Sorry. I am fed up to the back teeth of this word. How do I break the cycle of the DC's doing stuff that gets them pulled up and then the endless round of *********** sorries

[Mittz]

Because it is driving me round the bend. And I want them to know that when they mean it, the word means something but right now it just gets my back up because it is an overused cop out for being thoughtless.

It is, sadly, mostly DS (12) and usually a string of minor stuff that he gets reminded of over and over again, but his brain leaks.

I have tried 'Ignore the negative and praise the positive'... and 'sanctions' of some level but after a short while, he just goes back into forget everything mode and an endless cycle of that bloody word.

I know how you feel. My DD 12 is always saying sorry, it's a habit.
In fact at the end of last term where her form teacher gave out silly certificates, you got one for "the girl who always saying sorry"
I am sure she drives her teachers mad. She will be chatting, get told off, say sorry, then carry on doing it! I haven't noticed her doing it so much lately so hopefully she is realising.

MY DS is the opposite will only say sorry if he really means it, doesn't get the point of apologising if he doesn't mean it, although if he goes away and thinks about it he usually does apologize in the end.

Not sure which is worse

I always tell my DC that they need to act sorry, not say they are sorry. Sometimes I have refused to accept their apologies until they show me by their actions that they really are contrite. Of course, this doesn't always work but I think it has had the effect of making them think about the behaviours that are causing the problems. It helps that I have DCs who want to please

Oh, DD does stopthelights, she is usually gutted to upset me and tries to put it right.

But DS , the list of minor things is petty and endless.. put shoes away/put rubbish in the bin/ take drinks downstairs from bedroom/put clothes in wash basket/

He's like a goldfish.

Mine are the same - I'm like the teacher on Charlie Brown. All they hear when I speak is "Wah wah wah wah"

Don't expect an apology off her; give the choice to apologise back to her IYSWIM- make it clear that you are not interested in fake apologies, and she should only say sorry if she means it.

Whilst this will be difficult in the short term (you will be furious that she hasn't apologised when she's done wrong), in the long term it can help a child realise that simply saying 'sorry' doesn't make it ok, and can introduce her to other reparation strategies. You can support her at first by giving her a task to do to make amends, and gradually she should think of her own way to make things better.

Fake apologies mean nothing, and you cannot force a real apology out of anyone; so give up! That way when she does say sorry, at least she may mean it.

Oh, and ask yourself why you need an apology from her- do you need her to know she's done wrong? Or to acknowledge your feelings? Or to not repeat the same action?

Because there are other ways of getting all those things...

agree. what does 'day sorry' achieve. and worse still saying sorry all the time = meaningless.

you need to get tough Mittz, send him to Shiney's for a week he will come back a different lad

no advice really, can you take stuff away (like games consoles) if he doesnt comply?

so true tethersend. so remind me please, what do you do? especially if the parent is doing it for all those reasons.

Just recognise that getting an apology is about you and not about them, Oblomov- and don't demand one if it's counter-productive.

Banning the word 'sorry' can work- dcs then have to come up with other ways to make amends. You can't make them sorry if they're not, but they can certainly repair any damage (emotionally or physically!) that they have done.

I don't ask for sorry (it's DS not DD) from him. It just pops out. I want the actions to stop. Or start where he is 'forgetting' to do stuff.

I have 'talked' to him about what I want, and he agrees, sees my point. Then turns around and it is gone.

To be fair, he is like me, I am skitty and forgetful, put things in the wrong places, forget stuff, my mind is swirling too much but I am lucky that I am errmm.. grown up/ adult 40 and can cover my tracks. So it is the actions I need a new way of dealing with. He sadly goes through life like a mini tornado causing minor havoc on a regular basis.

He had massive emotional issues which we have made monumental progress with that but this just makes life trying. I'll hold him gently, make eye contact and say 'we need to remember 'x' and 'y' OK?' and I can see in his eyes he really wants to please... ( he is lovely in so many ways and we are close) and then will do exactly the opposite of what I want .

