to know where DH lives and overnight access for DS

[Ezma]

Now, this is first time on AIBU so please be gentle but honest! ExH and I split up 10 months ago, we have 2yr DS. As these things are, it was all a very horrible for the first few months but as I've gotten my life back on track, it's all been better to the point where we can actully see each other without it descending into arguments.

We're now trying to sort out between ourselves better access arrangements to DS for my exH, including overnight visits (partly because good for DS to have contact with exH and, being selfish I want to have some time to myself.

At the beginning exH was lodging with mutual friends, a couple of months later he went to stay with a friend from his work. Just before Xmas, I found out that he'd actually moved into a flat of his own about 40 minutes train ride away. Not ideal but I was more pissed off as I inadvertently found out that he'd moved from mutual friends rather than him telling me himself. With hindsight, I can understand to an extent why he didn't tell me because I was probably still in angry psycho mood (I strongly suspected and still do that exH had Plan B in place before jumping ship IYSWIM).

Now that we are at the point of discussing overnight access whilst I think he is at the point where he is capable enough of looking after DS overnight (another v. long story and main reason for split), he still hasn't told me his address/ living arrangements. I don't want to know just so that I can stalk him or, if he is living with someone else, go and shout at them etc. etc. but I do think, as we are both adults, we should be able to act in a mature, responsible way and that includes me knowing where DS (I wouldn't be so worried if DS was older but he is only just 2) actually is when he is staying with his dad for the weekend especially if there was an emergency. The longer that it goes on like this the more it makes me think that exH really has something that he is hiding. However, I have tried to tell him that I am in a really good place nowadays and if he had met someone else, yes, I would be pissed off if it had started before we split but I'm having lots of fun myself nowadays .

It seems such a shame, as I kind of feel that I can't allow overnight access until I know an address and if he is living with someone else (be it flatmate/ gf whatever). Given that we are in for the long haul in terms of co-parenting DS, surely we need to create an environment where we can be honest with each other and build up trust? So AIBU?

I do think it also matters that Ezma's DS is so young. If he were older (say 5+) then it might be a bit OTT to check the safety of the place - but at 2, I think it's entirely appropriate.

YANBU - to an extent. I do think you're entitled to know your ex's address before you let him have your ds to stay overnight, but I don't think you can insist that he has to have a landline, nor that you're entitled to "vet" any flatmate/gf or whoever that he may or may not be sharing with. I can understand totally why you might want to, and I do sympathise, but I don't think you're entitled to. Looking on the bright side, at least your ex is making an effort to see your ds, and does seem to want to stay in his life and be as good a dad as he can be.

I don't want to vet as such, just to feel comfortable that whoever DS is spending a lot of time with is someone who I feel I can trust etc. Even if it's just a quick hello etc (apart from being nosy that if it is a new GF then I can see whether she is better looking than me/ slimmer etc. although none of that would be difficult ). If it is a new gf as well, wouldn't she feel it's better that it's all out in the open rather than people sneaking around telling fibs/ covering their tracks/ pretending she doesn't exist. If I met someone that was special to me then I think I would want exH to know and also introduce them to each other. As much as anything, I just don't want DS to grow up with a disjointed idea of relationships etc.

Re. the landline, this is down to experience as (perhaps rather conveniently) my exH has had multiple problems with reception on his mobile over the past 2 years plus and/ or technical problems which means he never sees missed calls on it etc. It got to the point where, even before we separated, that the easiest way to contact him was to send an email to his work blackberry. Call me old fashioned, but far less can go wrong with a landline and, as much as anything, if there was an emergency with DS in the night, then I want exH to be able to get hold of the right people without there being any problems with his mobile. Again, I don't want to call him, just have that reassurance.

So what happens if you don't 'feel comfortable' with his house and his girlfriend, once you have inspected them?

If it were me and I didn't think his house was appropriate, I wouldn't be letting DS stay there overnight. I don't think I'd be happy having him take DS there during the day either, tbh, depending on how unsuitable it was.

The op is talking about overnight stays, Tanga - not preventing her ex from seeing his DS at all.

I would never ever let my children anywhere without knowing the address. Things can happen to the father too. From a heart attack to whatever. So child does not come back and you will have nothing but a mobile phone number.

I don't really know what I'd do if I didn't feel comfortable Tanga. I do appreciate that I need to take a more laid back view than if, say, it is checking out a nursery as I do have to trust that my exH (regardless of how he has behaved) is not a complete numpty in terms of judgment etc (although he did marry me ). I think the only way to approach it would be to have an honest discussion with exH and, if he is living with someone, perhaps postpone overnight visits until both exH and I are both happy that they can cope (because at the end of the day it could be very difficult for someone to deal with a 2yo toddler staying overnight especially if they are an early bird like DS!)It's a challenging situation for everyone involved and I just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing not only by me and giving myself peace of mind but also what is going to work best for exH and DS. Oh, I don't know, the more I think about it the more I get in a muddle about it!

I think you sound VERY reasonable!

No way would I let my DS go and stay anywhere where I didn't know the address. I'd also insist on dropping him off the first time so I could check it out help DS make the transition.

