to not like my mother very much at the minute

[mykiddies]

My mother and I are not getting on lately. She suffers from depression and can be nasty, hurtful, argumentative, angry. She is a v unhappy person mainly due to not having any friends, not going anywhere and my sister has learning difficulties. My dad also could be more supportive and understanding and they don't do anything together. My kids are minded two days a week. She is very critical of myself, always analysing what you say, saying I don't understand. I sometimes feel that if I was more like her we would get on better but seeing her like this makes me determined to have a happy life. I sometimes feel as if I'm responsible for her life in a way. It has got to be that I don't want to go out with her any more as it is hard work listening to someone complain all the time and being so negative and tbh it stresses me out. I admit that the only time I do see her is when I drop the kids off and pick them up but the days I do not work I would ring to see if she wants to go to lunch and the answer is usually no she's either tired, not well or wants to go to town (where I work so I don't want to go in on my days off). Also she sleeps to after 11 so it's hard to get out before 1 and I pick my other daughter up 2 hours later. I'm finding it quite hard atm trying to say and do the right thing.
The latest has been a call about a relative who had a scare and because I did not ring the day after she told me about it I was criticised for not ringing to ask about them and then told I did not give a toss about anyone so I put the phone down. I did not get in touch over the weekend. Today I left the kids off on my way to work and not a word was spoken. She said to my oldest that I had a nerve bringing them over considering the way I had treated her. tbh I hate the idea of relying on her to mind them but I have noone else. Can anyone give me some advice.

Its a difficult one, my mum was mentally ill and I found it difficult visiting and putting in the extra time out of my busy day to visit, and getting stressed in return. Felling guilty about visiting, and guilty if I didnt. The only thing I can say is that remember your mum is ill, she is suffering, she will not mean the things she says, she will not mean to upset you, she needs you but wont express it. Keep phoning and try to get her out of the house, try and keep positive. Its hard I know to not take things personally. The last thing she needs is not seeing the kids, and by the sound of things you need her to mind them. Hope things get better for you.

Thanks. I am stubborn in ringing her when I know she was mean. She can say some awful stuff. I get on quite well with my aunt her sister and we often have discussions over her. She has rows with my aunt all the time. Basically she doesn't want to go and visit her or take her out as she says and they have rows about this. To me she doesn't treat her v nice at all. The other day she said sometimes i think you were born to the wrong person which I thought was an awful thing to say. She also brings up things about my brother and myself saying we are like chalk and cheese. Why is this a fault? She just expects to say nasty things to people and for them to accept it and not answer back or defend themselves. tbh I feel intimidated by her moods, behaviour like this morning when I felt awkward. Mental illness is such a terrible thing but why should it mean that you hurt/push away the people you're meant to care about. I just feel like I have a life and family too but she doesn't get it.

I could be reading about my own mother from what you have said. My sister relied on her for childcare but it came at a heavy price where my mother thought she owned her. My sister also suffers from depression but deals with it using various strategies (eating healthily, exercise - as well as medication if she needs it). However my Mum refuses to take medication for any length of time but at the same time will not do anything to help herself and this is the part that we find really frustrating. It's as if she wants to spread the misery if you like.

This has gone on for as long as I can remember and, at the risk of sounding like a hard-nosed bitch, I am slowly accepting that my relationship with her can only be at the most superficial level. Any more than that and my own mental health is called into question.

Sorry to ramble on but what I want to say also is that she might not be able to help how she feels but she can control how she talks to people and how she behaves. I know it is very difficult but there is no need for guilt on your part - you and you DC are your family and that is where your loyalties lie, not constantly with your mother. No advice as such but be reassured you are not alone.

Is there anywhere else you can leave your DC's? What is she like with them? I would be reluctant to send my children there as she sounds very abusive. how old are your dc's?

easyoptionwoman what you say is exactly how I feel in the right words. My mother has had it for over 20 years. Its as if she wants to spread the misery if you like is so true. We are going on holiday soon also and because she is not going anywhere herself I try not to bring it up too much. She has been away with us before in the past which was fine about 8 years ago but I find as she's getting older she can't stick it as much. When I mentioned our holiday previous she said ah there's poor me wont get anywhere again and I said well you could have come with us even for one of the weeks and she said well you never said but I don't want to be hanging around yous all the time either do I so you can't win.

The childcare issue I think she feels put upon sometimes. Like she's doing it cause she has to. I hate having to rely on her for this and the occasional babysitting. MrsVidic there is nowhere else I could leave them. She loves her grandchildren to bits and is very good to them it's just because of her depression I think she finds it hard sometimes. My dad is retired. This is the main problem. He doesn't do anything with her. Not going out for meals, walks, lunch not much. Sometimes I get angry because if their relationship was better it would take a lot of pressure off myself. I can't talk to him. He is very good with the children. Would do anything for them. Always has but he is v stubborn if you bring up something he will change the subject v quickly. I think he is resentful of her illness - is always going on about her and her bed etc. but a lot of blame lies with him.

Also my oldest daughter told me last night that nanny said your mum has a nerve bringing yous over here after the way she's treated me. She put the phone down on me for nothing!

mykiddies - does your mum have to mind your DCs? If she's depressed, is the pressure adding to her depression? You've already said she feels she has to do it, which is just wrong IMO - I think you may have to find alternative childcare arrangements and find different, less pressured ways for your mum to see the kids.

Is your mum receiving treatment for depression? If not, why not? Is there anything you can do to help her with this? I know from experience that its hard to be around someone with depression, but she is your Mum, she helps you out a lot, and, TBH, you post sounds a bit "me me me" and not much thought given to the fact that your mum also needs help and is giving you childcare.

My mum is receiving treatment. It does not seem to help her or if it does it is shortlived and she would go up and down. I cannot help her if she wont accept help. She doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere. I take my sister over for the day every other weekend and when I do this she goes to bed. We cannot arrange anything with her as she changes her mind all the time. I also have a brother who does absolutely nothing regarding my sister. Never has. He doesnt want to be bothered. If i decided to make other childcare arrangements I know my mother would say not to be silly. Do you have any other ideas how I could help her??

Mykiddies - sorry I have no other ideas how to help her but I think you know that you could present her with various solutions or suggestions and she would still be the way she is. Until she decides to either stick with treatment, medication or therapy there is nothing you can do. You are not responsible for her - please give yourself a break.

Finding other childcare, though hard, would release one hold she has over you and this would perhaps make you feel less indebted. Visiting her with the kids would then maybe seem like a family occassion rather than work. Good luck.

mykiddies - I hear you and I know how difficult it is. If the treatment isn't helping her, is there any way she can be persuaded to see alternative treatment?

I do think you should over-ride her and find alternative childcare arrangements - its not healthy for anyone involved, least of all your DCs.

I'm sure there is a support group somewhere for relatives of depressed people - will try and find link for you because they might be more helpful than me!