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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not provide DS2 with nappies for his holiday?

21 replies

smokinaces · 02/06/2010 18:42

DSs are going on holiday with their Dad next week, Mon-Fri.

Currently he has them every Sunday 10-6pm and 2-3 overnights a week. Has always been the agreement I provide clothes/hats/shoes etc but he provides his own nappies/wipes.

I have pulled together everything for this holiday, making sure they have suitable sandals,swimwear, tshirts etc and am providing everything with the boys on Monday morning when they go.

However, my mum asked me today if the pack of nappies I had bought were for the holiday. I said no - I had no intention of providing the nappies. But should I be? My argument is if he is silly enough to forget to take any, he can go in any shop and get a pack for the week for £5, so why should I organise them?

I dont know whether I am just being petty, as Ex currently owes me £600 in maintenance money and still isnt paying me regularly so am reluctant to organise everything, or whether I should provide the nappies for DS for the sake of £5.

OP posts:
5inthebed · 02/06/2010 18:44

I wouldn't send any. If that is your arrangement already, the your ExP should provide them for the whole of the holiday.

MamaVoo · 02/06/2010 18:45

I agree.

LetThereBeRock · 02/06/2010 18:47

YANBU.It's not unreasonable to expect a father to provide for his children. He should be doing much more than providing nappies but as he doesn't I'd want him to pay for as much as possible, no matter how petty it seems.

homebirthmummy4 · 02/06/2010 18:47

if the usual arrangement is that he supplies the nappies etc, then i would expect him to stick with that, maybe just provide enough to get through one day just in case he has forgotten but it really is his responsibility imo.

DorotheaPlenticlew · 02/06/2010 18:48

Seems fair to assume that he should provide them as usual.

But (slightly random point here) if they are going to need swim nappies, and if there is any chance that he will struggle to find these (leading to disappointment for DS) then I'd probably remind him just to be sure... only thinking of our holiday last year with DS where we only remembered to get swim nappies at the last minute and if we'd forgotten it would have sucked, a lot.

Original poster
smokinaces · 02/06/2010 18:51

Thanks everyone, glad its not just me that thinks he should be able to provide them.

and Dorothea, I am sending swim nappies only because they are already in the bag with all the swimming stuff (have a whole pack as we rarely go swimming, and kind of see them like DS1 swim shorts IYSWIM?)

OP posts:
Chandra · 02/06/2010 18:51

Of course not, would you also send the food?, no. Basics are his responsibility. Actually, I would go as far as saying that he also has to provide clothes/hats for the days the children are with him. However... I would rather send things that DS may need as an extra during a holiday, as I know his dad may not consider it important.

Having said that, at the end of last summer I put all DS summer clothes in a bag for a beach trip with his dad, when I asked them back for a beach trip back in December, his father refused to return them. So hence why I may be telling you not to provide more than you should, it is not appreciated.

Original poster
smokinaces · 02/06/2010 18:55

Chandra, the overprotective mum is me is finding it hard to not send the food!! This is the first time they will ever have been away from me for longer than 1 night so am rather nervous about it all!

I dont mind providing the hats and clothes, as he normally only has them 1 night and they live full time here - they also have their favourite bits they want to pack themselves to take too (they have their own little cases, and are 4 & 2)

I am still debating about suncream though. And medicines. He has a little, but not much. But I need to let go a little bit and hope he's sensible enough to notice they need sun protection regularly (the overprotective mum in me got them UV sunsuits so he only has to do arms and faces)

OP posts:
abbierhodes · 02/06/2010 19:07

I'd be kicking up a fuss that he owes you £600 and yet seems to be able to afford a holiday.

Chandra · 02/06/2010 19:10

Oh yes, send the sunscreen (and the calpol), for some reason I don't understand men are never bothered about that. And they don't realise the children are starting to look like prawns.

bleedingheart · 02/06/2010 19:15

I agree with abbierhodes! That would rankle with me too!

I don't think YABU but I would put sunscreen in for them, just in case as it's a lot more important that he remembers this.

StrictlyTory · 02/06/2010 19:17

I'd pack a few, only because I wouldn't want DS sitting in a dirty nappy if he ran out and they couldn't find new ones straight away.

