to send my son to his dads

[4kidsandcounting]

Please help i need some advice.My oldest ds is 10 and recently has been becoming very difficult to live with.He has been hitting his brothers and argues back about anything,i also have been having difficulties getting him up to go to school in the morning and with another 3 kids under 5 to get organised breakfast etc its not great.I feel I'm constantly arguing with him as when he asks for something if he doesn't get his own way he rude to me and swears and tells me he doesn't love me and that he wants to move out which really hurts.Yesterday was the final straw for me when he asked me for money to go down to the local shop for a sweetie,i said no as i had gave him £10 on sat which he has spent all ready so felt that he had had enough money this week.I went to make the tea after this and ds then asked my dh for money to which dh said no and that it should of been enough for me to have said no to him.Then totally out of the blue my ds started shouting at my dh that he was not his real dad and that he was not treating him the same as our other kids and hated him and that he wants to stay with his real dad.My dh was so upset by this as we have been together since dear son was 3 and he has always been a fantastic dad to him and loves him just as much as our kids together.I am also devastated by this and really upset.My ds has regular contact with his real dad in fact he stays over with him every second weekend and goes for a week in the summer too.I know that my ex has always had a problem with dh bringing up ds and regularly over the years ds has came out with some stuff his real dad has said about dh such as 'he doesn't love you like i do and other rubbish like that.Ex has another son with his now wife who he makes sure is away the weekends ds goes to stay so he can spend all his time with ds.I should also mention ex has a lot of money and anything my ds wants he gets and is pretty spoilt there.Myself and dh live of 1 wage and cant afford to spoil the kids but they are very loved and happy which i thinks more important.I am so hurt because i have always tried to do the best for ds and bringing him up in a happy home but feel now that all my exs brainwashing and spoiling him has made my ds want to stay with him.I thought about sending him today after school until Sunday so we could all calm down a bit but is that just letting ds have his own way?sorry if this is a bit of a ramble but im not good with words and find it hard to explain everything.

You sound like a lovely mum you really do.

Yes, I think you should let your ds go to his dads until Sunday to give both a you time to calm down and reflect on things. Never mind that it gives him his own way this time. Try to look at the bigger picture. With him at his dads for a couple of days, you'll be able to think more clearly.

My ds upset me big time over the week-end. Instead of shouting at him, I wrote him a letter and left it on his pillow to read telling him how upset I was. He was very contrite and apologetic after reading this.

Could you put your thoughts down in a letter for your son?

I wouldn't worry too much about what he said. He is a pre-teen; he will be full of hormones and torn between wanting independence and needing to be a little child. I have a 10yo ds. Nuff said. We are also rubbish parents, but unfortunately he's stuck with us, as there is nowhere else to go.

What you can do, I think, to make it easier, is to have clearly formulated rules. For instance, fixed pocket money. I think it is easier at this age not to have to much on-the-spot negotiating going on. If he knows he is getting X sum every Saturday, there will be less of a chance of arguing. Ds has fixed weekly pocket money (though far less than £10, I have to say) and there are rules for television watching etc.

Also, try not to show how hurt you are by his remarks. Stay the calm smiling adult, "yes dear I understand you feel like that but Dad and I aren't actually going to change our minds you know".. I often find if I can get ds to laugh, it helps.

Your dh will feel more vulnerable because of his stepfather's status, but tbh most of us have some vulnerable spot and a boy that age is bound to find it. Just try to stay calm and firm, and occasionally tell him that you don't like him being rude, so however he feels he will have to find a more civilised way of expressing it.

Thanks BAFE i just dont want him to think going to his dad is a reward for bad behaviour but feel some time away might help.The letter idea is good i think i will try that although i doubt ds will really care what i think.

Thanks cory i guess your right.I said that to my dh that i was sure ds didnt mean his comments its just something he knew he could throw at dh to upset him because he wasnt getting his own way.Fixed pocket money is a good idea but he will still nag me constanly for more but i will try my best to stay firm

Totally agree with BAFE and cory - children are experts at finding weak spots. Could you find some spare time to do a bonding activity with just him? Then when you're all getting on, mention how nice he's being, and how you much prefer that behaviour. Then he might feel a little bit guilty, and improve.

Don't be hurt - that's children really.

Thanks Cretaceous i will try that and hope it shames him to feel guity.Just need to calm down first as im so angry at him.

My DD (she's 8) has always been a master at arguments. Occasionally, when an outbreak has passed, I do a bit of role play - I'm her and she's me. Then we re-enact the battle, and she laughs and kind of sees it a bit better from my point of view - until the next time!

I'm not surprised you feel angry, though. My OH is total laidbackness personified, and even he has felt cross with the children. There's nothing like family for upsetting us.

We went through exactly this stage with DSS1 when he was 11. Every time he didn't get his own way, he was horrible to all concerned and demanded to go to his mothers. Three days later he would be back, when he didn't get his own way at her house.

What worked eventually for us was a combination of a united front - both parents refusing to tolerate bad behaviour at the other house, and ignoring the horrible things said, refusing to rise to them. He possible feels that life is a bit confusing, and is trying to assert some power over the situation. He's also trying to punish you all for his feeling that way. So don't let him. Be firm, and any painful things said, respond with a mild "yes dear"

Is it possible to sit down with your ex and get him on board? The "I want to go to my dad's, you don't love me" routine should stop if his dad won't tolerate bad behaviour at your house. A united front between all parents is important. If your ex is unreasonable, try to sell it to him as a way of improving DS's happiness, and ensuring that ex isn't next in the firing line.

