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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my baby will be better off with separated parents than ones that fight constantly

24 replies

splashy · 27/05/2010 22:37

I am 6 months pregnant and have left my husband. (well I say I left him, he was/is pretty happy about it)

We were constantly fighting and it was very upsetting for me especially as I'm pregnant and have all the hormones making me emotionally labile.

he was angry at me for not having an abortion and still is. says he hates me and our child. i cant stay with someone who doesnt care about us.

i do accept that he was shocked to begin with, but now its 5 months that he has known and i have to accept it won't change.

am still worried about my child. i know our relationship was unhealthy and am happy it's over, but do wonder whether my child will miss out not having two parents. (i would never stop the father having access, but i'm not even sure if he wants it now)

OP posts:

Pattertwig · 27/05/2010 22:40

no - the child will NEVER miss having a dad that hates and resents it and wished it dead.

Never.

It's not possible to "miss" something you never had... I am sure you'll find someone much more worthy of you both in time

foureleven · 27/05/2010 22:44

nope, its no loss to either of you. With love from the voice of experience

Good for you being so strong, you only have to spend 5 minutes on here to see that so many women stay with these nobbers until well past their sell by date.

hairymelons · 27/05/2010 22:45

Splashy, sounds like you and your child are both well rid. Much better to be without someone who can behave so poisonously.

Must be a stressful time for you. Do you have good support from friends and family?

hairytriangle · 27/05/2010 22:48

YANBU - you are being extremely wise, well done you!!!!!

SirBoobAlot · 27/05/2010 22:49

A child will be better off with a mother who loves them, than a child who is subjected to bitterness every day because of their existence.

Is there any chance he would come round? DP was angry that I didn't have an abortion at first, and is now the worlds most doting father.

Though to be honest I think you are much better off without him if is being such an arse. Do you have friends and family around you?

ninah · 27/05/2010 22:49

yanbu
I have to ask if the hairies are related?

mussyhillmum · 27/05/2010 22:49

An acquaintance of mine was told by her ex-partner that if she didn't abort their baby he would leave. She continued the pregnancy and he left. Almost 8 years later she has a wonderful, polite and happy little boy who doesn't seem to be missing his biological father in the least!

logrrl · 27/05/2010 22:49

YANBU
tried to get my mum to leave my Dad for years. Living with a younger brother and sister who have been severely affected by their conflict.
You are a brave, admirable woman to have put your baby first.

Original poster

splashy · 27/05/2010 22:51

sirboobalot and hairy melons - i have my mum who is supporting me. i havent told my friends yet but spending time with them is enough atm.

am actually happy about this in a way. this way i won't get hurt anymore.

he had 5 months to come round to the idea, so no i dont think he will. we tried counselling but it wasnt going anywhere because he isnt willing to change and sees me as selfish for wanting him to care.

OP posts:

hairymelons · 27/05/2010 22:52

ooh, another hairy one!

no relation. great minds though, eh?

SirBoobAlot · 27/05/2010 22:53

Then he sounds like a total arse - you're being very brave, and it sounds like this is what is best for you and your baby.

hairymelons · 27/05/2010 22:58

Sorry, splashy, silly x-post.

It's great that you've got your mum, I'm sure your friends will all support you too.

It must be a relief to be out of such a horrible situation. Now you can get on with looking after yourself and your baby. And although emotional hurt is hard enough,I do hope you don't mean he hurt you physically.

In any case, must have been a hard decision to make but well done for doing it.

BritFish · 28/05/2010 01:23

what an arse he is. its ALWAYS better for a child to have HAPPY parents. whether that means parents together parents apart single parent new families whatever.
children dont benefit from two miserable parents struggling along for the kids, they benefit from happy parents.
congrats on your pregnancy btw! please come back to us and tell us how you get on!

tillywee · 03/06/2010 22:37

Good on you girl! the child will not grow up feeling hated and resented now.

At the end of the day he is the loser not you, if he wants nothing to do with the baby there is nothing youcan do about it.

Let him explain to the child in 16 years or so why he was a pathetic waste of air.

Hope the rest of the pregnancy is good and stress free x

organiccarrotseedsareplanted · 03/06/2010 23:04

It took me until my DS was 2.6 to make the same decision (I also got the "have an abortion... you're ruining my life" crap and in my case this was a planned baby that he "changed his mind" about). Someone said, "better two happy houses than one unhappy one".

I am now exceptionally happily remarried, DH considers DS to be his own and we're expected #2 in 6 weeks. Ex sees DS about once a fortnight but isn't really interested and hasn't paid maintenance since last September.

