To feel uncomfortable when my neighbours scream and swear at their kids

[squirrel42]

No aibu by stealth here, full disclosure up front: I don't have kids of my own so I appreciate that I can't fully put myself in their shoes. Also my parents shouted at my siblings and me plenty of times when I was a kid including quite a bit of swearing/proper angry shouting from my dad, but as a child of the 80's I was also smacked which is generally frowned upon now so I realise that perceptions of these sorts of things do change.

My neighbours have two little boys that I think are around 4yo and 6yo. From what I've seen they're pretty typical boys with a lot of running around, active play, questioning and pushing boundries so I can well imagine that they'd be a handful and some shouting is to be expected. But I can't see how yelling "shut the fuck up", "fuck off back to bed" and "I'm going to give you a fucking smack in a minute" on quite a regular basis can really be helping.

I'm sure both the mum and dad love their kids as much as anyone, and I haven't seen or heard anything that would suggest there's any physical violence or abuse going on, but it's quite difficult hearing this shouting and swearing directed at two quite young children every day or every other day.

I'm not on much more than nodding/saying hello terms so it's not like I can casually ask them "how are things, because I couldn't help overhearing you were really screaming at X last night". I know they've got a lot of extended family/friends in the street and the wider area who regularly come over to visit so I don't think they're lacking a support network, and as I said I'm the childless neighbour on nodding terms so I doubt they'd take me up on a babysitting offer to give them some more time to themselves.

I am trying not to be that grumpy judgey neighbour, and this is nothing to do with the noise/shouting itself because I really like seeing all the kids out playing on the green (it's a cul-de-sac) and they seem like nice boys who always wave and shout hello when they see me; I'm just really not sure if I should be doing anything about this swearing or if I should just shut up and mind my own business because it's nothing to do with me. Help?!

YANBU to care...of course you should, but if there is no other sign of violence, then there really isn't much else you can do. Add to that the fact that you don't have kids, which wouldn't give you as much credibility to say something to them, iyswim. (You'd get that whole 'what do you know about it' kind of argument).

It's horrible to hear that kind of thing...I understand feeling frustrated to the point of shouting, but really...swearing and shouting constantly is just not really on.

I used to have neighbours like that. It's a fucking horrible way to speak to anyone,let alone a child, especially when it's every single day.

I don't know whether or not you can do anything about it. If you think the children's safety is at risk you can raise it with Social Services.

Sound like vile people. Poor kids

I do remember being shocked listening to my neighbour shouting at her dd next door until I had my own dc's and realised I was not so perfect either!

However, whatever about shouting, I think swearing at children is unacceptable and that shouting in itself is actually counterproductive as the children learn to tune it out in any case.

Poor little things!

Part of me wonders whether it's just generally how they talk normally, because from overhearing them at BBQs and when they're out in their garden they seem like people who use swearing almost as punctuation eg "I can't fucking believe that the fucking idiots would do a fucking stupid thing like that". I've had some friends like that and it can be quite funny on a drunken night out, but you'd think they could regulate their language a bit when addressing their own children. It seems to make general frustrated shouting seem so much more personal and emotionally cutting - although I guess as chipmonkey pointed out, if the kids are used to it they might just tune the swearing out.

As long as you don't think the children are in any real danger of physical or emotional abuse, then there's not much you can do. Some parents just don't change their normal language at all with their children - it doesn't mean that they love their children any less. "Fucking" just becomes a standard adjective.

You could ring the NSPCC for some advice - can be confidential.

my neighbours are the same, it makes me wince/ Its loud, derogatory and I hate it when my dd hears it.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. In my opinion it's really not socially acceptable for people to hurl abuse at anyone - let alone their children - but, if they're rough, uneducated, inarticulate types then that's what's going to happen. The fact that their children will grow up thinking that kind of behaviour is normal is just a sad indictment of how low personal standards are in some families..

I'd be saving up to move house...

I too am a bit sweary (I blame my dad ) but I don't swear at people, and definately don't swear at my son. Well, not yet anyway, we have the teenage years to go yet.

I don't think YABU to be upset by it - I would be too. But unless you think the children are in danger or are being emotionally abused then there's nothing you can do really.

Some people are just shouty types and some aren't - the same way some couples have blazing rows, whereas some never shout at each other at all. As for the swearing, as you say if they're generally sweary people then the kids probably just tune it out.