to not want to go to this christening?

[missismac]

History. It's my half brothers new son (pfb for his wife, he already has a son by previous girlfriend). Half brother is lovely man, wife is OK - a bit 'my way or highway', but she loves him & is good for him and is, I think, a good woman. Both have very supportive family close by and actually this is the crux of the problem for me.

I've struggled with my relationship with Mum & step-dad since my brother was tiny. Step-Dad is lovely but in thrall to Mum. His world is however she paints it. Mum, didn't want me & has made that very clear by her actions all my life. But, she'd deny it if ever challenged. She talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk, if you know what I mean. This is something I've struggled with forever. I have 4 DC's and she has shown no interest in seeing them or building a relationship with them. In 15 years she's never once picked up the phone & asked to visit them or have them over. She does see them occasionally but I always have to ask for the contact & arrange it on her terms. If I don't ask it doesn't happen. She luuurves my brother and just dotes on his two boys. My oldest DC is now starting to recognise the disparity though I've tried to keep it from them & make out they don't see much of Nana because they live too far away.

I've reached the point now where I can rationalise all this to myself, but to be present at a family event when neither I nor my DC's are not really allowed to be a part of that family is still too painful and I don't want to do it to either myself or to my DC's.

I feel that if I go the bitterness I feel at the different way my family & my brothers family are treated will manifest itself in the form of sharp or snappy comments (from me). I'm not an unpleasant woman but the pain my mothers behaviour causes me makes me so.

I am grateful for the invitation from SIL, and think she's a good woman. I don't want to disappoint her, but I just don't feel I want to put myself or my kids in a situation that is potentially so hurtful to us. I just don't think I have it in me yet to be the bigger woman under these circumstances.

What to do? WWYD?

do you want your children to have a relationship with their cousins?

if you do then I think you have to go, ignore your Mother as much as is possible while still being polite, concentrate on the family that you want to speak to (brother, SIL, maybe even step-father)

it can't be more than a couple of hours to cope with, have a big treat for your children on way home

good luck whatever you decide

Yanbu do what is best for your family, if that means not going then fine I would go personally and leave the dc with dp so everyone knows I am not being funny.

I think you should give it a miss feeling as you do

I think I would go, I was in a similar position (Won't go into details, but lets just say I rarely speak to my parents these days) for DS3's Christening.

I desperately didn't want to invite them, but in the end did avoid even bigger fallouts/upset.

I won't lie, it wasn't pleasant having them there, but it wasn't the end of the world, and most of the time I distracted myself from having to talk to them (they feign "caring" and appear to have no knowledge of the hurt they caused me in recent years.....) as much as was possible. I did breath a HUGE sigh of relief when they left mind.....

I think if you want to try and maintain a relationship for your DC for the nicer members of your family (and extended family) you should try and go.

I also had to attend a family funeral (was an all day thing as well) not long after DS3's Christening where despite the fact that I only "knew" about 5 of the relatives there I succeeded in only uttering 3 sentences to my parents.

I went because I have no issues with my Great Aunts DD, and it was her mother (my great aunt) who had died and I wanted to be there for them.

Good luck whatever you decide though

I'm sorry your mother behaves so badly.

While I can completely undestand it you decide not to go, can I suggest that you do.

Assuming that it is half B/SIL who invited you, then presumably they do actually want you there. Isn't being invited, going, being seen to be part of the family a fairly pointed reminder to your mother, that, actually, you are part of the family and that plenty of people do like you and welcome you and your family's presence?

Anyway, I hope you reach a decision which is good for you and the DCs.

YANBU and I don't blame you for not wanting to go.

Is there any way you could not go (you don't have to give SIL the 'real' reason) but offer to meet her and half brother and their DC's another time with your DC's? Maybe go somewhere together for the day and spend time with them away from the tension?

what tablefor3 said!

You sound like a lovely person and this is clearly a really painful thing for you to deal with but the fact that you still have a good relationship with the rest of your family and that your SIL has invited you to a family occasion says it all. Regardless of how your mum feels about you, from what you say, the rest of the family do care about you. It sounds as if you have dealt with the situation with a great deal of dignity over the past few years and I have a lot of respect for that as I think in your situation the easiest thing is just to blow your top. On that basis and just from how you sound in your post, I think you do have the strength to be the better person in this situation. My instinct is that you should go, there will be other family members there to whom you can talk to, it's only going to be for a short period of time, you shouldn't feel pushed away from your family by your mum and it allows you and your DC to build up a good relationship with those members of your family who are worth your time and energy. You don't have to speak to your mum that much, the bare minimum will do. If it's in the morning, perhaps you can then treat yourself and the DC's to something fun so that you have something to look forward to after the necessary stuff is over and done with and that way if it hasn't gone too well at least you can take your mind off it in the afternoon.

Do you care enough for your nephews, brother & SIL, as it is about them?

If not, don´t go.

What diddl said.

If you genuinely want to celebrate the day with your brother and his family, then go and ignore your mother (who sounds absolutely vile btw), if you feel that your presence will cause a possible scene etc at the christening then give it a miss and maybe explain to your SIL why, surely she would understand.

I also wouldn't push your mother for a relationship with your DCs. She clearly isn't interested and when they are older, she sin't going to see them as adults so I wouldn't bother including her in their lives now.

OK, well the general consensus seems to be that I should go. DH says the same - so I will, and smile too (grrrr).

If I'm honest I don't care too much about DB, his sons or SIL. Their life is lived 100miles away from me - I am not part of their life, nor are they part of mine or my family's, other than birthday & christmas cards & pressies. I don't really forsee his sons wanting to have anything to do with me & mine though I've made a lot of effort in the past to maintain links, but am older, tired-er and just a bit weary with it all now. They're nice but there's so much pain involved for me with seeing him that I just can't see a close connection ever happening.

My Mum isn't horrendous or nasty, just really really blinkered. She doesn't know and refuses to recognise how much she has pushed me away from her new family unit over the years (I've tried to explain in so many different ways over the years- including blowing my top Ezma!) but she can't or won't hear it. She 'misremembers' hurtful incidents and denys them even when a 3rd party backs me up. How to deal with someone like that?

I don't want to travel 2 hours or more, make small talk with my Step-Dads family, travel 2 hours or more back again, but I will because you're right - sometimes you just have to go the extra mile. And I'll do it without moaning too - sorry to offload this onto all you lovely mumsnetters. I just really feel I've lost both direction and impetus with my Mum, stepdad & half-brother. I needed a metaphorical kick up the backside - you gave me it as nicely as possible! Thankyou.

I don't think you should go. All that hassle for people that you aren't really bothered about and don't see cause they're 100 miles away.

If you don't want to do something, then don't.

I think kids make a great barrier, you can "attend to them" as much as you like to avoid too much contact. Your DH knows you are sensitive, and can stick by your side and support you.

Good thing about a Christening is:

You can sit wherever you like in church.
It is mainly ceremony not function like a wedding (not too much small talk)
You can have a quick cuppa and sarnie and say sorry long journey, kids and all that got to go, bye.

Why should you sacrifice what family life you kids can have for a controlling old biddy?

Its a tough one. Id say you are better off cutting your mother out, ande for this reason reducing contact with your DC. If you think you can explain this and not cuase offence then dont go xx