I think it's clear really, lay it out for him (again) that he tells you or he doesn't have him. Do it in your most reasonable voice. I think he'd find, if he ever pushed it, that he wouldn't have a leg to stand on officially.

will you live by these rules too? you'll not have anyone stay over night untill you're both happy that they can cope

ILove, yes I would as I think that it's a really huge step to have someone else in your life that is potentially going to be quite a big influence on my DS as they grow up. I've already made the decision that if I did meet someone that I fall in love with/ had a relationship with, I will take it very slowly in terms of introducing them to DS etc. I guess it's partly down to my experience with exH that I want to make sure that I don't do anything that adversely affects DS. It can be a really scary prospect for anyone to take on someone else's child and IMO that requires everyone to be willing to take things slowly so that everyone is comfortable with the situation and, hopefully, I've learnt enough from my relationship with exH not to make the same mistakes again! God, I sound really sanctimonious there don't I (really not intended so I hope no offence taken)!

I think you'll find 'officially', Casserole and by that I'm assuming you mean legally? that it is in fact OP that doesn't have a leg to stand on - if ex applies to court then it is pretty unlikely that this level of control would be countenanced - ex would be allowed to take the child where he wished, with whoever he deemed fit in his parenting time.

However, just to come back to my earlier posts, I hope they didn't come over as confrontational, was doing 3 things at once so was responding very fast!

I would strongly suggest mediation to discuss some of these issues. You can bring up your concerns in a non-confrontational way, and hopefully find a compromise position. Obviously, you want your DS to have the best possible care, but how is your DH going to learn to cope with looking after his own son unless you 'allow' him to try it?

Legally the OP's ex would be allowed to permanently withold his address despite taking the child there for extended periods?

If that's true, that's wrong.

If it went to court, as I said in an earlier post, he would have to reveal his address anyway. But there are now far more conditions that have to be satisfied before he's 'allowed' to have his child overnight. It was these conditions I was referring to when I said that a court would be unlikely to agree that it was reasonable.

Of course it would be much better if parents could get along and meet one another's new partners - my ex and I have done exactly this - but you it isn't reasonable to use your 'power' over the contact between parent and child to get what you want unless you feel the child is in danger. Would it be reasonable for the ex here to say he wouldn't return the child from contact until OP allowed him to have a nosy round her kitchen cupboards and an interview with her new boyfriend?

Unless this is an AIBU by stealth.... then I think YABU.

Either you trust him to use his judgement and care for your son safely, or you don't.
If you don't, then seek legal advice and take it from there.

As for posters suggesting you have the right to home safety check his home, well, I'm speechless.

I think for me it is the fact that since we separated (an before) his conduct has been less than honest. When someone consistently lies to you, avoids dealing with difficult issues etc then it automatically makes you
much more cautious about what they were actually doing. I am a born worrier and whilst I can deal with that in the context of most things I am always going to be more worried about DS.

I know I can be a control freak but I'm
hoping that if we can discuss things in a reasonable way then my ex will see why I am worried and understand that it is only natural (and hopefully he will understand what I'm like) and as such we will be able to reach a compromise. Part of the difficulty is that when I've tried to be reasonable in the past, he then just takes the piss and does something else which blows any trust that I had built up in him.

I think every situation is different so it's hard to
compare each separation and how things like access are agreed. I really want to avoid the legal route as I don't think it will do anyone any good (a few months ago my perspective on that was v different).

Then mediation would definitely be the way to go. But you need to get it sorted out fairly quickly as 10 months is a long time not tp have overnights in place.

I can see why your Ex might be reluctant to inform you of his address given what you say about how you behaved when you split. You say that's all over now - does he know that?

I have been in your Ex's position - I didn't tell my Ex my exact address for a few months because I didn't trust him not to a) come round and try and catch me out as to whether or not i was with anyone or b) come round and cause a disturbance. Once I felt I could trust him not to do this, then I told him.

I didn't have a landline either - many people I know don't. I would be very surprised if you could compel him to. I also don't think you can expect to 'inspect' his home. Possibly that's the reason why he won't give you his address? to avoid you turning up on the doorstep to check the house is suitable?

Agree with Tanga. You need to resolve this promptly. And mediation is probably the best way to go.

Will you be allowing your ex-husband to interview any men that you go out with? And if so, what will you do if they don't pass muster?

You see this is one area where I think you have absolutely no right of insistence. I also suspect that you've erred a tad on the bunny boiling side (probably with a reason) and your ex-husband can't quite trust your reaction if he lets you further into his life.

But equally, I'd not be happy if I had absolutely no idea where a 2 year old of mine was staying so somehow, you've got to meet each other halfway with this one. It occurs to me that some sort of professional mediation might be useful since it is always easier to share your fears with a third party who isn't emotionally attached.

Very good advice pikelit.

I think its entirely reasonable to know where the 2 year old is staying, and to have a contact number (landline requirement not reasonable though).

However, once it comes to 'vetting' any potential friends/partners - you're on far more dodgy ground. Would you be willing for him to do the same with you? And what if you meet someone, fall in love, but the guy doesn't meet up to your ex's requirements? Would you drop a potential new partner just on your ex's say-so?