in nit wanting my MIL to pop in just when the dcs are going to bed?

[naturopath]

Aaaaarrrggghh!!! She just did it again.

Said she would be here at 4.30 - I thoght, fine -she can play with the dcs ( 2 1/2 and 9 months) for half an hour / an hour, then we can wind it up, she'll go and I'll take them up for their baths.

Tbh, even that would have been late, but it was the only time she could come (was with her other grandchildren earlier in the afternoon).

She knows I can have a difficult time putting them to bed if they are excited / somewhere different etc. Even last week she came at bathtime and the whole thing was a complete disaster. ds1 gets too excited / overtired...

So why would she turn at at 6pm this evening?? With presents? Presents that have now kept both dcs awake which is completely out of the ordinary for them. Why not come tomorrow morning? I know she can. Doesn't live far and is not busy.

Also, one pf the presents was a special 'treasure box'. Without asking me she wrapped up some crisps and put it in the box for him and said he could have it by his bed. wtf?? He has been opening and closing his box for 40 mins now, which has also woken up his brother.

AIBU???

See! - and because I have ds2 on my lap now I also can't type! should read in NOT wanting..

I would of turned her away at the door if she had turned up that late, and would of said, "sorry but i am getting them ready for bed, it will have to be another more appropriate time."- close door.

Yes, be strict. My MIL is always running hugely late and turning up at bedtime. I've learnt to put my foot down for the sake of DS's sleep. Dont't feel bad. It might even give her an incentive to pull her finger out and turn up on time.

I don't know whether it's because I've been educated by Mumsnet, or whether despite my old age I still have a modicum of memory and commonsense, but I would have thought it was obvious that not only turning up close to bedtime was stupid enough, but turning up with presents was a recipe for disaster.

Perhaps you could subtly mention "commonsense" and "memory of when her children were babies" and that might help her see sense.

If that won't work, try practicing the heavy sigh approach followed by OTTMummA's and MamaVoo's advice.

I did call her three times from around 5.30 to tell her not to come, but she didn't answer her phone. And I was tempted to whisper from the window to tell her not to come in - but I thought that it would just be too mean. She is generally such a good grandmother and mil I couldn't do it. But still - I am still hurumphing and p-ed off. Just got ds2 to sleep now.

ALso, I said to her as soon as she came in - "only 5 mins as the dcs are just going up for their bath now".. to be fair, she did only stay 5 mins, but that was enough to mess everything up.

Can you ring her up to have a chat tomorrow - or even get dh to do it - or even leave it until the next time she tries to organise to come over to see you and the dcs.

Could you ask her next time to visit your dc first en route to the other gc (OK so she maybe providing childcare/all sorts of reasons why not I know, just hoping it might be an opening gambit) even it if is just for 5 mins as last time when she popped in she was there for 5 mins and it took you well over an hour longer than usual to settle them.

Or if she does do it again and you aren't brave enough to not let her in (don't think I would be!) (and I bet she wasn't answering her phone on purpose - could you have rung the house number rather than her mobile where she was visiting her other gc?) then would you be brave enough to say - right - your turn to put the kids to bed if you insist on winding them up then you need to see the problems you cause and leave her to it run out of the house very quickly

I would get your DH to have a word and say that the DCs won't settle, they get too excited and you like to have their bedtime routine.

Tell her that very late afternoon/evening visits are not convenient. I wouldn't like it either. My DS (2.4) likes his routine and this sort of thing would throw him out. Also, whats with the wrapped up crisps for besides the bed?

OMG I could have written your post.

MIL's favourite time to call round was always bedtime, always bringing presents, generally some really loud musical toy. This was usually on her way home from having spent the whole day with other GC. I was always on my own - DH works late - but I made him speak to her and tell her I was trying really hard on my own to get some kind of bedtime routine for DD1 who was not a good sleeper.