You're giving yourself AND your baby the chance of happiness. I wish you the very best of luck but yes, you've made the right decision.

MollieO · 03/06/2010 23:16

You are better off without him and there is no way you should consider staying with someone with his attitude.

Having said that your dc will miss having a father. Ds's father expressed similar views to your ex so there has been no contact bar meeting up to register his birth. Ds started asking about his father when he was 2. We go through phases of no questions for a while then lots and lots of questions (ds is nearly 6). Hardly surprising as he is the only child he knows who has no contact with his father. Even his friends ask where is father is .

I find it hard to deal with at times but there is never a time when I regret not having contact with my ex. Good luck.

fishingboat · 03/06/2010 23:22

If you don't mind me asking how old our you both?

Becoming a parent is a major thing to get your head around, Was it planned in anyway?

Anyway that should not come into it, it took the both of you to make this child, he should repect your choice to go through with the pregnancy after all it is partly your child and it's your body.

I am so pleased you walked away and didn't let yourself get pressured into an abortion, it is a terrible thing to go through even if it is your chioce (believe me I know) but I cannot imagine the pain of feeling force into by someone who is suppose to love and protect you!!

Take care of yourself, even if he doesn't change his mind I'm sure you will be a wonderful mummy, you are already putting your child first the way it should be, and he will be missing out on the great joy a child brings! xxx

Original poster

splashy · 03/06/2010 23:48

fishing boat we are both 22.

the baby wasn't planned, i was taking the pill which for some reason didn't work.

i feel good about leaving him because i remember how nasty he has been, but i do regret my daughter will not have a father. also i feel lonely, but i know that that's not a reason to stay with someone.

i'm fine with this except when he calls me to shout at me and it just brings out all the hurt again.

OP posts:

ItsGraceAgain · 04/06/2010 00:02

Dear lord, I'm so glad you ended that! What a horrid man

So who thinks you're being unreasonable? Are you getting pressure from relatives, or just having a wobbly moment? YANBU anyway. My sibs & I used to wish so hard that my P&M would divorce! Far better to have a happy home than to grow up in an unpleasant atmosphere.

MrsHarkness · 04/06/2010 11:21

Both you and the little one will be so much better off without an idiot like him around! Well done for doing it and not being pressured into abortion, no-one is saying it will be easy but you will manage

2blessed2bstressed · 04/06/2010 11:30

I agree that you're going to be much happier apart, and that your child needs to have a stable, safe upbringing - doesn't sound like that would've happened if you hadn't been brave enough to leave your ex. But, I sometimes think life is somewhat unfair on men....you weren't planning to have children, your contraception failed, he said that he didn't want to be a dad, and society says "tough luck". Men don't get nearly as much say, and it works both ways, sometimes they really want a baby and the woman says "No, it's my body" and goes and has an abortion, and sometimes, as in this case, it works the other way round. Don't all go mad, I just think that the balance isn't always terribly even, that's all

poppymouse · 04/06/2010 12:54

YANBU, well done. Might be easy for me to say but I shouldn't worry about the father figure bit. It is just possible that he will grow into being a Dad when he sees the little one, alternatively, you may have freed yourself to meet someone who will do a better job of it. Friend of mine just split up with her OH. They have 3 children. I thought she was a bit bonkers to get a new man involved in the kids but the new man has been wonderful with them, given my friend the support she desperately needed and her ds has complete hero worship of new man. Anyway, the two of you are going to be just fine whether there is a man in your life or not.

Original poster

splashy · 04/06/2010 13:24

thank you for all the messages of support.

2blessed - he was given the choice whether he wants to be a father or not. i told him he can be involved as much or as little as he wants to be. don't think he is going to want to be involved with baby much, but he might surprise me. what wasnt up to him was to demand i have an abortion, this is my baby as well and i could never live with myself if i did that.

OP posts:

ginnybag · 04/06/2010 13:51

You are absolutely right to think your child will be better off now that you've separated. Nothing is more distressing for a child than an unstable and unhappy home.

And, although having a father figure is important, it is far more important that this little girl is going to grow up with a mother who is loving and strong and who can be a perfect role model to her for what she should expect and demand from her partner.

If you find yourself wobbling, think what a message it would have given her if you'd stayed and put up with that. Him shouting at you and being hateful to you both is no environment for an impressionable little mind.

Much better for her to have one loving, happy parent than two miserable ones.

On another note, your daughter's father-figure could end up surprising you - it could be your Dad, your brother, your future partner, a close male friend - biology doesn't make a good parent, devotion does.

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