to hate eating with my family

[burgergirl]

I can't stand it: 11 year old really fussy, and has dirty black ( and I mean black) fingernails), 9 year old can't hold a knife and fork properly, she always drops food on herself and all over the table and doesn't see a problem with farting. I told her off yesterday and it all ended in tears. My husband puts everything between 2 bits of bread, adds butter where he can and generally makes his food into a mush while chomping and making loads of heavy breathing sounds. AAArggh. I've just had to come in and get away. It's driving me crazy. On the other hand it's my husband who has cooked all the bbq tonight and is lovely with kids but keeps offering them more burgers. AIBU??

"nails"

How can someone not know if people can choose to fart? Farting is usually a voluntary act for an older child with a working anal sphincter (the voluntary muscle that you relax when you choose to poo). In the same way you choose when to poo you choose when to fart. If you've eaten loads of gassy stuff or have an upset stomach then it may be a bit involuntary and in older people the anal tone isn't as good so older people can have difficulty keeping farts in.
9 and 11 year olds should be fine though. Kids get sent to rewash hands if not clean the first time.

Take control. Children aren't born knowing the social rules, it's up to you (both of you!) to teach them. So be firm. Send them away to clean their hands, hell, have a hand inspection if you have to!

Re your husband, tell him that eating like a pig is deeply unattractive!

Keep the bread in the freezer and take it out as needed slice by slice, so lots of bread isn't available at the dinner table!

Teach everyone to eat more slowly. Eating too fast causes sloppyness and mess. It's the shoveling it in like someone is going to come and take it away from you that does it! A good tip is to put down your knife and fork between mouthfuls. This also stops you overeating because you aren't eating so fast and your stomach gets the signal to your brain that it's full, before you are stuffed!

Re the farting, unless she has a medical condition then she bloody well CAN help it! Send her out of the room every time she does it! "Go to the toilet and come back when you have finished breaking wind." Get her to go to the toilet when she feels the need to break wind, instead of doing it at the table. It's not nice when you are trying to eat to have to cope with that particular smell!

At the end of the day, how the children behave is down to you, good or bad it's how you've shaped them. And you can change it. (and that 'you' is both you and your husband btw, although if he is setting a bad example it makes it harder. You need to tell him how revolting his table manners are.)

agree, sort your kids out rather than post on here.

Try rewards instead of punishment.Give 11 yo a manicure set and nailbrush-check nails before meals sticker[yes at 11]if spotless-5 stickers and gets to choose meal that evening.Same with farting-an 'excuse me' and leave the room to fart gets sticker.Your dh is another problem-shouldnt think he'd appreciate stickers!!

I come from a family who only ate at the table together at Christmas and farted at will- inexplicably, we are all able to control flatulence in public and are very well mannered when the occasion calls for it. Moreover, we were/are still an incredibly close family. I think the value placed on eating around the table together is disproportionate; it would have felt very forced and strange to sit around a table eating together every night.

My point is, do what is right for your family, OP- every family has its own set of norms and values which can be abhorrent to the next. It doesn't mean that they necessarily replicate that behaviour in any given social situation.

Separate the issue of your DD using a knife and fork and your 11 yr old's nails, and tackle them individually. Farting is up to you. I find the idea of making one's child go into the corridor of their own home to let one go bizarre, but for the poster who does it, it's completely normal, and we are both right.

I think you need to work out how important to you as a family eating together really is- and work from there. if it is of the utmost importance, then you have a lot of work to do; if not, then work on the things that mean a lot to you.

If your DD has a problem with farting, she and you ought to be trying to solve it with a better diet.

2rebecca and tethersend - I think we're talking at cross-purposes. Choosing not to fart is one thing. But the implication earlier in the thread seemed to be she was farting on purpose. There's a difference between knowing you need to fart and leaving the room, and summoning up a fart at will!

However, I suspect the problem is the DD is embarrassed enough about her flatulence, and if she is farting repeatedly, is unwilling to repeatedly leave the room, underlining her problem.

I agree with Bonsoir that a better diet is the way forward.

sorry, agree with everyone else. if you haven't taught your children good table manners then you only have yourself to blame

i know htere isn't a huge amount you can do about the husband, but I would ask him nicely if he would help present a united front and teach the children to eat nicely (ie, by doing it himself as well)

The DCs you can fix.

but DH is more of a problem. Has he always done this? Does he do it when you eat out? Does he do it to everything he ever eats? Have you ever said anything to him about it?
It's bizarre.

Totally YABU, get a grip and sort it out FFS!

My 4 and 5 yo's (and my DH!) have been able to sit and eat properly at family meals since the off, as soon as they could understand, and as for the farting, well possibly it is medical, but a 9yo should be able to exercise some restraint!!

Is this a wind up? Seriously?!

in answer to original question no not BU, I sympathise with OP.

I also hate eating with my family. It is a CONSTANT stream of requests to behave properly including DH who cannot be bothered to use a knife and when he does he licks it. No farting or dirty nails thank goodness but loads of other really really annoying habits involving ketchup squirting, bottom shuffling, reaching across the table, pretending to be unable to cut up food... it goes on and on. Excellent weight control method though, never get the chance to eat anything.

YABU
They are a product of how you have raised them

why on earth do you eat with your children? Surely they should have their tea in the nursery and the adults should have dinner after the children have gone to bed?

excessive farting can be a sign of, among other things, dairy intolerance. So,if there is so much farting you are posting about it on here, your kid needs to see a Dr

unless she just thinks its funny, in which case you need warnings and consequences, carried through consistently by both you and DH