SENCO assistants offered by nursery

[mrspir8]

HIya all, I would really appreciate some advice here.

Some of you may know that we have been having some problems getting DD (2.9 yrs old)dry at nursery. At home we have been daytime nappyfree since end of Feb, that took about 5 days before I was content that if she needed to go she would ask, we do have the odd accident from time to time, mostly poos but generally she is brilliant.
Yet at nursery she simply refuses to be dry, she will go to the toilet with the other kids but not do anything then 5 mins later will wet herself. She has never pooed in the toilet at nursery and poos herself almost everday she is there. (2.5 days a week) For a while we seemed to be getting there with wees but she seems to have gone backwards again.

I have had long discussions about it with the nursery nurses, they have tried everyday reward tactic they know of. We have taken her own potty in and that made no difference as she always wants to use the toilets there. It's got to the stage now where they are having to physically carry her to the toilets when she is showing signs she needs to go-even when she is crossing her legs and holding herself they ask if she wants to go and the answer is always no. She shouts no and screams if they ask too often and yet she is not actually performing when she goes to the bathroom willingly. When asked about it DD also says she likes pooing her pants, wants to do it in front of her freinds and thinks it's funny.
The nursery nurses are saying that they are happy to carry on and not to put her back in nappies but I am getting really fed up with lack of progress (and the washing!!!!)

On Tuesday, I was approached by the manager after I picked up DD who said she wanted to discuss this with me. I did say I am my wits end with it to her at which point she said would I like her to get the SENCO in.

I have a proper meeting with her about it on friday after I have dropped off DD-I dont wish to discuss it in front of DD as I think this would be unhelpful to the situation if she is doing it for "attention"

So my questions are this?

Is this too much of a reaction from the nursery?
I have never had any dealings with a SENCO before, what they are going to do?
Does the situation even warrant a SENCO on board?
Is it likely the nursery is at fault here? Not approaching her the right way or using the wrong tactics?
What am I to do?

I work in a pre school and this kind of thing is really common. we currently have at least 3 children who aren't keen on using our loos, and 3 more who don't go unless someone takes them. Everyone needs to chill over this and take the preassure of her. The nuresery worker was very wrong to have told her off, this kind of thing is what puts littlies off. She will get there and if she is dry at home at least you know she can do it, I would go back to pull ups for nursery for a bit and then try again.

Thank you tiggyd-I will start calling them by thier name when and if I decide to use them-not met the person yet Seriously though, your answers were really helpful.Thank you. In fact I have found everyones responses very very reassuring. Thank god for Mumsnet.

The SENCO at my nursery is just a regular staff member who has had additional training and takes particular responsibility for these issues. "Getting the SENCO in" sounds dramatic but it probably just means a meeting with the staff member to discuss the issue and try to come up with some new strategies.

The involvement of the SENCO is not saying there's anything wrong with your child, just that there's an issue that might need extra attention. For example my nursery's SENCO has recently been involved with the parents in coming up with strategies to help a child who has been biting a lot, and ensuring all staff are dealing with the child consistently and in a positive way.

It's interesting that you say the nursery nurse who told her off said that it was dirty and not funny. It sounds like she was telling your DD off for laughing about it, not for having the accident in the first place. So either your DD was laughing because she was embarrassed, or she does like the attention.

My DD took ages to train, and I'm sure it was a bit of a power struggle. She quite enjoyed having accidents, particularly if I was telling her off about something naughty she'd done. But we did get there - eventually.

2.9 is not old. TBH, I think they are putting too much pressure on her. If it was me, I'd put her in nappies for a month then try again. You could try routine training, taking her to the toilet every couple of hours at first at set times. We trained DS in a matter of days that way, after 18 months of trying!

Chill 2.9 your dd is still a baby and has only started toilet training a few months ago. She will do this probably in her own time, the fuss that is being made here is not necessary and as others have said your dd probably is relising the attention and could feel quite stressed at all the fuss about it. I heard that it mainly takes children 6 months to a year to be fully trained, ie. to recognise that they need to go, and act upon it independently lie an adult would. A SENCO whatever his/her name is not necessary unless your dd is say approaching school age and is still not toilet trained, even then at school age it is common for little ones to have accidents.

One of my earliest memories is of being at
playschool and needing a wee, i was escorted to the toilet whereby a staff member was in the toilet with me, I just could not perform with her in there, when i came out i wet myself. I was about 3.5. Relax and be less stressed around your dd she will do it they all do in the end. When you get to school, can you tell the difference between a child trained at 18 months and one of 3.5 years, of course not.

Similarly when i was very young and needed a urine test, i could not perform with my mum in the toilet saying 'come on wee' hurry up, made it more stressful.

If your dd does not use the loo at nursery and has an accident it should be dealt with the minimum of fuss, and they should try to encourage your dd to remove her trousers and pants herself or with help if not. If she does ask for the toilet and uses it than it should be rewarded with praise and mabey a token system like star chart. I am using a choccie button for dd as star charts dont work with her. She will get it eventually they all do remember that!

OP we had a similar problem with DS. He is 4.3 and still won't use the loo at nursery - he can be really fussy about loos that are not at home (has been toilet trained since 3).
After lots of problems and wetting at nursery I just left it up to him - If you want to use their loo you can wear pants like at home, if you won't use it - wear a nappy. He chose nappy for nursery for ages, and now chooses to wear pants, but still won't go at nursery (only in for the afternoon and clearly has a cast-iron bladder) obviously I would prefer that he went there, but the seats are black and "split" IYKWIM so he doesn;t like them.
Due to other reasons we had to see a peadeatrician with him, and her advice over the loo thing at nursery was no pressure, let him choose - if he wears nappies for longer at nursry then so be it. She said eventually he'll choose not to - and he has. (school starts in september so I'm anticipating a battle there too!)
We tried taking in a seat that fitted on their loo, but still no...
Is there something about their loos that she doesn't like?
and just to say - it will pass, it will get easier!

There is not a lot they can do, dds teacher at pre school (qualified teacher btw not nursery nurse) told me to chill and relax and that at the end of the day its up to the child, and to send her in nappies despite using the loo at home. She said my fussing was making it worse which i have noticed so i am just leaving off. I am doing that and waiting for dd to decide when she does not want to use nappies at nursery. There is nothing really more they can do than whats been said on here tbh, I am from a psychology background so have some understanding myself.