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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to really feel kids are missing out cos no extended family?

15 replies

blackmonday · 31/05/2010 18:08

We have no extended family at all. We don't even really have many good friends. no-one pops round to see us and we spend most of our time doing things as a family. me, dh, and 2 dd's, 5 and 7. they are well adjusted and have good school friends. I'm friendly with everyone at school, but not got really close to many. thing is i'm okay with it and wouldn't really like people popping round willy nilly, but feel the kids are missing out on not having family and friends to socialise with. Seems like everyone else has a large circle of family and friends and i'm starting to feel that we must look quite unusual to neighbours etc cos we don't. do u think children are really missing out? thinking of adopting a granny

OP posts:

lolapoppins · 31/05/2010 18:13

We are like that too.

We only have one ds, and our only other family is my dad who is elderly and really demanding. Ds has lots of friends, but we don't really have any adult friends, just aquaintences really.

Christmas is really, really soul destroying actually when it's just the four of us. We try to make it special for ds but it would be so much more fun with more people.

Bonsoir · 31/05/2010 18:15

Why don't you invite some other families round for a barbecue one Saturday night? Some of your DCs' school friends and their parents?

Original poster

blackmonday · 31/05/2010 18:19

lolapoppins, yes i feel it at christmas more too. Everyone else seems to have huge get togethers. Bonsoir, I have got to know all of dd's school friends parents and one comes round but the others are all busy, have loads of their own friends and family and it just wouldnt work iyswim. They're fine for school ground chat but it really wouldn't go further than that.

OP posts:

Sherbert37 · 31/05/2010 18:25

I feel this too. My parents are both only children, so I had no cousins, and they are 400 miles away. My DB is in a another country and doesn't even remember the DCs birthdays or Christmas.

Ex DH is an only child but at least he had lots of cousins with children. Now he has left us and has a new partner, I really feel the loss of his cousins who I have been seeing at family gatherings for 30 years. My children will at least have each other (3 of them) and this was one of the drivers for me for having a larger family.

Like you, we are quite self sufficient but I realise how few friends I have myself now that I am no longer part of a couple. All my uni friends are miles away.

I'm sure your DCs, like mine, don't notice and are very happy with their school friends though.

Dinkytinky · 31/05/2010 18:29

Hi! I just wanted to say that in my family we only have one aunt and one uncle ( not a blood relative)- my mum cut off essentially her whole family due to z
personal reasons and my dads adopted and it's never felt too bad- maybe this sounds a bit.. Dramatic but have you thought about more dc? I'm one of 4 and the best bit about Xmas was it being just us tbh! I don't miss having no extended family as I know we would be alot worse off if there were any contact with them ( I don't have any idea what they even look like!!!) so no you are deffo NBU, you sound like a lovely caring lady x

Original poster

blackmonday · 31/05/2010 18:31

thanks for the replies. I always feel it's just us that live like this. So sorry for your break up Sherbert. I have thought in the past that if me and dh seperate I would be COMPLETELY on my own. My one sister lives abroad and i haven't seen her for 3 years. Like you she has 5 children now to sort of compensate for lack of cousins etc. sure the children are happy but they get so excited when someone knocks at the door cos it's so unusual (then it's usually just the postman or meter man!)

OP posts:

Original poster

blackmonday · 31/05/2010 18:32

thanks, Dinkytinky. Hearing that has made me feel better

OP posts:

lolapoppins · 31/05/2010 18:34

Blackmonday - when someone knocks on our door we all kind of stop and look at each other and think 'who on earth could that be?' it's quite laughable sometimes.

It used to be the same with the phone as well until ed and his freinds started phoning each other!

lolapoppins · 31/05/2010 18:35

Um, that would be ds, not ed!

Sherbert37 · 31/05/2010 18:35

Perhaps like me you are in a town where the extended family is very evident? Here, there are mums who have grown up in this town and have their parents on their doorsteps. I love living here but do wish it was nearer my parents. I saw my gran every Saturday at least and I think it is a shame my DCs have not had that opportunity.

sarah293 · 31/05/2010 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

blackmonday · 31/05/2010 18:38

yes, where i live most people have lived here all their lives. we moved here from the other end of the country after i lost my dad. A lot of the parents at dd's school actually went there themselves. They seem surrounded by friends and family. Maybe that makes me feel worse and also a tad jelous

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 31/05/2010 18:39

We're in the exact same boat. You are not alone.

We'll be spending more time with the ILs as a friend has a flat sitting empty that he is trying to sell so we can use that to stay there, but otherwise we'd have to pay to lodge and it's too dear.

My parents are abroad, we see them once a year.

It's mostly just the five of us, too.

Original poster

blackmonday · 31/05/2010 18:45

it really does help to know others are in similar situation. I don't know anyone personally who has such little contact with anyone. it's okay during the week cos we're busy but weekends and holidays can be quite hard. i try to take the lo's out as much as possible to keep them busy but would love to have a nana i could take them to visit or some cousins who could come and play.

OP posts:

sandripples · 31/05/2010 19:00

Hi blackmonday - I also recopgnise this scenario as we moved here from the other end of the country and although I do have 2 brothers, they live a long way away and I don't see them very much - about once a year each. We do see my SIL on DH side also about once a year for a few days. My uni friends are v. scattered although when the DCs were little I did meet up with a couple of them for a week's seaside holiday once a year. Then the DCS got too big and I really missed that week!

We have found it good to visit other people on holiday - somtimes just for part of the hols as the DCs did love to be with another family. Sometimes we joined up for a whole week.

Christmas has also worked better when we've joined up with other people.

I think a lot depends on when you move - I felt lucky that it was before my DCs started school as we did become friends with a small number of people via school, and I had one baby here so met women via the baby groups and they have stood the test of time even though I don't usually see them a hge amount.

If you do feel you're missing out I think adopting a granny would be a great idea. We have almost totally lacked grandparents as all 4 dies when DCs v young or not born, and I'm sorry about that gap in their lives. So go o, try it and tell us how you get on!

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