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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad and lonely

20 replies

littleduck · 29/05/2010 21:26

I work 4 days a week. I went back to work for fewer days to start with when DD was 6 months but have upped it over time (she is 14 months). I went back for financial reasons and no other.

I am the only one out of my ante natal group (the only mum friends I have) to have gone back to work so early. The other girls have lots of meet ups during the week when I am at work and so I feel really out of things. I've wanted to chat in RL about so many mum things and really needed support from time to time from people in the same boat but they rarely seem to be around on the day I am free.

I just feel so bloody lonely. My few other friends don't have children so don't really understand some (well probably quite a lot) of some of the stuff I have on my mind and I don't want to bore them so I don't talk about it to them.

I'm actually quite shy and find it hard to make friends. I'd love to have lots of mates to invite round or meet up with for coffee but it's not the case, I've only ever had a very small number of friends. It seems to me that by my age (nearly 40) people are in their little groups of friends and don't want to meet new people.

Now that I'm only at home 1 day a week free toddler and baby group stuff is more or less non existent on the day I could do. I can't afford paid classes like gymboree or monkey music. Plus I kind of want to spend my free day with DD and concentrated on her and I feel it's maybe not fair to take her off to a group activity (if there were one available) when she spends the other 4 days in a group setting at nursery and deserves a bit of one to one with mummy.

So it kind of leaves me a bit nowhere. But I don't want to get to 50 or 60 or 70 feeling this lonely.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 29/05/2010 21:29

have you tried mumsnet local or netmums local?

Or joining a gym, and going in the evening, joining an aerobics class or something? or college evening class?

BAFE · 29/05/2010 21:30

you don't say whether or not you have a partner. Where are your family? What about the people you work with,are you not friendly with someof them?

HumphreyCobbler · 29/05/2010 21:31

I wouldn't worry about going to a group activity with your DD, they are quite short periods of time anyway and you will be able to share the experience with her. It is a good way of making friends. Is there a nice soft play place near you?

Do you feel able to invite the mums from your group round for coffee on your day off? That way you get to stay in the loop and see some other mums.

I do sympathise, it can be very hard.

HumphreyCobbler · 29/05/2010 21:32

sorry, I see you have tried to ask them.

KorkiiEffenkrakers · 29/05/2010 21:34

Cheer up. I am 39 and have lived in a different country for the last 8 years so I've had to make a whole new set of friends. It IS hard, I agree. Try (shh) netmums. Also, I have found that making 'mum' friends is quite hard as often if you like the mum, the kids hate each other or vice versa. I would say, spend the day with your child for 1-1 quality time and do something once a week in the evening to broaden your own friendship circle. it is hard though, I agree and can take a long time. Where are you? I am in Manchester. If you are near here I will certainly be your friend!

violethill · 29/05/2010 21:36

Organised activities like toddler gym and coffee mornings are overrated. I went to a few while on maternity leave, and frankly, I felt a lot of the mums there were bored shitless and used it as a diversion.

You're tying yourself in knots imagining all your antenatal friends are having a fab social time, but you don't know how they really feel. Maybe they're envious of you having a job and a life outside the home?

You work 4 days a week, which means you're home for 3. Make the most of your time with your dd, and don't worry about baby groups. Try to extend your circle of friends too - loads of mums work, so get to know some others in your position. In the coming years, even more mums will be desperate to get back into the workplace, with the economic climate, so you shouldn't feel you're alone.

Original poster
littleduck · 29/05/2010 21:37

I have a partner. Only family is my mum and she is 2.5 hours drive away. Work people have their own lives outside work and don't live near me anyway.

I belonged to gyms on and off for several years to try and get fit more than anything - but no-one ever spoke to anyone else! I don't ofetn go out in the evenings as there's the dinner to cook and it doesn't seem fair just to leave DP home alone, he very rarely goes out either. The guys he used to be close to have moved out of our area to life in the country!

