to think this will all end in tears?

[worriedaboutskinnybaby]

My friend (single male, in his early 30's) has been having an affair with a married colleague.

Very early on, said married colleague revealed that she had finished course of IVF previous year that was unsuccessful - but said that she was never that interested in kids, IVF was all her husband's idea/doing. However, when sleeping with my rather naive friend, she said that they didn't need protection because she knew because the IVF hadn't worked that she was infertile.

Fast forward three months and she rings friend to say that she is 'ten days late' and is coming to see him later in the week to discuss things.

Maybe I am just a cynical old cow, but it strikes me that anyone who's been through IVF would surely have tested before being ten days late and/or before mentioning it? I feel she's sounding him out to see how he reacts.. she surely knows? Am I being silly?

He is all willing to go into it kit and caboodle, give up his job here and move to where she is, marry her etc.. he is in love with her. I just can't help but feel that she has, well, used him to get pregnant. I think that he's so head over heels for her that if she had said: 'I want to get pregnant, impregnate me!' he would have done, but this seems dishonest.

Of course, he still needs to be responsible as he could have decided on using protection etc if he didn't want a pregnancy, but I'm concerned for him because I feel that she's not being straight with him at all - what else might she be misrepresenting?

(PS I don't agree very much with extramarital affairs and don't take anyone's side in them, so not excusing either of them from the infidelity side of things).

Oh dear. Yes I'd tend to be a bit cynical too - at 10 days late she can easily test and find out for sure one way or the other. Then have the conversation if she is pg, and be more careful if she isn't.

If I'd be having IVF and was 10 MINUTES late I'd do a test. I'm suspicious too. But he's a grown up and makes his own decisions. There's a tendency to shoot the messenger in these scenarios. I'd broach the subject carefully with him and test his reaction before saying what you really think. Good luck

been not be

i think if it ends in tears it deserves to end in tears! Pair of twats.

Oh dear! All sounds a bit suspicious doesn't it?

However, he's a big boy whose made his own bed (pardon the pun) and so I'd keep well out of it if I were you. Just be there to support him if it all goes horribly wrong. If she turns out to be a manipulative cow, he'll find out soon enough. You never know, they might live happily ever after?

Oh totally! No way will I say one word! It's their business though I am still concerned (but will be concerned privately).

I just wondered had I become a terribly cynical person to even think it..

It does sound a bit dodgy definitely - but just to mention, I had fertility problems and IVF, and also have PCOS, so don't menstruate every month - I didn't always test if I was late, and, in fact, used to wait until I'd missed 2 periods (which was often) - maybe she's experienced something like that? I do agree it sounds a bit fishy, but possibly there are reasons she wouldn't necessarily test immediately?

Fair enough, sterrry...

Are you thinking it's possible that she was lying; i.e. the fertility issues actually lay with her husband, and that she's using your friend, then?

It's hard to know.. I don't know a tremendous amount about IVF but what I do know is that it's a pretty hardcore process and unlikely someone would do it if they weren't interested in becoming pregnant just to keep their partner happy (at least if they were a woman).

I think the fact that she said that no contraception was necessary and yet - three months later is pregnant - is potentially a bit dodgy. But maybe not. There are many stories of people who try for years and are about to give up and suddenly fall on.

Could be dodgy, but I had fertility problems (was due to have IVF when I found out I was already pregnant) and my cycle was anything from 27 days to 40 days. So many times I tested and it came back BFN so when I did get pregnant I didn't do the test until I was 12 days late as I had never been that late before so it finally made me do the test.

On the other hand, the more cynical part of me thinks she was using him to get pregnant. The fertility problems could have been her DH as well. Ours were not just down to my problems.

If she was just using him to get pregnant, why would she be wanting to discuss things with your friend? Wouldn't she go back to live the happy ever after with her DH, leaving friend none the wiser?

If fertility problems were with her DH would they need IVF rather than say IUI? Am completely ignorant about IVF so please tell me if I am spouting bollocks!

IVF is also used for certain male fertility problems

OP, I think your friend has been used as a hapless sperm donor

I would be inclined to agree with AnyFucker because of the fact that she mentioned that contraception wasn't necessary due to her infertility. Three months of (I'm guessing) sporadic sexual encounters leading to pregnancy doesn't suggest that anyone actually told her that she was infertile.

Yes it will end in tears, hopefully though not her poor husbands.
The two of them deserve each other!
Let them get on with it

the husband may be in on it

it's a strange world out there !

Unwitting donor you mean AF? You may be onto something there...

yup

Maybe she used him as a sperm donor. Maybe she genuinely thought she was infertile and what actually happened was that once she stopped worrying about concieving, she concieved (this happens an awful lot). If she's still shagging her H it may even be H's baby.
What it really is, though, is none of the OP's business. Keep your distance and if necessary give a little neutral support to your mate (as in, Oh dear, There There, Fancy a pint?) but don't encourage him to speculate about anyone else's motivations and don't air theories of your own to him.

I think the OP said that she wasn't going to say/do anything.. think it might be more idle gossip online than anything

YABU. agreeing with SGB. You don't know the ins and outs of her fertility and it's unfair and unfriendly to jump to these conclusions.

Presumably she has been sleeping with both your friend and her husband. She won't even know who the father is. What a mess. She may leave her husband for your friend then it will later emerge that the baby was the husband's child ater all.....