to think its not rude to say you'll phone back if someone phones when you're eating?

[undercovamutha]

DH thinks that under no circumstances should you let anyone who phones up think that they are interrupting you. Even if we have just started eating a hot meal and a member of his family phones, he will not mention that we are eating, and chat to them for up to half an hour, whilst his dinner goes cold.

I however have no qualms about just saying politely 'I'm really sorry but we're just in the middle of tea, can I call you back in minutes.' DH thinks this will offend people.

So AIBU?

Reckon you should show this thread to your dh to show him the error of his ways!

What is your DH on? People need to eat, what's the problem, you're in the right here sister

YANBU. There is no reason why anyone should get offended for you wanting to finish your food.

I also hate it when I am visiting someone (and I am specifically thinking of my nan here) and someone phones, usually one of her daughters and she spends at least half an hour on the phone to them chatting instead of saying "I'll ring you later, I've got someone here" I do think it is a bit rude to sit on the phone when you have someone in your home. My nan said she can't say this but I pointed out that I say it to her if she phones me and I have friends over and she doesn't mind. It made her think a bit.

It also happens with a friend of mine. He comes over for the evening, someone phones his mobile and he sits in the living room having a very long chat with them while we sit and wait for him to finish, again at least 20 minute phone calls. Or MIL phones DHs mobile straight away if she can't get him on our house phone. Generally means we are out (sometimes its cause we haven't even go to the phone in time) and DH has a long conversation with her while we are having a day out. Its nothing that couldn't be said later when we are home. Grrrr.

My mum or sister always ring when were having tea and i tell them, im eating so il ring you back when iv finished.

'Out of interest, what would he do if someone physically interrupted your meal by knocking on the door?'
I actually think he would do the same - chat with them, rather than make any suggestion that they were calling at a bad time. I think he's just got a thing about offending family and friends. I guess he just thinks that we (me and DCs) will understand, but others won't.
I will be showing him this thread!!!

This drives me fucking mad, here! No matter who calls, dp wanders upstairs and rabbits away while meals go cold. None of the calls have ever been so urgent that they couldn't have waited and we have an answerphone on every sodding phone, plus mobiles so it isn't difficult to leave a message! I don't answer the phone at mealtimes but if I did, I would simply say I'd phone the caller back. Nobody I know would be offended but most people would think I was a complete eejit to waffle away while meals went uneaten.

You are not at all unreasonable OP. In fact, we don't answer the phone if we are eating - they can always call back or leave a message if it's important.

undercova - my dh is the same. he was brought up that his own feelings/needs were so subservient to others, that he HAS to do what they want, even to the detriment of himself, and by extension, us. drives me mad, he has left dd, as a baby crying for food, rather than offend someone else!!

even worse, MIL used to deliberately phone at meal time, as she knew we would be in then (even though it was me, feeding dd as a baby & dh still at work - all of which she knew).

If you have answered the phone already then yes its rude. If you don't want to be disturbed, don't answer the phone.

I'm not applying any old subservience theory to dp's hugely inconvenient habit of answering the phone at mealtimes. He just does. But then him and the dog share a similarly selective hearing! Not that the dog has started taking phone calls yet.

YANBU

However, when I call someone (who I know has an answering machine/call minder/caller display etc) and they say this, I am usually ever so slightly irritated (not rationally I know). I would prefer it if they had simply not answered the phone and then got back to me once they had finished. I think that if it isn't convenient to answer the phone - then don't! If you ring and no one answers ALWAYS leave a short message!

Last weekend, PIL rang and we didn't answer as DH and I were both stealing a little nap whilst DS played happily. Obviously, we would have picked up if they had started to leave a message that was urgent. If it wasn't urgent, then we would have got back to them as soon as we had woken up properly. Twenty minutes later that arrive at the front door because they KNEW we would be in. No rest for the wicked I think!

YANBU

I'm eating
Just walking out the door
Need to do a wee
Baby is crying/needs changing

Any number of things that are perfectly reasonable reasons to say can I call you back

To family

Telling person from bank that you need a pee may be TMI

YANBU, my fil has told me how rude I am for not answering a call when we are eating, I find it all very odd.

I work on the basis that people aren't mind readers. They can't be expected to know when you are eating but, imho, will not expect a meal to be interrupted if their call coincides with it. Anyone who thinks it is rude not to answer a call when eating is, with respect, very silly.

You should explain to your DH that if he wishes to teach his DCs manners then he needs to model them.
He is showing astonishing rudeness to you and his children by placingtheir company beneath that of anyone who happens to phone.
He is not being well mannered. He is being astonsihingly rude.

It always astonishes me how many people seem to think that imediate family = ok to be fucking rude. Like people who never say please and thank you to their children but bark 'thank you' at them if they don't use them in public.

Manners are a manifestation of consideration, not a party trick to impress the neighbours

I don't know what it is about the telephone but even the most well mannered people can have a total block about using it considerately. To my utter horror last week, dp took a call on his mobile while we were out having tea and went on to have a louder than comfortable conversation. After a number of futile attempts to get his attention, I prodded him with a cake fork and hissed "Outside with it!! Now!!". On returning he said he'd needed to speak loudly because the phone reception was poor. That this should have taken him outside without being asked didn't seem to have occurred to him. And he truly is an exceedingly polite and well-mannered chap in all other circumstances!

We don´t answer if all eating together.

How can you offend someone-they don´t know that you´re ignoring the phone.

And not putting family first is the height of rudeness imo.

yanbu. My parents invariably call during mealtimes (as it's convenient for them), and whilst I used to feel guilty about either not answering the phone, or saying I'll cal back - I don't any longer. Time sat together as a family is limited enough as it is,I don't tolerate interruptions unless it's an emergency tbh.

For the record I think it's rude to call people during those times, and if I have to do so then will always start the call with ' are you free to talk'

i agree with the others who say your Dh is the one who is rude

once i was invited around for coffee by a school/nursery mum. we arrived at her home and my children ran off to play with hers in the garden. she came out to say hello and while we were standing watching the children and chatting, her phone rang in the house. she went to answer it and never came back!

i stood out in the garden waiting and watching the children for ages - i could hear her talking away inside and see her through the kitchen window. after about 40 mins i went to the window, waved and signalled that i was going and she just smiled and waved goodbye. It was only ever to be a short visit as it was between nursery and school pick ups.

i thought she was extremely rude. even if it was an emergency, she could have least have come out and said

"i'm so sorry, my MIL is ill/BFs husband just left her/died i will need to deal with this - could we rearrange for next week?" or whatever

Pikelit

My Dh dosen't do that but he does seem incapeable of acknowledging that there is any one else in the room with him while he is on the phone. So if he needs a pen he does this weird clicky gesture whilst trying to continue the call.

It used to drive me nuts. I used to say " why can't you just say ' just a moment, let me ask my wife to pass me the calendar' and speak? FFS " But he can't.
so now I just feign deep stupidity and pass him mackrel pate or the dog.

If the phone rings just before dinner we say we're just dishing up and we'll call back later. If it rings during dinner, we leave it.

YANB at all U

I just don't answer the phones.
If the door goes, and it is always someone for DD, I tell her to answer and say we are eating, and she'll be out when she's finished, if they chap again, I will go and say that they've been told we are eating, and could they please not come back.