I have reminded the other mums of my number and the day I am free and said I'd love to go for a coffee or a walk or something but more or less no response.

OP posts:
Bluebell99 · 29/05/2010 21:38

I think that you need to get out and about on your free day and meet other mums. Is there an NCT coffee group in your area? That was a life line for me when my kids were small, and I am still friendly with that group of friends now,as opposed to my antenatal group, who I don't see at all really ( although bumped into them when looking at secondary schools for my eldest!)I used to take my children to mum and baby swimming classes, music with mummy, five different toddler groups!!! Oh and baby massage when they were tiny! See what is available on your day off and get out and about. I met one of my good friends now walking round my village when my ds was six months and her baby was about six weeks.

Original poster
littleduck · 29/05/2010 21:39

Korkii very very sweet of you - I live in London sadly nowhere near you!!!!

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 29/05/2010 21:41

Maybe you need to invite the mums over on a specific date. Host a coffee morning for them all at your house. I bet they would love to catch up.

Original poster
littleduck · 29/05/2010 21:41

Bluebell your ideas are great but so far I have only been able to find paid groups on my day off and I can't afford them right now. I take DD for a walk to the children's playground but most people are there with friends already and don't talk.

OP posts:
LunaticFringe · 29/05/2010 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
littleduck · 29/05/2010 21:48

Not sure what they are up to - some of them seem to have very active social lives and lots of friends. I don't want to pry iykwim...

OP posts:
SarfEasticated · 29/05/2010 21:49

I spent a lot of my maternity leave meeting work friends for lunch, and that is what I would do now in your position. I work full time now but will go back to 4 days a week if I can soon. I have also negotiated a free night off every week when I go to the pictures with my friends. I only really have 2 mum friends who I really like, and we meet up at weekends sometimes. I think after a while either you become a SAHM and your life completely revolves around you child, or you go back to work and get (1/20th of) your pre-baby social life back. Maybe stop worrying about new friends and just enjoy your existing ones. I use internet forums if I want advice now!

BusyMissIzzy · 29/05/2010 21:52

Where in London are you littleduck? I'm in Barnet (N. London), have a 12 week old DD, and don't now many people here either.

Bluebell99 · 29/05/2010 21:54

The nursery school had a mother and toddler group too, now a surestart children centre, which was very cheap. Also the church in the village had a prayers and bears toddler group (free) Are you a member of a library? They often have free sessions for mums with under fives. Is there a Nation childbirth trust coffee group near you? You dont have to have done their classes and you could offer to host a coffee morning? Or I would ring your mum friends and invite them round to you on your day off, but ring rather than text. I am very shy too, and looking back am amazed at all the things I attended! Some places are cliquey. Where in london are you? I know the soft play place near my brother does a very cheap mother and toddler rate.

Original poster
littleduck · 29/05/2010 21:55

I am in SW London. There are NCT coffee mornings but they seem to be held on days I work.

OP posts:
Mingg · 29/05/2010 22:12

I am in SW London - happy to meet with you if you are anywhere close to Lambeth

HumphreyCobbler · 29/05/2010 22:16

littleduck, it sounds to me as if you have got rather nervous of contacting the people you had an antenatal group with. I can sometimes feel like that myself. It has seemed to me that if they wanted to see me they would have phoned me, so if they haven't it must be that they don't want to.

BUT my more relaxed self tells me that people just don't think in that way. It is human nature to respond to a direct invitation. A vague offer of a phone number and hint that you would like to do something is not likely to get a response. Not because they don't want to see you, just because it is so up in the air.

I would try and invite some of them over. Try two of the mums you liked the best, see if they are free. If not, suggest another date.

I hope I don't sound too bossy, it is just that I have been exactly in your situation and I know how hard it can be to convince yourself that people will want to be friends.

catkinq · 29/05/2010 23:22

Try contacting your local NCT branch and volunteering to host a CM on your free day. They are usually glad of volunteers.

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