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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have flipped my lid when DH said why he had invited 'certain' people for my so-called b/day party?

27 replies

genieinabottle · 02/06/2010 13:36

I'm absolutely livid!!!
A while back, I told DH that for my birthday we would invite 'real' friends for a bbq this time. That i didn't want any of his family round other than his brother, as i was totally fed up with being ignored by them.

Let me elaborate:
Our young kids (4 and 2) didn't get a look in at Easter, not a card, not an invite round anyone for a cuppa, not even an easter egg from MIL, SIL, or older niece who is godmother to my DD.
SIL and niece, couldn't even be bothered to turn up for my DD's b/day party, no card or presie sent.
For DD's christening, MIL, and SIL's DH who was the godfather didn't even buy her a presie, or even a fiver in a card would have been something. (they are not that hard-up that they couldn't afford anything at all btw).
Also same thing every time, no phone calls, no poping in to see how kids are even when they are doing the boot sale which is just round the corner from us.
We have lived in this house for nearly 6 years and FIL has ever only came round once. SIL and MIL make plans and leave us out all the time, Mother's day, Easter,... we are never invited, unless we are the ones inviting, and even though they don't even bother showing up of lately.

I'm so so fed up of my kids being ignored by them. So i warned DH, no family except his brother who is the only one who seems to care.

DH has gone behind my back to do a surprise b/day party for me and has invited ALL his family. [glare]
He came clean as i saw a comment he had left his step-brother on FB, saying 'oh go on come round even the old man will be there'... so his step-brother needs coaxing to come round how typical really!

When i said to DH 'so FIL is coming round then?' (i was surpised because as i said he ever came over here once); DH replied that FIL is coming as it was supposed to be his b/day party last weekend, but DH managed to get MIL and FIL to cancel it and come here to ours instead for a joint b/day party with me, so EVERYONE can come round then.
I went mad at DH!!!
Then DH tried to make me feel bad about it by saying he had been contacting old chums of mine that i haven't seen for years for a surprise, but that obviously it wasn't good enough.
What isn't good enough is the fact that he invited a lot of people here that i don't wish to see because of a joint-b/day party with FIL.

I told DH i would contact everone and say the party is cancelled!
Am i over-reacting ???

OP posts:
Mingg · 02/06/2010 13:38

Oh how terrible - I'd be livid too & cancelling the party

diddl · 02/06/2010 13:43

Cancel your friends, and go out for the day with your children-leaving your husband to celebrate with his family!

Pancakeflipper · 02/06/2010 13:44

don't go - go to a Spa with your girlie mates.

diddl · 02/06/2010 13:44

Or meet your friends somewhere

homebirthmummy4 · 02/06/2010 13:45

poor you!
i would make alternative arrangements. like a trip to a spa, or take the kids to the zoo. or barbecue my dh! and his family

sanielle · 02/06/2010 13:45

I would cancel. YANBU

AMumInScotland · 02/06/2010 13:47

YANBU - he totally ignored your wishes and planned something which he could easily have predicted you would not want. That's not fair or kind of him as a "nice surprise" for your birthday.

Make him phone and cancel it.

Why on earth would he think you would enjoy a joint party with someone you don't get on with, and who doesn't show any interest in you?

Original poster
genieinabottle · 02/06/2010 13:48

Thank you.

I might just do that , cancel and go somewhere lovely with my kids.

I think his family are like this because we are the only ones who live nearby with young children.
DH is the yougest of 4, and all nieces and nephews are teens or older.
Also my 4y old ds has asd, and can be a bit of a handfull at times, so we are left out.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/06/2010 13:49

YANBU. It's your party and he should have done what you wanted. It's not about him and his relationship with his relatives.

TBH, I'd bail. If he wants to throw a party for his relatives, leave him to it.

slushy06 · 02/06/2010 13:52

I think it was sneaky he did the surprise thing so when you got annoyed he could say you are ungrateful after all the effort I would cancel your friends take your dc and go out for the day. If FIL can not turn up to your events you can definitely do the same.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 02/06/2010 14:00

And all the stuff about the old friends of yours he has contacted is emotional blackmail to make you give in and have the party - and to make you feel bad for making a fuss.

FWIW I'd tell all his family that the party is cancelled, but go ahead with the party for your friends and your old friends that he's invited - make it the party you always wanted it to be.

I hope you have a lovely day - and show him this thread so maybe he'll realise exactly how insensitive and unreasonable he has been!

GeekOfTheWeek · 02/06/2010 14:05

YANBU

How rude.

Personally I would be booking a weekend away with friends. Let dh sort his family out.

Quodlibet · 02/06/2010 14:09

Going against the grain of popular opinion here...

I do not at all think YABU - I can well understand why you're livid to have your birthday highjacked.

