to think someone should at least have had a quiet word with this parent?

[TheFatOwlOfTheRemove]

I work in a preschool and one of the little boys is autistic (diagnosed, statement being finalised)

he can be quite disruptive sometimes and noisy, although he is an awful lot better than he used to be. He's not aggressive though, or not that I have seen in the 1.5 years he's been at nursery - I don't know how he is at home, I know my children were spookily different at home.

his mum has a fairly new partner, I know nothing about him really except that he's quite recent - not my job to pry into people's personal lives, but we do become aware of people's general circumstances, especially if the child has SN, it's inevitable to some extent

anyway we were sitting in circle time (the little boy was on his 1-2-1 worker's lap and was calm and listening well - when it came to his turn to reply to "how are you today" he looked upset and said "XX (new partner) smacked my bum and it hurt me"

I know there's a good chance I will get chargrilled for this, and I know it's not illegal to smack, etc etc, but is it really OK for a parent's recently acquired partner to smack a 4yo with SN?

I felt really sad about it but didn't feel I could say anything as I am neither his keyworker nor his 1-2-1 worker. Nobody did say anything to his mum though, and I wondered whether somebody ought to have done. AIBU?

thanks wannabe, that's what I thought everyone was going to say

If he didn't have ASD and the partner wasn't very new on the scene I would have found it sad but accepted that there is nothing that could be done

in this child's case he does have ASD - quite severely - and the partner is very new, so it worried me.

I would ask the keyworker or room leader if anything has been done about it. It may not need to be mentioned to the mum at this point, but it should at least be noted down in case there's a pattern that emerges.

Sorry FatOwl, cross posted with you earlier. I understand now. Tricky for you.

To risk being flamed - I do not think smacking is wrong per se (I smack our DS if he has been REALLY naughty, or doing something which is putting his personal safety at risk such as trying to touch the oven etc.)

However, we smack (albeit rarely) with the intention of providing a quick remedy to a potentially dangerous situation, wait for DS to calm down and then discuss the issue with him.

I do however wholehartedly believe that it should be used in moderation, as a last resort and certainly not leave marks.

Subsequently, I understand the OP's point with regards to the partner excercising the authority, but I also think that the smack should aim to hurt for a few seconds to ensure the child attaches cause and effect to the misdemeanor.

I know some people will disagree with my stance though...

I have used smacking for DD1 until several months ago. She has SN.

However, she very often tells her preschool teachers that mummy smacked her - any time she gets hurt in any way, from bumping into me, to being held by the arm, or even guided by a hand on the back is a 'smack'. The preschool teachers, fortunately, know her well, and know me well enough that they can take it with a pinch of salt. Otherwise I might have SS on my doorstep.

I think the childs mother should be made aware of this. She may not know her new partner as well as she thinks, so may be unaware that this has happened as I can't imagine a mother allowing this (I am assuming that there have been no concerns by the preschool prior to this incident). Also, her new partner may know nothing about this childs SN and needs to be taught how to correctly look after him. I don't like the idea of people not saying anything to the mother as she should be given info about her own dc and the chance to deal with her new partner. Also, it might not be true and so the family is being judged without the mother having a chance to say anything

it's also worth considering that many children with ASD do have sensory issues so what is a light tap to you or I feels different to them and vice versa.

OP- I am sure you mean well but to be blunt I really dont think this is the place to get advice. You are trained to deal with situations like this aren't you? Surely you would be far better off talking to your line manager at work than a forum of parents who on the most part are not child care professionals.

"By wannaBe Tue 25-May-10 18:31:37
it's also worth considering that many children with ASD do have sensory issues so what is a light tap to you or I feels different to them and vice versa. "

Yes, wannaBe has put is so much better than I did. DD1 is sensitive to 'light touch', so stroking gently feels like a smack. Quite a problem when DD3 was very little - baby hands are so soft that DD1 always thought she was smacking her.

I think it's the perfect place to get advice and see what a range of other people - most of them parents - think about a new partner smacking a child with SN

to that end I have found the thread very useful

I certainly wouldn't act in any way without following correct procedure though, and would definitely start by talking to the teacher in charge of this child.

Which is why I didn't say anything to the parent when it happened.

I don't understand why lots of you are saying that child protection should be involved. It is not ideal, but not illegal, to smack a child on the bum. A smack on the bum does not constitute abuse. Many people find it distasteful but that is an entirely sparate issue.

A smack alone doesn't constitute abuse - but if a child complains about being smacked, and then there are subsequent incidents where the child has unexplained bruises or their behaviour changes for example, then it's important that everything has been logged so a picture can be built.

you are responsible for all children even if yuor not the key worker.

Speak to 1 2 1 or his key worker or CPO. If they have no concerns it may not go any further but at least you can sleep easy.

You may discover thro chat he is not a new partner just recently moved in??

I would expect my partners to disipline my ds if he needed it altho I don't smack so wouldn't want them to.

I think this needs to be documented, if it happens again at least you will have a record of past incidents.

However it may be a total one off.

Surely your nursey has clearly defined child protection procedures for you to follow?