to expect my 3 year olds to behave at mealtimes?

[penona]

I have almost 3 yr old DTs. After a few months of work on our house, 3 mths ago we finally had a proper dining space in the kitchen, which I hoped would make mealtimes a bit more civilised. Wrong! So now I am wondering, do I expect too much from such young children?

This is what they do that I think is bad behaviour: repeatedly get out of their chairs and run round the table/hide under the table/lie across the chairs/try and sit with each other/stand up in chairs; feed each other their meals; tip yogurt out of pots and smear on the table; generally mess around and play with food instead of eating it; dunking food in drinks.

DD usually manages to eat a meal whilst this is going on, but DS is too busy being silly to eat. He is tiny, very very small for age (although otherwise seems healthy) so it really worries me when he doesn't eat. They don't snack between meals, I eat with them most of the time (maybe 3 nights a week wait for DH to come home). When we eat with other kids they are often very well behaved, or else all the kids behave badly.

So, I really want to know, is this normal 3 yr old behaviour or should I continue getting cross and angry?! (which is exhausting, unpleasant and ineffective!!) And if IANBU, Help!!

Just over 3yo here. We definintely get the getting out of chairs/hide under table/stand up in chairs thing. And playing with food/putting food/cutlery in drinks but not ALL the time. For me, it's one of those things I try not to let bother me toooo much because I really think he still needs constant reminders at this age.

Sitting at a table to eat dinner quietly is learned behaviour, if you have only just (after 3 years) got a dining table to sit and eat together at, you have to expect that it is going to take a little time for them to acquire table manners.

I certainly expect better behaviour than that from my 3 year old! (But it is a constant struggle) But you have the difficulty of 2 of them egging each other on.

When my DS starts playing up he gets a 5 second count down to start behaving, get back into his seat or whatever else. If he doesn't then he gets time out in the corridor. Time out doesn't end until he has sat there quietly for a short period of time. The length of screaming/arguing would make the length of timeout quite long sometimes!!! - But it is getting better.

What finally works best - and maybe what you will need to do - is for him to eat 'on his own', ie I will leave the table and take DS2 away with me. DS1 REALLY doesn't like being left on his own like that, but even then his stubbornness will sometimes keep him going.

Try separating them, and enforcing some 'alone' time. Not having an audience for the silliness might just work. And I'm guessing that as twins they are not used to alone time, and won't like it too much!

Warning though, sometimes meals can take FOREVER because of all the timeouts!!!

DD is 3.4 and she doesn't get up because she is stuck in her booster sit, but she likes to eat with her fingers, smear food everywhere, put her spoon/food in her glass etc etc... It is a little draining and I alternate between thinking it's an age thing and getting really irritated!

booster seat, not sit, obviously,

You can't expect it yet, but that isn't a reason to accept the bad behaviour either, just keep plugging away at them - eventually it will work.

My twins were two in January and generally sit properly and eat their meals. They rarely get down and run around, but DS2 does like to tip milk from cereal bowl into water cup and other such things... He will also sometimes start to play with his mash with his hands once he has eaten enough but again this doesn't happen all the time (maybe twice a week?). He used to stick bits of his food in his drinks but thankfully not so often now.

However generally they are not the best behaved so I guess I can be grateful that mealtimes are not too bad!

My DTs are nearly 4. We have started a new sticker chart today, focussing on table manners. They don't tend to get out of their chairs, but they do do some of the other things you describe, OP - wanting to feed each other and/or swap food (despite having the same) making unnecessary amounts of mess and so on. During the week, it's usually just me with them at home, and mealtimes are starting to become a source of tension. I just want them to sit nicely and eat without making masses of fuss! Anyway, today, once the sticker chart had been explained, we had beautiful table manners at all three meals (one of which involved tomato soup) and they are very proud of themselves for getting three stickers.

Do your DTs respond to sticker charts? Try it - hopefully it will continue to work for us. They've been told that when they get two weeks' worth of stickers, we will all go out for lunch together, and they can choose where (they love eating out)

My DS was 3 in March. He is chained to booster seat. He really likes yogurt. If he is naughty (i.e playing with cutlery, flinging food about) then he gets a 'countdown'and if I get to 5 there's no yogurt after dinner.

Drink is kept out of arms reach until he asks for it.