But could it be that your DH is trying to make an effort to knit his family and yours together better (albeit in a really misguided way!)?

I can well understand your hurt at feeling ignored. But if deep down what you would really like is stronger bonds between your children and your relatives, then cancelling your party would be throwing a spanner in the works, because (even if you're pessimistic about it) your party might be an opportunity to make this happen? Maybe this is your DH's thinking? Could you allow it to go ahead, grin and bear having your birthday taken over for the greater good of having an opportunity for your family to spend time together? I wonder if this might be the better option than cancelling, which might possibly damage relations further? (I can understand that this might be hard seeing as you seem to be putting yourself out more than them anyway)

I would imagine MIL and SIL are being thoughtless rather than deliberately leaving you out (no less annoying I know). Could you use your party as an opportunity to make a point about 'wanting them to be a bigger part of your children's lives' maybe? Have you told them you wish you saw more of them and that they were more involved? Obviously this might not be appropriate in your situation, but some people do manage to be very self-absorbed unless they're told something in very plain language!

Maybe you could also do something less stressful with your close friends (make DH organise the spa trip as way of an apology!) I hope it all works out.

Thediaryofanobody · 02/06/2010 14:11

YANBU It's really not a party for your birthday by the sounds of it, seems like your DH decided to have a party but needed an excuse so used you for it. Otherwise he would have arranged a party you would like instead of hate.
I'd be tempted to be out for the day.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 02/06/2010 14:15

I'm with Quodlibet : he was BU to do this, but to undo it will cause a permanent rift and if you do want them to be closer to you it would stop it happening. So only cancel if you have already given up on them.

SpeedyGonzalez · 02/06/2010 14:19

Wow. How insensitive of your DH. I would be livid if I were you - in a way there's sort of a parallel between the fact that his family disregards you and your children and the fact that your DH has disregarded your wishes.

YANBU. I'm not going to offer you advice, there's plenty of it here already.

Poor you.

Original poster
genieinabottle · 02/06/2010 14:32

Thanks for all the replies.

Quodlibet, i can see your perspective, and i could indeed leave it once again to try to see if things will improve with DH's relatives.
Btbh, i'm so tired of this malarly now. DH and i have been married for 18 years, we have an older ds1 who is 17.
Ten years ago things weren't that great already, nieces and nephews were getting preferencial treatment over DS1 from MIL and BIL back then already, but their ignorance has got worse since we had the two little ones.

I can't understand it, MIL has no other young grandchildren apart from ours living close by (there are some in the extended family but not near us). And she seems like she just doesn't care.
Like i said she doesn't visit just off her own back even though plenty of times i have said she is more than welcome to pop over.
She makes the effort to come over once in a while when we ask her to babysit DD when we have to take DS to an appointment concerning his SN. And that is it.
It has been 3 months in a row before without the kids seing Mil and she lives 15 mins away.
Unless we go to them for a quick visit or we specifically invite them to something, they don't phone, they don't come over, they don't invite.

My family lives abroad, (i'm not a born and bred englishgirl) so the kids hardly get to see anyone from either family.
It's all so very sad, but after 18 years i'm at a point where i have had enough of them and their attitude.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/06/2010 14:36

I think after 18 years, it might be time to cut your losses.

greenbananas · 02/06/2010 14:36

I agree with Quodlibet. Sounds like this situation is really hard from you and it's definitely not BU to feel upset, but think carefully about the best way to handle it... Is it possible that your DH genuinely didn't realise quite how upset you would be?

greenbananas · 02/06/2010 14:41

sorry - cross post - sounds like there is a whole lot of history to this. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Original poster
genieinabottle · 02/06/2010 14:46

Greenbananas, i don't know... DH can be a funny creature at times
I give him the benefit of the doubt about possibly not realising he would upset me with this joint b/day party and inviting some people i didn't want to.
But the way he reacted when i started to complain about this ... He made me feel like the bad guy for not being appreciative of his efforts. He should have realised then and at least tried to see my point of view but instaed he got really angry with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
genieinabottle · 02/06/2010 14:47

Greenbananas...sorry cross-post too. Just read your second post.

OP posts:
Vallhala · 02/06/2010 14:52

Get dressed up to party. Let them all turn up. Then hand the children over to 'D'H and walk out to a waiting taxi for a night out with your friends.

Yes, I really would do this myself.

RedRedWine1980 · 02/06/2010 15:03

I would deffo book a weekend with my girlie pals and stuff him and his family- he will soon get the message how you feel about it.

pigletmania · 02/06/2010 15:08

I would be livid! Leave your children with your dp for that evening and go have a lovely time with your friends or do whatever you like, how cheeky and rude of your dp. The party is obviously not really for you, but using your birthday as an exucse for having his family round.