To not go?

[firsttimemum77]

I'll try not to make this long - but there is ALOT of history and without telling you some of the background it won't make any sense...

I have been married 13 years...during those 13 years my relationship with PIL has just been downhill, from the start. Fil is a control freak, always treated DH like a child (even today) and BIL like a baby! When I 'joined' the family I was just another person to 'control' - or so he tried...but I stood up for myself. I didn't like PIL talk to me like a child and I always responded (politely) if I didnt like the way I was spoken to.

Culturally (although its changed a lot since then) when a girl gets married she goes to live with her PIL and DH in their home. I did too but within a year DH and I moved out as PIL interference was such that it was having a very negative impact on our relationship. FIL used to tell me he didnt like what I was wearing, he would come into the bedroom when he felt like it (as it was his home and why should he knock), he broke the lock on the bedroom door whilst we were at work, he cut the new lampshade off that I had bought and put up in the bedroom and so on and so on.

Anyway we moved out, much to PIL annoyance as we hadn't asked his advice. Then they used to turn up at our doorstep at odd times whenever they felt like it.

When I fell pregnant their 'visits' became more frequent and at even more odd times. If I was resting (BP issues) FIL used to loudly make comments downstairs 'why is she sleeping again?' 'why don't you (DH) come over to ours for dinner if she is just sleeping?') MIL never asked how I was, whether she could get me anything, even a cup of tea! Then when my due date was nearing told my husband to make sure I called them when I experienced the 'first pain!'

After I had DD (very complicated, traumatic birth was in hospital 5 days) NOTHING - no help, assistance, no how are you? do you need anything etc...DD is now nearly 3 and they do not help at all with any aspect of her upbringing - although to be honest we would never leave a goldfish with them let alone a child! PIL are only really concerned about money and property - their whole lives revolve around that!

Anyhows then BIL met someone and she became pregnant, but also has a child from a previous relationship. BIL moved out and went to live with his GF. When PIL found out they hit the roof! Didnt want nothing to do with BIL, his GF or the baby. Their only reason was that BIL's GF was not from the same cultural or racial background!!! What really got me was when MIL said to me she hoped that BIL's GF miscarried! WTF - I told her she was evil to even think such a thing! They had all sorts of family members trying to make BIL 'see sense' and leave his GF. THEN recently we found out they had been seen BIL and his family (his DC is almost 2 now) but had not told DH but all the time had been making it out like they had nothing to do with BIL and his family and were always at DH to make BIL 'see sense'. Oh and they had said in the past that they might 'accept' BIL DC but not his GF child from a previous relationship!

Now that all is out in the open (apart from what MIL said to me about the miscarriage as I have only ever told DH about that comment and the fact they said they would accept the other child) BIL is today having a BBQ and invited us and PIL. I said to DH i didnt want to go and he could take DD but that I was not a hypocrit and his parents who still to this day do not even talk to me with any kind of respect in my own house - well frankly I did not want to play 'pretend happy families' with them at the BBQ. Anyway this erupted in to a row and eventually he went with DD.

AIBU? Should I have gone? My view is that I need to make a point that his parents can't treat people like crap and say crap things when it suits them, and play happy families when it suits them and we should all just allow them to do that - because they then think that their behaviour is acceptable!

Ready to be flamed here...just want to hear your views. Like I said alot of history here but this post is long enough (sorry)...

I think that if BIL is big enough to let go what has happened and how awful his parents have been/are being you should have gone to show him support.

I see your point - but it's not just about BIL. He doesn't know anything about what they have said as we have not told him.

PIL think their behaviour is acceptable. I had a major row with my FIL a while back because he thought I had told his brothers family about BIL having a different race GF who was expecting a baby. FIL brothers daughters wanted to come over and see me and DD and he had told them not to come over as I was going to be out...ofcourse he had made that up. The girls came over as I had spoke to them and they told me that FIL had been putting them off coming. The reason he had tried to stop them was because he thought I would tell them the 'family secret' - which ofcourse I had no need to as BIL had put it all on his FB page anyway!

I told FIL then how I felt about the way he was and how he had always treated me like I was a piece of dirt and how he should remember that his GC is my DD and did not come into this world without a mother! My FIL told me to keep my feelings to myself and there was nothing wrong with his attitude! He thinks its okay to treat people like shit.

His sons might put up with it and to a certain extent the allow him to behave the way he does. But should I?

To this day PIL don't accept BIL's GF. They are happy enough to have a relationship with BIL and his family on their terms but BIL's GF is made to feel like she should not come to any of our family events, so as to not 'shame' the family! And too be honest she doesn't come because she doesn't feel comfortable herself and BIL lets his parents get away with that, as does DH by not standing up to them.

I just think its wrong! Just because they are their parents does not IMO make it okay to make allowances for their racist, sexist and damn rude views.

I would have gone and made a BIG fuss of bils step child!
Your pil sound like a right pair of tw$ts, but your Dh obv loves them so not a lot you could/should do really.

Yeh I guess I started this thread because after they had gone I thought crap I should have gone!! But on the other hand...I keep thinking Why should we all bend over backwards all the time for a pair of tits like my PIL! They always get what they want all the time with no backlash about their behaviour. It really makes me mad!

They have NO visitors, because noone like visiting them. My own parents can't stand them (my mum witnessed my FIL 'talking' to me when he didnt know she was in my kitchen! should have seen him squirming out of that one!)