Agree that you have got it super hard with two. For some reason DS will piss about if his dad is there, whereas he is quite good usually for me, so splitting the performer from the audience does sound like the way forward but I only have 1 DS so not very useful there!

Not helpful but I thought you might 'like' this- my DSs ex (thank God) told me to tie my then 5 yr old to his chair as that's what her parents did to her when she was naughty at the table. She thought it was a really good and helpful piece of advice! I never tried it obviously, rewards and repeated persistence paid off in the end.

At 3 my ds would sit at the table and eat fine at home and at a restuarant. When friend and her dd's came over it was a different matter

Like the split the audience from the performer!!

May sound harsh - but I did it with ds - if he got down I asked if he had finished - if not told him getting down is a sign he had finished and if he got down again I would bin it. After a few times he realised I was serious and he stopped. Just remember if they go without they won't starve.

Another favourite was the 'eat and think game'. I totally invented this one!! I would say eat 4 chips and think about what your fav tv prog is. he would eat think and answer and it kept him engaged.

Its much harder with 2 against 1 tho

I expect my three year old to sit still, eat with a knife and fork, or if she finds that too difficult/ gets frustrated, ask politely to use fingers or have it cut up for her. She is expected to sit for the duration of the meal should she finish before us or decide against certain portions, eat with her mouth closed, and finish her mouthful before speaking. She manages all of this pretty successfully on a daily basis, but she has been eating at table three times a day for the last three years, and has only adults to emulate. I'm sure it will get better, just sit and eat with them, set a good example and show them how to eat at table

YANBU

Thanks everyone, glad to see I am not alone! We did have a dining table in the kitchen from age 18mths to 2yr6mth which we all ate around, but they were strapped into highchairs over an arms length apart! Then they used to eat quite nicely together - meals were a source of tension because of what they ate rather than how they ate it. They learned to undo the straps and climb out the chairs, so when we moved back into the kitchen again, I took them away, too dangerous!

Anyway, I do think the pair of them egg each other on. ON the rare occasions I eat with one of them alone, they are lovely.

It is usually DS who messes around, he is not remotely fussed by being asked to leave the table and sit in the corridor - in fact he sometimes says 'good, I wanted to be alone' (!!) But he is the one I worry most about not eating.

I have never tried sticker charts for anything! No idea how motivating they would find them. It's their birthday in 2 weeks, maybe I could promise them the cakes they have been asking for!!

normalitybites would you like to come to tea so my two can copy your DD?!? Please....

My mum apparently used to feed us in front of the tv, so we silently popped food in without noticing. But I read somewhere this can lead to mindless eating in later life (which my sister and I are both guilty of!) so am anxious not to do that!

The other thing that seems to work for us is when they start getting distracted, I say "How many more forkfulls are you going to have? Shall I count?" which tends to lead them to getting competetive - "I'm going to have 10 more!", "Well I'm going to have 12" and so on. Then I have to try to count for both of them (!) but it does keep them concentrating and motivated.

yeah but it so works

My flat has a lounge/diner with the kitchen at the back. Being a single parent I don't always eat when ds does and sometimes he'll sit at table watching chuggington while eating . Mindyou the fact he can get food on his glasses lens probably equates to the mindless eating

OP DD is almost 4 and does much of this. She is getting better, and it is slowly dawning on her that 'big girls' don't do that, now she is going to pre-school and is about to start big school, she is starting to not like the idea that other children will think of her as a baby (her choice, but we use it ) and she is getting there. But up until recently, the same as you and nothing worked but time and consistence - reminding her to sit, to use her fork, to not play around, giving her a choice of eat with fork/knife or get down, sit down/get down. Its like a stuck record most of the time, but its getting there slowly. And now I have a 6 month old and it will start all over again.

good luck

Funnily enough to lazarusb comment, my DD had to give up her high chair to her younger brother, as they're 17 months apart and I couldn't afford to get a second one at the time, so she moved to a booster seat (no straps on that one, it was a hand me down) and when she used to muck about, I said I'll tie you with your reins to the chair, if you do not sit and eat and I only had to do it a few times and she learnt. Hoping that doesn't make me sound too awful? She was only just age 2 at the time and time outs weren't very successful at that point

Nowadays we do a time out with her if she is really getting tricky at tea time.

most boosters highchairs etc have a bit to attach reins too I thought. I actually used mine for this never walking