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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that Alzheimers is not due to a lack of willpower or 'giving up'

41 replies

OrmRenewed · 30/05/2010 21:56

Spent the weekend with an extended family with one elderly man with quite advanced Alzheimers. Everyone very kind and caring towards him. They are by and large a very driven and ambitious family. One comment upset me a bit. Talking about this old man:

"Of course, he's made my mum, and Auntie X and Uncle Y very determined not to 'give up'. It's frightened them a lot that this could happen to them"

Which implies that a. he had a choice in the matter and b. he isn't driven enough to avoid it.

Alzheimers is a disease. It isn't a life-style choice. No-one just chooses to let go of their life like that

OP posts:
capstone · 30/05/2010 21:59

YANBU

StealthPolarBear · 30/05/2010 21:59

Oh I do agree with you but I can completely understand why people feel like that. The disease is horrible, and the worst thing is that the person with the disease is no longer able to take any control over their life, including the disease itself. That sort of comment is an effort against death iyswim.

StealthPolarBear · 30/05/2010 22:00

Same as when people with cancer say I won't let this beat me.
No one wants to give up control, to lie down and let it walk all over them

SuziKettles · 30/05/2010 22:02

I absolutely agree - in some ways though I think it's some sort of self-protection: "this awful thing could never happen to me, I wouldn't let it". Deluded of course.

I feel this about all sorts of serious illness though - this idea that willpower will get you through. When my mum was diagnosed with cancer my friend said "oh I believe she'll be fine: she's such a strong woman". Well, it doesn't work that way (although she did recover - touch wood).

Bad things happen to good, strong people.

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 30/05/2010 22:03

I agree re cancer - you can choose to think positively, eat well, fight it. Once Alzheimers sets in how can you make any positive choices to do anything. Horrible.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 30/05/2010 22:03

yes - that's it, delusion.
Same as when my Grandma refused to see her GP, she had her head in the sand, but tbh it's such a horrible disease that I think head in the sand's a perfectly valid stance to take.

larks35 · 30/05/2010 22:04

I think YABabitU, these people are watching a loved family member, of their age deteriorate in a way they can't face, but do fear. I don't think the comment you quoted infers that the man you speak of has a choice in the matter at all. I think the comment you quote just shows that others in the family close in age have realised Alzheimers is a possibility and one they would like to avoid.

StealthPolarBear · 30/05/2010 22:04

yes, you're right, you can't make positive choices because one of the features of AD is paranoia and suspicion of your own family, who are telling you something's wrong

OTTMummA · 30/05/2010 22:04

I don't see the comment as an opinion they hold against the elderly relative, but like the others said, its a way of reasuring themselves ( in a deluded way ) that they can avoid this disease.

KurriKurri · 30/05/2010 22:07

Gosh - that's quite shocking -my dad has advanced alzheimer's - he was a physicist and mathematician, a clever, funny, wonderful man, he also survived 5 years in a prisoner of war camp, he was anything but a quitter. But you can't fight this horrible disease.

SPB - you are right, I am a cancer patient, I get really angry when people harp on about 'being positive' and 'fighting' the illness, as if anyone who succumbs is in some way to be blamed

StealthPolarBear · 30/05/2010 22:10

do you think it is though? because when they say that, it's about them. No one has ever thought that someone who died of cancer was weak in any way (or I don't believe they have) just incredibly incredibly unlucky (or in some cases, to blame, e.g. heavy smokers, drinkers, sun worshippers - not saying that's right, but it's an opinion).
It's human spirit to think if I beat cancer it was ME doing it, but if I can't then it couldn't be done.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through it, both of them I hope you are OK. I'm sorry if anythign I've siad has upset you.

larks35 · 30/05/2010 22:11

Actually I thought that there had been research into prevention and slowing the onset of Alzheimer's. Healthy diet, exercise and brain stimulation seemed to be the key. Just googled

StealthPolarBear · 30/05/2010 22:13

yes, there's always research, and it seems like a mediterranean diet, reducing alcohol and keeping your mind active can help. But we need a cure! Aricept (ebixa?) did a hell of a lot to slow down the symptoms I think, too late for my grandma, but if my mum ever shows the signs I'll be crumbling it in her coffee. Yes it's unethical, I know.

