More of a WWYD...

[gettingabitnervousnow]

Sorry this is more of a WWYD rather than AIBU but I would like to get as wide range of opinions as possible.

At the moment we (DP, DD and I)live about 5 mins from my mum. Me and mum are extre,ely close and we all see a lot of her. She has DD a lot for me when I am at work - I realise how lucky I am and am very grateful and try to show her this whenever possible.

For some time now my mum has mentioned about us all living together - she says it half jokingly but I know deep down she would love it to become a reality.

I have never taken much notice before but since having DD I have started to think about it more seriously. There are just so many advantages:

1. Together we can all afford somewhere much nicer than either of us can do apart.
2. We can afford a better area in terms of schools etc
3. Most importantly I think it would be a lovely environment for DD to grow up in. Mum and DD adore each other and I know mum would love to see her everyday. I love the idea ofa big family home and genuienly think 3 generations living togther is going to become more and more common given house prices etc.

I know there are bound to be teething difficulties but we have all sat down and talked about it and agreed that we will set some ground rules before it happens. We have also agreed that we need to be quite specific about the property lay out (ie seperate reception rooms, own bathrooms etc). I should also add that DP gets on great with my mum and is very much behind the idea.

So, give me a reality check - am I mad and missing the obvious issues this could cause? Would any of you buy a place with your parents?

Oooh, sounds lovely and I am very jealous! Good luck to you all!

My mum moved in with us a couple of months ago. It's a bit of a different situation though. We already owned a house which was big enough to give her bedroom, living room and bathroom to herself. She has rented out her old house to provide an income. We are used to having someone live with us, we've had dh's brother and wife live with us for a couple of years and more recently we've had au pairs. From our point of view, we have the ultimate in childcare, a Nan who keeps an eye on the kids after school. From Mum's side she doesn't have to pay rent or bills and we provide food (I cook most evenings and we all eat together), so she has no financial worries. We get on ok, Mum likes 'being needed' and I am very grateful for the help. It's only been a couple of months but so far it's working very well and everyone (including my very tolerant dh) is happy.

No i wouldnt mainly because i feel judged by my mother somdays. Plus DH gets on with her mainly for my sake and our kids but he wouldnt wanna live with her.

I thin this is a lovely idea, if you are lucky enough to have a good enough relationship.

My mother's mother lived with us after her husband died from when I was 5-15. She had her own bedroom and sitting room but shared the rest of the house.

I never thought this was in any way unusual, but looking back it clearly wasn't the norm!

She actually died at home, having been nursed through lung-cancer by my mother. While that might seem rather upsetting it was actually really good to have seen first-hand how someone can have a very peaceful and dignified dath at home, surrounded by family.

As far as I remember the pros were

1. she had a TV in her siting room!
2. we never had a strange baby sitter
3. there was another adult around when my father was working late
4. my parents had more 'them time' than they otherwise might have with 3 kids.
5. We lived in a much bigger house than my parents could have afforded alone.

The major problem was that she was a heavy smoker, which probably annoyed my father. Still, they knew that before they all moved in together. She and my mother did clash about a few things, but on the whole they were close.

I would say go for it, but if you can get a house with an annexe it might be the best balance!

Wow, you're very brave to be thinking about it, but you need to do lots of talking and iron out all the 'What ifs?'

It's not the sort of thing many people would want but if you (and really importantly your DH) are totally happy with it, then maybe it would work.

Remember also that although your mum and your dd may adore eachother now, that dd will grow into a surly teenager. It's a big commitment to agree to all live harmoniously together when you will all change and grow over the coming years.

I don't live exactly with my parents, but we live next door with a gate through the back garden.

It wasn't planned that way - we wanted to move to the village and it was the only house that came up. I had lots of long, long talks with DH over it beforehand. He was actually keener than me - I was more worried about privacy.

Good points have been -

-It has been fantastic for the girls. They go in a lot and see their grandparents and have an amazingly close relationship as a result.

• I like being able to go and say hi to mum for just 5 minutes if I am busy without having to make a special effort. Sometimes we sit and chat for half an hour, sometimes I just pop in.

-I have a lot of support and could leave the kids in the house alone from fairly young because mum or dad only have to pop in and check now and then - and if theres a problem they are there.

• we have had lots of lovely moments over the years - it's easy to talk about and enjoy the little things. Makes me sound very shallow but I will admire mum's washing or she can admire the blossom on my clematis. Whereas if I phoned her up from 10 miles away to admire my patio chairs she'd think I was not quite all there!

Downsides are -

I think we argue a bit more than when we weren't living so close.

Sometimes it feels like an invasion of my privacy and like I'm being treated like I'm 10 again, especially by my dad. For instance, he will say, "when are you going to mow your lawn/ you haven't washed your car this week/ your dog was barking yesterday evening" etc etc. I can get a bit cross!

I can see as my parents get older that the burden of caring/ responsibility is going to land heavier on me. Not that I mind in one way - I love my parents. But there are times when, say, my dad is going off somewhere for the day and he will come in to make sure I will be looking after mum. I do sometimes think, I have a life too....

Sex. Especially in the day. Is a problem. If we lock the back door they know what we're doing. If they just walk in they'll certainly know what we're doing. Plus the houses join each other . And you certainly don't want to hear your parents at it, either!

But in balance, I'd do it again.

I think you've thought it out really well. The whole separate living spaces makes good sense.

If you are so close to your mum that both you and your DH would consider this then I say go for it because you don't know how long you have left. My mum passed just 3 weeks ago and I know that if DW and I could have afforded an arrangement like you are describing we'd have both gone for it... well except that God bless my dad it wouldn't have worked with him as he and I would have been at odds all the time. We get on great for about 4 hours at a time, that's it.

My Brother actually does live in this arrangement already with his in-laws' (they couldn't afford their mortgage and rented the house instead and moved into his in-law's) and it works fantastically for them as they have the same interests (sport and drinking in the case of my brother and his FiL) etc and give each other the space they need at times but often are all in together. His MiL gave up her job to be full time childcare (getting all the associated payments) for their son and as you say once my DN is in bed they can go out if they want without any guilt as they'd be home anyway (unless previously planned).

It works for them, it could for you.

You need a house with a granny annexe and a lockable door. You need rules on when your DD can see Garnny and not.

Have a trial run first, we viewed a house with an annexe with MIL just to test the water if you like, she would have had her own bathroom, kitchen, sitting room and bedroom, all bigger than her current flat but liked the look of the sunny front room and suggested as I'd be out all day at work she'd probably spend her days in there .
I don't work, have small DC's and as she'd started taking the piss before we'd even had a 2nd viewing the idea was nipped in the bud there and then.
Good luck what ever you decide !

My nan and grandad brought me up and I think my nan would have us living with her if she could. While I get a bit frustrated at her commenting on certain parenting things, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Can't say DH would like the idea and I wouldn't consider it with anyone else but if your DH is on board and the 'rules' are firmly set with your seperate areas like you said, I think its a great idea.