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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or over sensitive about ds friends mother

17 replies

ben10isgr8 · 20/05/2010 13:29

DS started nursery along with a boy a few doors away and they are good friends (for now ) they play in each others gardens, visit the park etc and through their friendship we have spent time with the parents. We haven't progressed beyond sitting chatting...no coffee/ parent child groups etc but we seem to get along well enough

This week is walk to school week and every day I get dd in the buggy and walk ds the 30 mins to school (we drive home). Our neighbour is also walking and I would have liked/expected to walk together. We had spoken about walking...both of us were planning to do it.

On Monday Ds went to play at the neighbours house, came back for lunch then I saw them passing the window while we were getting shoes etc on....they didn't stop/chap the door and when they saw us walking behind them (football field length away) they kept walking without slowing. Same when I was walking home.

On Tuesday the neighbours son spent the morning at our house and we talked about what time we would be leaving...did not say lets walk together... but I assumed (wrongly) that as we both stated we would leave at the same time, we would go together. I left the house at the agreed time but they were not there. DS knocked the door, no answer. We were now late and had to rush which wasn't helped by ds falling and scraping his arm and knee (witnessed by a teacher driving back to school after lunch ) When we arrived at school the mum was already on the way home. I said hi..i'm late and carried on in. I caught up with her on the way home..again she didn't slow down/stop so I walked passed and said I wanted to get home quickly and carried on (very childish )

Today they passed the window but I didn't bother trying to catch up, we just took our time and had fun looking at cows, blossom etc. I caught up with her on the way home and stayed far enough behind so we wouldn't meet. When I got home she stopped to chat!

I am shy IRL and struggle to "chat" so really push myself to be friendly (not OTT stalker type) just normal stuff kids, mortgages, decorating etc. I have good friends so don't need to force myself on her for friendship. I just assumed (yes that is a bad thing to do!) that it is polite/friendly/neighbourly to have chapped the door on the way past or waited a couple of mins/slowed down so the boys could walk together.

I am finding this behaviour a bit odd...or am I the odd one? Am I reading too much into this and need to get a life?

OP posts:

lazarusb · 20/05/2010 14:43

No, I have a friend who did the same thing. She is odd..

dustycups · 20/05/2010 14:48

i agree, she is odd!

cakeywakey · 20/05/2010 14:50

It does seem a bit odd, but it's probably nothing personal. She is sending out mixed messages though.

Maybe she's worried that by walking together this week she might be getting herself into a routine with you that she then won't be able to break out of?

I always enjoy meeting up with my Mum friends, but don't want to create regular routines with them as I like to do things as and when, rather than on set times and days.

fearnelinen · 20/05/2010 14:51

YANBU, but maybe stop thinking about it so much? It's DSs friendship, not yours.

azazello · 20/05/2010 14:53

YANBU. she sounds a bit odd but try to stop thinking about it.

HarderToKidnap · 20/05/2010 14:55

Never mind that, I want to know how you walk 30 min to the nursery and then drive home. Do you have a chauffeur who drives slowly behind you, ready to bring you home?

Sonnet · 20/05/2010 14:57

Maybe she is shy too and dosn't want to assme ...

fearnelinen · 20/05/2010 14:59

Are you David Cameron...do you walk places to be all green but have someone driving behind with your bags?!!! I'm jealous!

Chandon · 20/05/2010 15:05

Oh , I would never wait the length of a football field.

I would wave but then motion that we have to keep going as already late (I usually am).

I don´t walk to playgroup with my neighbour, as often her DS brings a scooter and scoots off in any direction, delaying teh process enormously.

For me, walking to playgroup is a job to be done, I try to do it as quickly as possible.

I am also always in a hurry as late.

I also don´t like walking together as one person always ends up waiting for the other, I like to wash and go!

Now wonder if my neighbour thinks I am unfriendly....

Original poster

ben10isgr8 · 20/05/2010 16:33

Thanks for the replies. As I said I am not looking to be HER friend as such...I am happy enough for a hello, nice weather chat.

It is a problem with mixed signals. On one hand she offers to take DS to school/watch him if I am ever stuck, invites him to play and talks about sleepovers...all friendly neighbour type things. She offered to walk ds to school this week but it seems that when I intended to go she didn't want to hang about. She is friendly and chatty when we are together at home and that can be an hour or more while kids are playing nearby. She doesn't need to stay when he is here but also appears keen to chat so I am assuming (again!) that I am not overly offensive to be near

This is my first time walking to school but we have all enjoyed it so might keep it up..not always though! She walks some, drives others so it would be unlikely to create a routine unless we both pushed for it iyswim.

I don't intend to spend my life thinking about it...I will drop it, honest. I wwas just curious if anyone else thought it was a bit odd!

HarderToKidnap PMSL at a chauffeur. I drive when I collect ds from school. I wish I had someone to pick me up though because the hill on the way home is a killer

OP posts:

radstar · 20/05/2010 20:52

Maybe she just likes that time chatting with her dc, like it's their "special time" to catch up on stuff.

QSnondomicile · 20/05/2010 20:56

we just took our time and had fun looking at cows, blossom etc

That is probably what SHE does!

She might see it as quality time with her child. Think nothing of it!

brightyoungthing · 20/05/2010 21:41

Sounds like my neighbour who I really like and get on with well.

Our DD's play together after school nearly every day, tea at each others houses, we borrow sugar etc from each other and pick each others kids up if asked to do so.

Sometimes she knocks on the door in nice weather to see if they could walk with us (I don't drive, she does) and sometimes I knock on her for a lift if running late.

All seems very friendly, so why oh why does she drive past us, come rain or shine, on a regular basis on way to school??
Then another day she'll stop and offer a lift?

I thought that maybe she doesn't want to start a routine up of me depending on her for a lift every day ?

I'm sure your DS friends mum is a little shy as well, and maybe feels she wouldn't know what to say to you if she waited for you to catch up one day?

Don't take it personally

OrganicHairbrush · 21/05/2010 09:02

It sounds as though she feels as awkward as you do, and that some days, for whatever reason, she mightn't want your company.

I'd suggest you persevere very gently, simply to know that you're always there...

MrsSaxon · 22/05/2010 09:05

I confess I really like walking to school with DD on our own, really lovely time to chat. If we bump into anyone on the way we walk up with them, but I am kinda happy when we don't bump into anyone.

poppymouse · 22/05/2010 09:29

I was thinking what OrganicHairbrush said. Maybe she is shy and unsure whether you will think she is being pushy if she chaps your door and what have you and she finds it easier to keep herself to herself. Maybe she's had bad experiences getting friendly with people who turn out to be loonies and prefers to stick to people she knows well already. Numerous threads about clingy loonies refer. Not that you are one, just that she doesn't know and doesn't want to find out.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 22/05/2010 14:41

yes, I'm pretty sure it's nothing to do with you

Maybe she wants time alone with her DC
Maybe she fears being locked into a routine
Maybe her DC is a nightmare on long walks and she's embarrassed
Maybe she suffers from depression and feels very bad in the mornings (it happens)

When you are shy yourself it's easy to feel that everyone else is absolutely fine and therefore their behaviour must somehow be a message to/about you. But it isn't necessarily.

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