baby when they visit. Maybe you and hubby could go out for lunch together or a couple of hours shopping. I realise this isn't going to really help with FIL's hygiene in your house, but I gather this is pretty much the situation you are facing anyway, so it wouldn't be much of a change.

Once you have let her down, however you choose to do it, you are going to have to make a massive effort to involve her to show that you're not taking your baby out of her life, but it doesn't sound at all like you want to exclude her anyway. I totally understand where you're coming from on this, ultimately you need to make the right choice for your baby. Good luck .

Haliborange · 01/08/2010 16:02

I can well understand her wanting time with the baby, but this is childcare so you can work not a little bit of babysitting.
Tbh I would want someone looking after my children who was only looking after them and not also looking after their DH, I'd also want them to be in good health. I'd worry about reliability otherwise. Also, if you are finding it hard to come clean with her about this, how would you handle it if she was doing something with the baby that you really didn't want but she thought was fine? Granny is great, but someone you can give directions to who isn't going to take it personally can be better!

So, promise her a regular babysitting slot (every 2 weekends or so) so that you and your DH can go to the cinema or something, and tell her you've decided to use the nursery for the weekday stuff.

MumNWLondon · 01/08/2010 17:06

How many days a week are you going back?

Could a compromise be that she looks after the baby half a day a week every 2nd week so you can get some "me time" - for my MIL this works well - neither of us feel bad if she cancels, its easier than a full day etc etc - I said I could never afford childcare for the extra time and made out she was going me huge favour etc.

Otherwise I agree that you say she can pick up your LO one day a week / etc.

BouncingTurtle · 01/08/2010 17:20

I was going to suggest what MUMNWLondon said.

You are definitely not being unreasonable, but as a compromise you could ask her took after the baby while you go off and do some shopping or have your hair done, or something like that?

ChippingIn · 01/08/2010 18:26

LexieKJ

Gave you the benefit of the doubt on the other old thread but are you a regular playing that stupid game of how many old threads can I get going again before someone notices??

If you are indeed a newbie, can you just try using the 'active convos' list for a few days till you get the hang of it!!

LexieKJ · 01/08/2010 18:39

No ChippingIn, I'm not doing anything stupid or intentional. Thank you for your concern, but I'm really very okay without it! Good day to you .

ChippingIn · 01/08/2010 18:49

Right, you just go around annoying people, dragging up old threads then...

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