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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross with my parents

25 replies

LLKH · 22/05/2010 15:04

I'm about 10 weeks pregnant and my fiance, now husband, and I went to the States to visit my family. The instant we told my parents I was pregnant and that we were really pleased and excited about it, they looked at me speculatively and the first thing they said was not "Congratulations!" but "Oh. Then this would be a really good time for you to lose some weight!"

If they'd actually said something nice about the pregnancy first, then I wouldn't mind so much, but they never said "Congratulations!" or anything like it at all.

DH and I were both hurt by this. We thought if anyone could tell us if we were BU it would be here. (He likes to read over my shoulder as he thinks all of you tend to have very sensible attitudes.

OP posts:
MintyMoo · 22/05/2010 15:07

YANBU - I'd have been annoyed too. Only one thing to say to a pregnancy announcement IMO and it's 'congratulations'!

traceybath · 22/05/2010 15:08

Slightly odd reaction.

But are they worried about your weight and the implications it could have during your pregnancy? Or are they just odd?

Congratulations anyway.

SeaTrek · 22/05/2010 15:09

YANBU

How strange! A good time to lose weight?

Goblinchild · 22/05/2010 15:11

Have they always been like this?
I think it's unreasonable, even if they are concerned about your weight it was definitely the wrong time to mention anything
(For all I know you are a delectable 38-25-38, it's weird what some consider plump)
The one thing you can do is think of all the things your parents did and didn't do that upset you and make a mental note not to repeat their mistakes with your child/ren.
You will make new, different mistakes.
Congratulations on the baby!

JaneS · 22/05/2010 15:13

I would be furious if I were you! They were presumably a bit shocked. Does your husband know them well? Maybe he, or a sibling, could ring your parents and say something about how you are very excited about this baby and would love to share that excitement with them.

I am a bit that, given you are married, it seems to have come as such a shock to them though.

MadamDeathstare · 22/05/2010 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pikelit · 22/05/2010 15:26

What an odd reaction! No wonder you are disappointed. Even if you are very overweight, the correct reaction is to offer wholehearted congratulations all round and only later, if appropriate, bring up the losing weight issue. Although, tbh what you weigh isn't actually their business!

Original poster
LLKH · 22/05/2010 16:38

I'm curvy, yes, especially now (I wonder why that might be) but in no way blobby. In fact, DH seems to be finding me especially attractive at the moment which is nice.

My parents, I think, want me to look like my 5'8" sister who never eats anything. I enjoy DH's cooking (and my own) far too much to imitate that.

MadamDeathstare, given that my parents both have doctorates, I would have hoped that logic might not be alien to them. Apparently my hopes were unfounded.

OP posts:
fluffles · 22/05/2010 16:43

YANBU unless you are morbidly obese and may have pregnancy weight-related problems.

MadamDeathstare · 22/05/2010 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 22/05/2010 17:10

Thoughtless, and insensitive, IMO. Is this typical of them?

BoldChislers · 22/05/2010 17:22

UNLESS your weight is going to make you susceptible to pre-eclampsia (eg) then that was a cruel way to react to good news.

Firawla · 22/05/2010 17:26

I think its a very hurtful reaction and yanbu @ all to be cross. How thoughtless, the obvious reaction should be a congrats, if they wish to mention weight (although not their place really anyway?) then leave it til later an appropriate time, not as they did it was totally inappropriate.

TottWriter · 22/05/2010 18:24

YANBU.

Personally , I think I'd be relieved that it's them who will be the long-distance grandparents if this is how they react to things. My mother was equally unhelpful and unenthusiastic, both times i told her I was pregnant. I guess some people just don't understand manners etc. all that well.

(My mum immediately printed out a whole ream of nutritional advice when I told her. You know, all the stuff the midwife tells you anyway. I don't think at any point she said 'congratulations', so I know how you feel.)

TotalChaos · 22/05/2010 18:36

yanbu. v. discourteous.

greenbananas · 22/05/2010 18:44

Definitely yanbu! Such a pointlessly tactless and hurtful reaction - and in any case, the only person who can tell you to lose weight during pregnancy is your doctor / midwife. Congratulations on your pregnancy!!

chipmonkey · 22/05/2010 19:35

Oh dear, what is wrong with them! They sound rude and insensitive, are they always like that?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 23/05/2010 10:50

Yes, it was the wrong thing to do. It would have been far better to congratulate you.

However, if you are very very fat and your weight is going to be a problem, then I can understand their concern, however it was the wrong time and wrong way to mention it. They took all the joy out of the moment and it was very cruel and thoughtless of them.

HobbitMama · 23/05/2010 11:14

Congratulations! December babies rock! defintely yanbu - I had a similar reaction from my own mother when I told her I was pg with no. 4 (also at 10 weeks this week!)
I am technically obese, but my m/w says it's because I'm so short, and that actually I'm not that fat! But my (step)mother will NOT shut up about my weight!
When I had to go a scan after I'd been bleeding a bit a few weeks ago, the first thing that came out of her mouth was a comment about my weight - and for the first time, I bit back, saying I never commented on how old she looked, or whether she needed to use a new anti-aging cream, and it shut her right up!
Sometimes, people need to have it brought to their attention that personal comments like that can be thoughtless, inappropriate and downright rude, and parallel comments would not be considered acceptable.
Not to mention, medically unsound!!! Seriously!

differentnameforthis · 23/05/2010 13:00

Firstly, congratulations!

Secondly...I assume you & your dh are happy with how you look? That's all that matters.

Many many people will have something to say about pregnancy & being a parent. The main thing to remember is that no one else matters except you, your baby & your dh!

Good Luck & learn to turn off when the 'advice' being given is not what you need to hear!

differentnameforthis · 23/05/2010 13:02

Firawla, weight doesn't make you susceptible to pre-eclampsia!

differentnameforthis · 23/05/2010 13:03

Sorry, that was for BoldChislers, not Firawla

MagalyZz · 23/05/2010 17:04

There is a greatly increased risk of gestational diabetes when the mother is overweight, and with GD comes an increased risk of pre-eclampsia.

But pregnancy is not a time to lose weight.

LoveBeing33 · 23/05/2010 17:15

I would suggest they were planning on saying that anyway and that they'd been discussing it, otherwise I think one kv them would have said congrats.

Ps congrats!

Original poster
LLKH · 24/05/2010 08:45

Thanks all. DH and I are v. pleased and definitely agree that it's a good thing they're the long distance grandparents. Fortunately, FIL is v. pleased and instantly went round telling all his friends so we're not short on congratulations.

OP posts:
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