To be fed up with my mother.

[Mowgli1970]

She feeds the kids crap, tells me I'm a cruel mother only slightly tongue in cheek(when I said no to chocolate after they'd had Sunday lunch, two massive pieces of chocolate gateaux and sweets), ignores anything I ask her to do/not do (eg don't let them spend 4 hours on the trot on the PS2, please say no to the 4th biscuit). I made my son eat a bit of veg, he was being overly dramatic, making pained faces, she said "serves you right if he's sick on you!"
Then to top it off, dh, ds and I are in the car to go home (boiling!) waiting for dd who's putting her shoes on. 5 minutes pass so I go back in to find her watching the tv. My mother smirks "she doesnt' want to go home"!!!!!!! I ended up shouting at dd to get the car and stormed off, thoroughly pissed off. AIBU to expect an iota of support?

Sit down with her on her own and say that it is n't pleasent to visit as she is deliberatly going against your wishes and to you seems to be making things difficult. Ask if you can try to get along and sing from the same hyme sheet for the dc sake otherwise you don't knwo what to do and may feel that you could well fall out - which I guess you don't want

Stop going to visit her

I don't want to stop visiting, but it's getting increasingly difficult to spend time with her. She has a chip on her shoulder about how easy life is for me and that I always land on my feet (I don't, anything I have is through determination and hard work). I think it's her way of being in control. It just makes me very sad.

My counsel for what its worth is the following:-

Limit your visits totally to your Mother, meet her only on neutral ground and do not let her undermine your joint parenting further than she already has. These are your children and thus you have the final say.

This is all about power and control. My guess is that you and she had a difficult relationship in your younger years as well.

You did not mention your Dad at all, is he present when all this with the children is going on?.

You would not let a friend treat you in such a manner so why should she be any different?.
Your DH and you need to adopt a unified approach to her.

My Dad died 10 years ago. We've had a close relationship, although she finds it nigh on impossible to give emotional support (any problem I had she'd respond with "there are people far worse off than you"). She'd do anything for us of a practical nature, but as I've got older, our views are diametrically opposed. Just have to limit time spent with her and try and bite my tongue

Oooh she sounds like such a bitch. You don't want her undrmining you to your children. Just tell her firmly that if she pulls a stunt like that ever again you'll not visit for a couple of months.

Adults need to back each other up so the children don't get confused about their boundaries.

She's actually being more cruel to them than she is to you by making them distrust and doubt their mum. Maybe you should point that out, as she obv. thinks she's just getting at you.

How about finding out about how life was for her when she was bringing you up? You may find that there is alot of hidden feelings which might explain why she is like this with your children.

My mum had a really difficult time bringing up myself and brothers and it wasnt until I had kids that I really understood why she acts like she does.
Dont shout,listen.You were her little girl once.

She was on her own a lot bringing us 3 up. My Dad was always playing sports or at the rugby club. I know it comes from a need to be needed; she feels if she says no, her grandchildren won't want to spend time with her. Consequently there are no boundaries. I'd be ok with that IF she acknowledged my views/opinions were valid and didn't belittle them. She very smugly tells me that dd said she wanted to live with Nanny. I was very hurt, but laughed it off. Just feel overwhelming sadness at the moment.

I think that you have to feel sorry for her-she obviously doesn't feel lovable in her own right. See her without DCs and have a heart to heart conversation-if you can't manage it, try writing a letter.

You could be writing about my mum, OP. She never backs me up with decisions I make about eating crap ("no sweetheart, mummy said no" grrrrrrr) she brings DS a huuuuuuge cake each time she visits which is always around 3pm so he wants it then, before dinner time, then she'll step back and leave me to deal with the tantrum. When she babysits (not often) she will not adhere to his routine and lets him sleep in her bed instead of his own (then she complains when he wakes her up)

It's a nightmare. If I broach the subject she does this face that says "i'll just nod, but you're talking shite."

You have my sympathies, OP.

Eh? I personally will be glad if my daughters have an easy life, and I sincerely do hope they always land on their feet.

Your mum's relationship with you is one thing, but whether or not you are able to improve matters there, it is definitely reasonable to say to her: "Look mum, it is putting me off from bringing the children to see you because you don't back us up e.g. X, Y, Z. Can you please try to support our disciplinary methods in future or we will be coming less often."

I did ask her to stop giving them so many biscuits (after they went to the dentist for a filling )she said "You can say no in your house!" I think it's maybe a generation thing when stuffing kids' faces with crap was considered a good thing as you had a "good eater"! Hey ho.

How often do you visit?

MIL does this sort of thing, but as we only see them once every 6 weeks or so, after 10+ years practice I now bite my lip as hard as I can

We usually visit every couple of weeks. She loves her gc, but just seems to delight in opposing my views/wishes.

I can understand her behaviour is infuriating, but it doesn't sound like she's fundamentally a nasty person so I think you do need to have a conversation with her, but probably not go in all guns blazing if you can.

ruckyrunt's advice is sound - a conversation along the lines of "I'm finding it increasingly difficult to visit with the kids because you seen to take delight in doing the opposite to what I ask" is in order. You don't want to make it a big threat but ultimately you do have the power to stop her seeing her gc so hopefully she'll see that she doesn't want it to get that far.

Sounds a bit like my mum - though she's worse I think. Sunnydelight's idea of broaching in the subject in an adult and assertive way is a good idea.

Would never work for me though! My mother would just take immediate offence, tell me I am talking rubbish and/or psychobabble (that's her latest word) and strop off. She'd say I always overcomplicate things and don't erally want her to visit blah blah blah.

Sorry I am hijacking your thread......Can you tell I'm angry!

If you have a reasonable relationship generally with her, then just tackle it. I know it's difficult.

Sounds like my mum - she told me I was cruel for putting my baby to bed at 7pm .

I sat and had an adult conversation with her, explained that she was upsetting me, that I know she doesn't mean to, blah blah blah. She was 'good' for two days.

We now limit our visits, and if I don't feel like I want to listen to her yapping on down the phone I turn the house phones off . Some people are just impossible.

LOL Angela - I turn the phone off too! It's just avoidance but she has just worn me down and yes I have accepted she is impossible and have given up trying to change her! I just 'manage' her in the best way possible.

Mums seem to get more like this as they age. Unfortunately any sort of chat will cause a row. Just have to ignore it and seeth, but make sure the kids know your rules are the only rules.

Something to do with controlling/mothering her child (you) and spoiling her grandkids.

i put my foot down with my mother 2 weeks ago and of course now its all MY fault, what if something happens to her, we need to talk , emotional blackmails galore. of course this is after i tried to talk to her and she refuses to even try to see my point of view. this has happened so many times before and i always give in and things dont change so this time i am determined to be very determined ( hard as 40+4 and hormonal). my experience of this similar situation is that i wish i had been firm from the beginning as it would have avoided 15 years of 'putting up' with behaviour i hated. be strong and be firm, maybe we should start a mother angst support group lol. oh my mum now texts my 15yr old dd to try to get her on side and that upsets dd too. aaaaggghhhh

I was lucky with my mum she would not feed the dcs crap. My mum would come to our house daily, and even when we were down her house she would not give into them.

Sadly she passed away last march, but i would give anything to have her back, even if it meant giving the dcs crap.

Bite your lip hard, one day she wont be there.

tots2ten I'm sorry for your loss. My pil are both dead and I'd do things differently if they were still here. You have a valid point.

tots2ten.