I think letting him go to dads, while a welcome break from the stress isn't the best stratagy in the long term, as it is letting your son control things far too much. He needs to learn the boundaries, and the consequences of being horrible to people.

DSS1 grew out of this after about six months, after both parents were refused to allow him to control things. He returned to his lovely self, and was never trouble again, throughout his teenage years. He is 19 now, and a lovely considerate young man. So there is light at the end of the tunnel! Good luck.

Ha ha that's a fantastic idea i can just imagine ds face when i act him out with all his cross faces he pulls and his ranting,perhaps it might make him realise how silly hes being.My dh is a real softy and very laid back to but ds comments cut him deep.Thanks for the advice

Grandhighpoohba My ex isn't the easiest and is is guaranteed to do the opposite of what i ask him so theirs not much point.The last time i had a problem with ds and asked for his help on the matter he took him to toys r us bought him a trolley of new toys and told him not to worry bout his mother being a cow.You are right about ds being confused but i knew it was coming as when he goes to his dads hes striped of anything that came from our house clothes,psp etc and banned from talking about us including his siblings unless ex wants to know something about us and what we are up to.Its pathetic and he is very bitter even after all these years i cant talk to him,I'm pleasant to him when i see him but that's as far as it goes.I always just hoped that ds would see that this was strange behaviour but he seems to see his dad as some fantastic god who gives him everything he wants and sees us as the boring nasty discipliners.I really hope he does get over it because I'm not giving up on him.

I feel for both of you, tbh, your son is from a broken home with two sets of parents and families, and also rules, he gets his own way at his dads, and not at his mums, it will be confusing and also at his age he will be finding the two difficult to comprehend, Yes he is acting out, and his behaviour is unacceptable, but at the same time, he has different parents, who parent differently, that in itself is wrong.

I feel sorry for you also in the sense that your getting all the backlash for the different parenting, but instead of taking it out on your ds, it should be you trying to come to a compromise with your exh, about spoiling ds with material possessions/sweets/own way etc....

I would also be having words with ex about the way he openly talks to ds, about your dh, as no wonder thr lad is confused and acting out.

problem with ds and asked for his help on the matter he took him to toys r us bought him a trolley of new toys and told him not to worry bout his mother being a cow.You are right about ds being confused but i knew it was coming as when he goes to his dads hes striped of anything that came from our house clothes,psp etc and banned from talking about us including his siblings unless ex wants to know something about us and what we are up to.Its pathetic and he is very bitter even after all these years i cant talk to him,I'm pleasant to him when i see him but that's as far as it goes.I always just hoped that ds would see that this was strange behaviour but he seems to see his dad as some fantastic god who gives him everything he wants and sees us as the boring nasty discipliners.I really hope he does get over it because I'm not giving up on him.

That whole posts is exactly why your son is behaving the way he is!, I would not be allowing my child to see a man who belittles me, my family, until he reaches a compromise, as it is destructing your family relationship, with your ds, and no good will ever come from that.

Littlemrshappy you are so right but my ex wont listen or discuss anything with me.I spoke to ex a few years back and politely asked him to try to understand that spoiling ds is causing difficulties as ds does not understand why he gets own way etc with him but not at home with us.To which he replied its none of your bloody business what i do with my son.I have also asked him to lay off my dh but he just laughed in my face.I wish i could talk to him but there's not any point in talking to a brick wall.I will just have to keep being firm with ds and hope that he realises that we love him and one day will see his dad for what he is.

Unfortunately my ex has a court order to have ds every second weekend so i cant stop him going.I feel so helpless and i know its going to get worse,but feel i cant do much to stop it

Go to the solicitors, family law, mediators, etc... if you want things to continue, you need to make a united front for the sake of your ds.

What "good" it is by sending him to his fathers, that if he strops and plays up, he wins and gets his own way.

Have tried lawyers and mediation too but ex just goes along with it in front of everyone then goes back to his old ways again.He is extremely manipulative and comes across like dad of the year in front of everyone making me look the bad one for being unreasonable.It is so very frustrating.My dh thinks I'm being mad to send him to his dads any extra to i was just upset but you are right

Video him, when he says it, do something to catch him in the act, then you have evidence, etc... but honestly you do need to do something/anything or this behaviour will carry on, remember also that your son will more than likely not want to behave this way, he has two different sets of parents, who are very different in all ways, emotionally, financially, time, attitude etc... it must be very confusing for him.

I hope you find a solution, in making the situation easier for your and your sons whole family life, it must be heart breaking for your ds to watch his parents being destructive to the well being of your ds.

fingers crossed that something will make all your lives more happier.

Actually I'd go against the grain here and say that DS staying at exDH's for a while might be a good idea.

This would give you a break. Plus I feel from reading this that exDH is playing at being a Dad; he sees his oldest DS for alternate weekends and the odd holiday. He doesn't do the daily slog of school, homework, getting him to bed on time, running him to friends' and activities.

If exDH had to do all that with DS for a bit he would appreciate what you do all the time, he would inevitably see DS not at his best at times plus he would have to be firm with DS.

Worth a thought?

Thanks everyone for the advice i have took all your advice on board and am going to pull myself together and deal with this.