At the end of the day the child will suffer from the dirty nappy so I'd forget about how much he has annoyed you/owes you and think about the potential nappy rash You don't need to send a whole pack but I really would pack a few.

maristella · 02/06/2010 19:27

maybe enough nappies to get to their destination with a couple of spares for just-in-case?

Original poster
smokinaces · 02/06/2010 19:42

Believe me, I am kicking up a fuss about the money - apparently i will be paid back in full with an apparent tax rebate in a few weeks time. I am bloody counting on it as I am still in debt from when he left as it is and my car is due to cost me a fortune to fix. The holiday is one of the £12.50 Sun jobbies, a 4 night in a chalet only 1hour from home with entertainment as far as I know included (such as swimming and parks etc) and they're going with their Grandad too, so hopefully someone will remmeber to feed them.

I think I might pack a little rucksack for the journey - water, fruit etc and put a few wipes and 2-3 nappies in there. He only really does 1 dirty nappy first thing in the morning and then 2 more changes a day, so this will be plenty for a journey. I dont want DS2 to suffer, like you guys have said, but I dont want to have to hand hold my ex still 12 months down the line.

OP posts:
DorotheaPlenticlew · 02/06/2010 20:01

You're a brave woman! I hope the DSs have a brilliant time.

Good idea with the UV suits, it will ease your mind when they're away.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 02/06/2010 20:10

It will be your ds who suffers if you don't send any and your ex doesn't pack/buy any.
Out of interest does your son come back with nappy rash?

Original poster
smokinaces · 02/06/2010 20:24

No Fab, never back with nappy rash that I remember?

I will send a couple for the journey and expect him to provide/buy the rest - theres no way he wouldnt buy any there if he hadnt remembered to pack any, he's not that bad just think he might be a bit pissed off with me maybe.

OP posts:
gobsmackedetal · 03/06/2010 05:04

I'd say let them be and enjoy your free time -though it might feel lonely at times...

It sounds like your XH (and I might have gotten this completely wrong) is tuned into the children's needs, he sees them regularly and looks after them both during days and during nights, right? I assume he has changed enough nappies to remember that he needs to pack some.

Now, if you're in good terms maybe you should give him a gentle reminder (kinda "this is here, this is there, you got the nappies so all is done"), otherwise just let him father them. It's part of parenthood to realise you're out of nappies at the worst possible moment and to run around like a loon trying to find some, paying through your nose for them -talking from bitter experience here.

I wouldn't get too wound up about money, give him the benefit of the doubt. At the end of the day he's not going to Maldives on his own, he's taking the children, right? And for 12.50 good on him.

Just a thought, do you think that providing food might piss him off? Or is this a usual arrangement? I'm only saying that because it would annoy me no end, kind of being told I'm unable to feed the children. Make sure he exects the food and hasn't made his own provisions already, that would be such a shameful waste of food.

Well done on you for this holiday and for the general contact arrangements, you sound like you have your head screwed on and respect your XH in his role as the chilren's father despite your differences (financial and otherwise). You don't see that often, keep up the good work, it's hard. Hugs to you xxx

gobsmackedetal · 03/06/2010 05:05

Oh, sorry , are hugs and kisses Anti-MN? I just really felt for the OP, I hope I'm not getting exiled

gingernutlover · 03/06/2010 06:06

sounds like you have an arrangement which works and as you say if he forgets the nappies (or if they need anything else while they are away) he can just pop to the nearest shop to get it.

Did your mum suggest that you should be sending them? Or just query what the nappies were for btw?

I think you are worrying about nothing tbh.

Original poster
smokinaces · 03/06/2010 08:13

gobsmacked - I'm not providing food other than a few snacks for journey. the overprotective mum in me wants to for the whole week but have reigned her in He's not a bad dad, rings them daily and sees them regularly (though sadly he does sometimes forget they should come first and change his plans last minute, but 95% of the time is great) I'm just struggling to let go!

and thankyou - we have worked really hard to still be friends and make sure the kids never see or hear us argue or say a bad word against each other. We also every 4-6 weeks do a joint thing like swimming or dinner with the kids so they get to spend time with both of us at the same time. We both come from divorced families, and want to make this work for the kids.

gingernut - I'm not sure whether mum was suggesting or querying to be honest. I do have a habit of worrying unneccesarily though - but the tablets are helping with that

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