I get this too altho my ds is only 5, but the minute he's naughty he just says sorry mummy, sorry. He doesn't mean it and I have explained to him becausehe says sorry, it doesn't make it ok. Like you say I try to get him to understand what he's done and why he should be sorry. It's hard as he's little but the 'sorry' drivesme mad too. Xxx

Ds(3) has started saying "no I'm not sorry" which initaly made me cross and his sister (6) upset. Thinking about it if he was just being honest and he isn't sorry then maybe I can't be cross with him for not saying it and I need to discuss what he was doing wrong rather than just always resorting to 'sorry', in order to just forget about the incident.

I've had a bit of success with an idea from a book 'Seven Habits of Successful Teenagers'.

Son's catch phrase has always been 'why do these things keep happening to me.' He's never linked what he does with what happens. It also means he is susceptible to getting down. He was also lying alot - silly lies, but constant ones.

The book suggested the personal bank account idea - good stuff you do, pays you back. It adds to your confidence, makes you feel better about stuff, and puts you in control.

So in my son's case, brushing his teeth (!), helping his sisters, getting his homework done is going to make a difference to his day.

Things like telling lies, trying to dodge something, beating himself over stuff are deductions from his account.

Its helps him take responsibility and therefore control. He had a bad day yesterday, but then made a conscious decision to change it after lunch. And it worked.

He's not too old for a sticker or stamp chart with rewards/sanctions.

List all of the behaviours you expect from him, and then at the end of the day go through it with him putting a stamp/sticker/tick on that day. There are lots of cheap charts like this available - they don't have to be massive wall charts, just something you can fit in the drawer or put in a folder.

You could give each a different weighting and then, at the end of the week, use it to calculate his pocket money (or similar) e.g. if there are 10 expectations, so 70 possible ticks a week, set his standard pocket money to 60/70 any less would result in a diminished amount (say 20p a mark) and any over that paid as a bonus amount.

Have you tried:

'part of saying sorry means you will make an effort never to let this happen again - do you feel that you can do that?'

It might work - perhaps if asked every time he says sorry he might get irritated enough for it to get through

I am sort of working on the credit debit idea... I like that.

I sort of feel sad for him because stuff just goes wrong around him. I honestly don't think he is vindictive mostly, or deliberate in his behaviour. His brain doesn't make certain connections.
I asked him to put rubbish in the bin, but the one in the kitchen wasn't there (it's just a bag on a hook as we don't have much space, but he does know where the spare bags are kept).
There was another bin nearby, but he stood looking at the wrapper in a confused manner for a moment and then folded it up and pushed it in the gap between the washing machine and the work surface.
He lost one sun cream yesterday, has smashed the top to another one, lost a phone recently, ripped trousers, comes in late, I ask him to put plates in the kitchen, he says yes, smiles, gets up and wanders off.

I try that aword, and he really really does want to get it right, he is generally totally gutted if I reach a point where I am upset, and gets angry with himself, feels he is bad. He understands the concepts but putting things into action eludes him.

He will sit on the toilet shredding toilet paper. And walk away. He asked if he could have a candle in the bathroom. I agreed, we talked about how he should be around candles. But then he poured the melted wax into the bath water and then it dried on the bottom of the bath when the water had gone, and a big 'gloop' stuck the tea light holder in the plug hole.

He says he is OK at school because he works hard at fitting in because he doesn't want to be laughed at.

Sorry.. a bit waffly there..

He does sound very much like my son who is also twelve. DS has turned a corner - but the move to secondary school has taken alot out of him and seems to have exposed his weaknesses.

Try the Seven habits book. We've only got as far as chapter three, but its been good.

It stresses the importance of good habits, and if you can cultivate them, life is sooo much easier.

If you are one of life's creative thinkers - as me and son like to think we are - habits are even more important, because by doing the mundane stuff on automatic pilot, you get time to think etc.

Doesn't help with candles in the bath. That's just too random.

Random is my DS's middle name Lol...

Will look out for the book, cheers

Oh no TSC, you are not alone.

It is sad that DD is more 'amenable' and therefore it makes for an easier relationship. DS sees this and it makes him worse. With DD, negative feelings make her want to 'toe the line' whereas with DS well.. the phrase 'fucking nightmare' has passed through my head with him. I have to calm him down, whatever he has done wrong, in order to deal with him.
And when he is in a good mood it is like living with a hyper toddler. Better than it was though.

I have learnt a lot about not letting it affect my mood too much TSC, but it does involve lots of counting/teeth gritting/breathing etc.