Now she comes round at dinnertime instead which means that on those days DDs have nothing to eat as MIL's visits always involve running around the house rather than sitting a t the table. Still working on this one

YANBU but now will be the worst in the world for upsetting your MIL's routine

I have the MIL from hell... If i were you i would put my foot down and tell her its not on to come round at bathtime/bedtime or to be bringing crisps round just before bed

YADNBU, my mil is the same, she doesn't even call she just turns up randomly.

At xmas she took presents in the baby's cot as the baby was falling asleep, cue baby missing her nap and crying all afternoon.
Fast forward 11 months and she still does this kind of thing, every week it's another story. We have told her a thousand times to call beforehand.
For a while her and sil were calling from outside the door "I'm outside can I come in" (!???)
I don't think she will ever learn but I've had enough and not prepared to compromise dd's routine anymore for her.

I worked very hard on settling dd into a routine so dh could see how easy it can be, then I left him to deal with crying/tired baby a couple of times when mil/sil have come unnanounced and overstimulated the baby so he could understand how much more hassle it was.

When she turned up when the baby was in the bath the other week for the first time dh told her to come another day, he did not let her come up and see her.
She then turned up another day as I was settling dd (11mo) to sleep for a nap and insisted on coming up to see her in the bedroom (with an extra visitor who had tagged along), again dh said no. They left in a huff and did not even stay for coffee.

If yours in a nice mil then I would try and talk to her, she might just need to be told.

My MIL got into the habit of doing this, turning up with no warning in the evening. Now she is ill I just wish she was up to visiting at all.

I used to make a cup of tea and chill whilst she bathed DD and read her a story. I did make her take presents away and visit at a more appropriate time with them. She complied with this - was probably afraid DD would think they were from me if she left them!

this is why i'm happy that my mil never comes to my house, apparently she doesnt want to put us out and she doesnt want me rushing around cleaning on her account as she knows what its like with small children (she has 6 and they are all couple of years apart,she had 3 3 years in a row) so we go and visit her instead

My MIL only comes once a week now, she used to be here every day untill the day she called my then 3 year old DD a dirty slut for having no pants on.. the child had had an accident and was getting changed, needless to say she was promptly removed from my house..

my PIL came around one night just before ds bedtime - i was feeding him and he was going straight to bed then - because FIL hadnt seen him for a few days because he had been off fishing all week and was going off again the next day early.

tough shit i say! if you want to see your grandchild then dont go fishing but dont expect a baby to stay up late to suit your plans!

I would phone her and tell her that although you're happy for her to see the kids you'd like her to keep to arranged times and that turning up at their bedtime with toys is disruptive even though well meant.
You shouldn't be hanging around all evening wondering when she's going to come either.
I'd ask for presents to be restricted to special occasions as well unless she rarely sees them.

My PIL are the best at this, they have this attitude that i am too strict (they admit to wishing they had a routine like us when their kids were little!!?) So i think they are jealous and trying to ruin the routine for us..whoever said they have the mil from hell, no you dont cos i have

So mine turn up complete with their 4 other teenage kids and kids friends. So usually a total of 8 sometimes 9 people coming to my house at 7pm. The joys. I decided to let them in after we tried to say no but they said they were coming in anyway!!! BUT, i carry on and take my girls straight up to bed at 7pm, usually the second they arrive. I dont give a shit! DD1 is too tired to be bothered that they are there and DD2 doesnt have a clue. I can tell they are pissed off about this but i think they are getting the hint, they havent been at bedtime for a while now

Our girls are settled into a good routine and everything runs smoothly for us, thats how we like it. I dont care if the queen comes at 7pm, they are going to bed

Neither my Mum or MIL would have done this, because I am very likely to say "Look! Grandma/Nanny is here! She will be reading your story/giving you your bath and putting you to bed! Isn't that lovely?" And then buggered off to have a cup of tea/glass of wine.

Try that next time, just let her do bedtime and don't let her out the door until they are asleep.