I don't know (Sigh!) I just don't know anymore...I can't stand them yet know I have to make an effort even though they don't, because of DH. But if I do then it's like saying to them 'yeh go on treat me like shit - please, with my blessing'...

They are DH parents, I know...and he has a certain amount of feelings for them. But he didn't live with them while he was growing up! He only moved back in when we got married (because it was the right thing to do!) he lived mainly with his gran and other members of the family because his relationship with his dad was very volatile!

I hear do many sad storied about DH's upbringing from FIL brother, MIL Sister, grandparents etc. I guess DH and BIL just feel that because they are their parents they have a certain amount of 'duty' towards them...but I wouldn't call it love iyswim.

MadamDeathstare - you're absolutely right! I wish I had gone now to make a fuss of BIL's stepchild. I treat him like my own nephew anyway and have never made him feel any different to my own DD or BILs DC at all! And had I gone I would have been the same!

Yes I agree it is a DH / DP prob and thats why we ended up rowing, because thats the point I was trying to make to him...he just seems to think 'oh well, thats just the way they are, they won't change, so nothing more we can do!' and that ofcourse gets me going...grrr...

''I think it is time to point out to your DH that the 'right thing to do' is not let your wife be treated like a doormat in her own home, nor let her DC see her being treated like this. When you marry, your primary loyalty switches to your spouse and your children.''

^done that been there!' - end up rowing..I would never ever ever allow my parents to be disrespectful to my DH - but he just thinks oh well! No doubt he will come home with the hump aswell...don't get me wrong in all other respects DH is great! but when it comes to his parents its just the same old all the time!

The planning has begun....thanks

firsttimemum your PILs sound utterly poisonous and very racist. I completely understand you now wanting to even see them, but I think perhaps going, and being on very good terms with BIL and his GF and two children would have sent the message that you stand your ground...

I really do think that when people are this horrible they only seem to get away with it. In truth, their existence must be rather unhappy, riddled with insecurity and very lonely.

You are never going to change them. Your dh and your bil know this and choose to have them in their lives even if they are like that. I think you should have gone, to support your Dh and b&sil. You've done better than most by getting out of the house!

''In truth, their existence must be rather unhappy, riddled with insecurity and very lonely''

Very True Pacita.

Thing is after today I don't think DH will even ever ask me to go along...I do think I have cut off my nose to spite my face...

But the thought of spending time with them makes me want to vomit! I get so angry and I can't help it. By my own admission I do think I need to 'let go' a bit...but I just can't...memories of how they have / do treat me come flooding back...how when I really needed some support during pregnancy and after the birth, when I was struggling to cope through PND how they just played on my vunerability and kicked me when I was already down. I have so much [anger] that I can't see past it iyswim but on the other hand the last thing I want is this to get between me and DH - but it is...If I was to be completely honest I would say I am at a loss...

Is there anything you can do to patch things up with your DH when he returns? Maybe plan something the three of you can do as a family, and that makes him realise how fortunate he is with what he has.

It may sound twee, but I often think this myself when the three of us have a nice time!

Pacita - We do so much together, the three of us, and have so much fun, even if I do say so myself. But then THEY get in the way and it feels like its all undone.

I think I will have to do a bit of grovelling later, for sure. BUT I don't want him to think I am accepting his parents for the way that they are by apologising to him about the 'scene' that took place before he left!

I am hoping he is missing my presence at the BBQ and that he will think to himself that if his parents weren't the way that they are then I would be there as part of the 'family'...but honestly his parents will probably be pleased I didn't turn up! which is more reason for me thinking to myself I should have gone!

DH is off on Mondays and has DD they ALWAYS come over when they know I will be at work and DH thinks that is okay because I don't like seeing them anyway. BUT my point to him is that they can't treat the mother of their GC like that because without the mother they wouldn't have the GC!!! They seriously would be so happy if me and my sil dropped dead tomorrow and then they could have their sons and GC all to themselves and the evil wife/partner won't be there to stop their 'controlling ways!'....

Not only would I refuse to see PIL, I would go one step further and refuse them access to my child until they learn to behave with good manners. It will do your child no good to see the utter lack of respect that your pil have for you. You cannot stop your DH from seeing his parents,but you CAN make it very clear to him that it is totally unacceptable for your PIL to behave this way to you and you will no longer tolerate it. I would contact SIL and spend time with her and be supportive. I would n ot budge on this with my DH and tbh I feel he should be dealing with his parents.You have a right to expect loyalty from your DH.

Okay update: dh and dd are back. Very excited dd telling me about her day and listing everyone that was there, minus the stepchild!!!

So it seem that even the gf is okay with the 'terms of conditions' of having a 'relationship' that the pil have set!!

Am I missing something here? Are they all flamin' mad??? I would never send my other child off incase it upset a pair of tits! Obviously BIL thinks it's okay and DH tried to cover up by saying to dd 'yes x was there!'

My dd is quite sharp and would never just say someone was not there when they were!

Sorry if this don't make sense ( iPhone)

Yes, I suppose so. But really that's again allowing them to believe that their behaviour is acceptable. Personally if I was in gf shoes I would have put my foot down and said no to the BBQ rather than carting my child of to where ever! Accept both my children or none at all!!!

I'm with you, firsttimemum77. No matter what the reasons (and specially when they are as snotty, discriminatory and evil as theirs) a child should never be on the receiving end of anyone's prejudice. GF's child should be protected and cherished just like any other child.