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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husbands family wedding

17 replies

femalevictormeldrew · 21/05/2010 13:33

Need some unbiased opinions please. Hubby suffers very badly with a condition that leaves him in quite a bit of pain, it flares up very often and without warning, and so far doctors have not been able to stop it. So his brother is getting married in July. They live abroad. We had intended to go (have room booked) but now he won't go for fear that it flares up while we are away. He would have to do quite a bit of driving so this can be one of the causes, and we would be away from his own doctor and him almost unable to walk for several days.

(sorry it is going on a bit, bear with me if you can)!

So MIL rings yesterday and asks me would I fly over with her, bring the two kids. I fractured my spine a few years ago (I am just realising how we sound as a couple and am unable to lift youngest DD (she is 5 months) very often, I do it at home from buggy to car seat to cot when hubby is not here, but if we are out and about hubby does the carrying and lifting. I told her I wouldn't go and explained the reasons (which she knows) and anyway I would not be happy to go without husband. Shes after ringing and telling me she is very disappointed in me for not going. This has annoyed me quite a bit and there hasn't been any mention of her disappointment in hubby. She told me there would be no lifting and carrying of DD (she must forget what a 5 month old is like) and if there was she would do it (she is 70 years old). She is quite capable of travelling on her own as she is just back from holiday so that is not a factor in it.

I am feeling very guilty, while hubby is not batting an eyelid, nor does he care who is annoyed, even though they are his family, not mine. They probably think I am an ackward old hag now. Honestly, AIBU? Should I go for familys sake?

OP posts:
weblette · 21/05/2010 13:43

In a word, no. YANBU.

Go with your DH's take on this, there's absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You physically cannot manage to make the trip - and what would a 5 month old get out of it anyway?

If she carries on with the guilt trips, get your husband to deal with her.

muddleduck · 21/05/2010 13:44

When she says she is disappointed, just say "yes i am really disappointed too that it is not possible for us to come. We were really looking forward to it."

You shouldn't feel guilty about something that is out of your control. You want to go, but it is just not possible for you to go. End of story.

BAFE · 21/05/2010 13:46

YANBU - if your husband doesn't care then I don't see why you should feel guilty.

On the other hand, am totally shocked that someone with a fractured spine would add to their family

azazello · 21/05/2010 13:47

YANBU. What Muddleduck said.

CMOTdibbler · 21/05/2010 13:49

YANBU - if you can't lift, flying with a baby would be v v difficult.

Do the scratched record with your MIL 'Sorry, but as I said, I just can't go', and leave it at that.

Get your DH to talk to his brother and explain, and if he is happy, tis nothing more to do with your MIL - although I'm sure she was looking forward to showing off her beautiful grandchildren to the family, it's not her wedding

withorwithoutyou · 21/05/2010 13:51

Why shouldn't someone with a fractured spine have a baby?

Who else shouldn't have a baby? People in wheelchairs? Blind people?

CMOTdibbler · 21/05/2010 13:51

BAFE - what do you mean by that ?

BAFE · 21/05/2010 13:54

I just thought having a baby would damage an already stressed spine. You know, all that extra weight and pressure on the back and contractions, etc etc. Plus, not being able to lift. I wouldn't do that to my body and am just really surprised that someone else would that's all.

scurryfunge · 21/05/2010 13:57

BAFE what a comment!

BAFE · 21/05/2010 13:59

For goodness sake I just worded it wrong that's all. [embarrassed] - can we go back to the OP now, or if you like, you can all have a go at me coz I said something the wrong way.

scurryfunge · 21/05/2010 14:02

FVM, don't feel terrible about not going, it is totally your choice...why put yourself through it if it will cause you discomfort?

Trips like that are stressful enough.Send them a nice gift instead and say sorry you couldn't make it.

Mingg · 21/05/2010 14:04

YANBU - I would not go either if I was you.

BusyMissIzzy · 21/05/2010 14:05

What BAFE clearly meant to say is that she is impressed that someone with a previously fractured spine was able to go through pregnancy and childbirth. Right?

And OP, YANBU.

BAFE · 21/05/2010 14:08

thank you busymissizzy

sunshiney · 21/05/2010 14:10

YANBU for not going.

YABU for making me twitch with your "hubby this...hubby that" business

MadamDeathstare · 21/05/2010 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife · 21/05/2010 14:36

if you really want to go, then it is clear you would need a full time nanny/chauffeur while you out there. otherwise, you cannot go.

if your husband isnt going, why should you? is his brother...

what happens at home when your H's condition flares up and he can't do the carrying and lifting?

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