StealthPolarBear · 30/05/2010 22:14

Kurri, what I meant by about them was that it's all about their mental health and attitude to the disease. I don't think anyone has ever extrapolated that. Hope that kind of makes sense.

KurriKurri · 30/05/2010 22:16

Perhaps it is a natural human need to protect ourselves, a sort of 'it won't happen to me because I do this that or the other' when in fact it doesn't quite work that way. I guess we all think it will happen to someone else, then you wake up one day and find you are that 'someone else'.

And no - you didn't upset me I'm a tough old bird really

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 01/06/2010 08:33

Well even if a good diet can help you avoid Alzheimers I don't think that it's much use to people already in their late 50s and 60s. I just got annoyed with the presumption that you can beat anything if you just try hard enough. Sometimes you can't and acceptance of that is just as important as positive thinking.

kurri - so sorry to hear about your health and your father's. Such a lot to deal with. It's such a vile cruel disease partly because it takes anyone regardless.

OP posts:
CMOTdibbler · 01/06/2010 08:38

My mum was determined not to get dementia like her mum - she always ate healthily, excercised, didn't drink, did crosswords and sudoku etc etc.

Last weekend, she couldn't remember how to cook something she'd been cooking for 40 years, and she has large personality and memory issues.

Nothing you can do about it, but it scares the f out of me that I could be doomed to this too, so I can see where they are coming from - even if they express it badly

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 01/06/2010 08:40

cmot - dad's mum had it, and dad is now getting very vague. So I'm in the same position as you.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 01/06/2010 09:47

oh cmot and orm
yes, me too - grandma is dying of it and i am watching mum like a hawk. it's a horrible disease

StealthPolarBear · 01/06/2010 09:49

although it's not genetic, is it

and i've actually re-read the op- though i can see why people say "it won't get me" I do think it's a bit naive/hurtful of others to relate it without realising what it is. they obviously think there's something in a positive mental attitude

lazarusb · 01/06/2010 13:27

I think, in my experience, that families and friends find Alzheimers very hard to understand and cope with. Maybe they didn't mean to be nasty but this was their way of saying it frightened them?

silentcatastrophe · 08/01/2011 18:30

I find it very upsetting that people want to blame disease on circumstance. You cannot 'fight' cancer. It is there. YOu cannot 'fight' dementia in the same way. It is really time to stop blaming people for the way they live their lives and start asking why they live the way they do. People live and die all the time and often one's death is a pretty crap experience for those left behind.

What is the point is saying, well, if they did x and they did as I said, because I know... We all have our failings and even the best of us succumb to horrible ends.

My mum is dying of Alzheimers at the moment, and it's bloody awful. I think she finds things very frightening and it's inexplicable for us. Communication is becoming increasingly difficult.

StealthPolarStuckSpaceBar · 08/01/2011 18:36

silent,I am so sorry tohear that :(
Have you joined the Alzheimer's Talking Point board?

nevergoogledragonbutter · 08/01/2011 18:41

have you guys read 'C - because cowards get cancer too' by John Diamond?

atissue · 08/01/2011 18:43

Yes its very upsetting isn't it? My maternal Grandad always says he won't let himself 'get stupid' like my paternal Grandma.

I think it is a way of protecting himself and trying to think he has some control over something you cannot control - he is 88 now so I think he is not going to get dementia.

Its ironic really because my Grandma did loads and was very active compared to him - sometimes shitty things happen to lovely people. We are at the stage now where death would be a release for my poor Grandma.

I think saying 'fight it' puts a lot of pressure on people who have cancer to always be positive and cheery when they justifiably might not feel like being. I have worked in this area and I think most people just tried to get through it somehow and they had good days and bad days. I didn't hear people talking about 'fighting it' at all really.

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