to never let BIL near my children ever again

[JackBauer]

There is a bit of a backstory so will keep it brief. Bil is 25, just moved out from il's house inwith his gf. He has history for being very selfish/self centred. We know that he has been injectng himself with testosterone for 'muscle build' He knew that now he has moved out dd's (4.3 and 2.7) would be sleeping in his room + that we were coming up this weekend. He didn't clean out his room at all.
Dh got here a day before dd's and i and filled 6 binbags with stuff from his room including
Lock knives
A loaded bb gun
Porn mags
Empty viagra blister packs
And
6 unused hypodermic needles.

Obviously i do not think iabu but we can't tell mil + fil (she is incapacitated after a stroke + fil is 73 + got enough on his plate) so wtf do we do?

Posting on phone from mates house so might not be able to come back but would welcome any comments as i think showing him other parents reactions might help him see we are nit 'being fucking twats' as i know that's what he will say.

OH goodie, he's just walked in.

DH is out, this could be interesting.

Oooo how foul. I feel dirty just reading it

I knew someone once who injected testosterone. He was a total maniac because of it. I would steer clear simply because he is injecting that nasty stuff never mind the needles and viagra.

LOL @ coming over all Andrea Dworkin

bin the load of it. he'll have to ask you about it then. esp the viagra

YANBU! Injecting testosterone alone would be a huge problem for me...the rest...won't even go there. I would SO not let the DC's be around him.

just tell / warn his gf

I called DH and asked him to come back as he was trying to make conversxation with DD's and FIL in teh room and I was finding it really hard not to sceram at him.
I told him his stuff was in teh garage as we had to clean the room for the girls.
DH came back and told him what he had found.
Oh, I thought I got them all.
I am so proud of DH for walking away at that point but then they had a shouting match as I was putting dd's to bed and BIL has stropped off to teh garage saying he can't talk to DH until he calms down. He thought he had got everything [expletive deleted] and he couldn't ampty his room until now as he didn't have a car.

No apology. No admittance that it might be a tad dangerous to have thing slike that in the fricking hosue anyway.

We give up. He is in teh garage now sorting hsi stuff. We have decided if FIL and MIL ask we will tell them, seeing as how we have done nothing wrong, why should we have to lie for him?

Thanks for back up, like I say, I knew IWNBU but still, is nice to hear that we are underreacting in a way.

Pennies, doubt his gf would care. He told DH to ask her as he had tidied and she had helped. She is a dirty skank as well.
They stayed in our house once whiel we were away, after 2 days there were makeup tissues and clothes shopping rubbish all over spare room floor (there was a bin), half full beer bottles on the floor (some balanced on my chidlrens toys, nice) sunday sport papers left lyng on floor and 2 nights worth of takeaways left on teh side of the kitchen, with dirty plates to go with.
He is not welcome in our hosue after that anyway. We have given him a chance!

Apparently it won't be though...

he was here yesterday pm when DD's and I got back from visiting MIL, had a bit of a discussion, me being very calm so he couldn't say I had lost my temper.
He kept justifying himself that he didn't know the girls were coming and if he did he would have checked, and then saying in next breath that he thought he had got them all.
I pointed out that he obviously hadn't, and the girls thing is irrelevant, IL's have a small dog who could have found them and they shouldn't be there in the first palce, if FIL knew he would unload seven shades of shit on him. He started saying 'Ogh well it's quite clear im not welcome so i'll fuck off then' and did.

He then rang a few minutes later a bit calmer to talk about it. He says he has changed and doesn't do class A's, smoke or drink anymore and has turned his life around thanks to his gf.
I (over a loooong convo) made it clear that it is not up to us to believe him, but it is up to him to prove to us he ahs changed as there is nothing, currently, that would make me happy to have him round my children, or me for that matter. He was 'very hurt' byt that but admitted that we had a point, and understands why DH is apoplectic with rage.

So we shall see. I have told him that until I have seen he is a changed person he isn't welcome around us but that we won't tell IL's and he ahs agreed that that is fair enough and will try and show us he has changted.

Am quite shocked really, it's not like him to be able to discuss him being a twat so reasonably, so it is possible he is telling the truth, but we will wait and see. DH is of the opinion that he has gone one step too far and doesn't care what he says/does now but we shall see.

Oh, and fwiw, my mum thinks we are overreacting

I don't think you're overreacting at all. It seems that he might be genuinely bothered by your concerns though, given that he's keen to have his say. I think you're absolutely right to wait for him to prove himself.

Thnanks. I don't think I am, but mum still thinks I was overreacting when I threatened my sister after she slapped DD2's hand for chucking peas when she was 9 months old....

Hmm family dynamics set when we are young are hard to break out of but you are doing the right thing JB

omg - weapons and porn left in a room where your dc's were to sleep and you're over reacting???
if your dc's had hurt themselves with the weapons, or talked to a teacher about the porn they saw the shit would have hit the fan.
he was irresponsible and inconsiderate to have left the items at his parents house, and i'm being really fecking nice here.
he sounds like a nutjob and a loser.
don't let anyone tell you you're over reacting about this

but, he's 25 and (i presume) not a parent? Loads of people just don't have that caring thing for other people before they have kids, and maybe he had them put away not realising that kids will investigate? I think i mean i don't think it was a deliberate ploy to upset you or harm the dcs. BTW the porn and viagra are really not an issue for you to worry about noe the dcs won't be seeing it. There are a lot of men who use that stuff.

grumpy, I can see your point but they weren't put away, they were under furniture (with gaps under it, could be seen from floor level) where he had dropped them, and under the bed, where DD's like to hide.
I know that nothing did happen but that's purely because DH got here a day before us to see his mum and thought to check, if he hadn't thought, they would have found it.

I have no problem with people using porn, viagra, even having knives etc, but they shoudl not be left lying around anyway!

Jack - he's quite a preoccupied cock (clearly a v small one with issues getting up ) but you and DH are doing the right thing by taking the high moral ground and not involving FIL and MIL (given all the stresses they have going on elsewhere).Hopefully BIL will get a reality check by the way you and DH have reacted to his behaviour and actually turn his behaviour around.