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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to let a clearly exhausted 4 yr old have a nap?

75 replies

Greythorne · 20/05/2010 07:41

Yesterday, i babysat for my DD1's best friends, twins aged 4 whilst their parents went to a funeral. The funeral was a long way away, so we had the twins all day, from 9am - 9pm, which was fine.

Thing is, one of the twins fell asleep in the afternoon, quite literally; one minute she as playing on a tricycle, the next she had half fallen off, head in hands and was asleep. I took her off the trike and lay her on the sofa, poppped a blanket over her and she slept for a while. I guessed she must have been exhausted, with a death in the family, perhaps their normal routine has understandably been thrown out of kilter and being without her parents on short notice for a whole day was probably taking its toll. So I let her sleep.

In the evening, when the father came to collect, I gave him a quick synopsis of their day, what they had eaten, what they had done, and mentioned that X had had a little sleep.

He looked at me askance and said "what? for how long?" in a very narky way.

I explained the circumstances (ie that she was asleep on a trike and that there was not much for it but let her have a snooze.

But he was obviously narked and started going on about how she would not sleep that night and how long exactly had she slept etc.

AIBU to think if you are caring for a child who is obviously exhausted, it is ok to let them sleep? Or should I (shakes head in disbelief) woken her up and tried to keep her awake?

Durely the first rule of ad hoc babysitters is that they do the best they can (food, sleep, telly etc) but that the rules put in place by parents can be suspended, because the babysitter (not a childminder, just a friend doing a favour) is not the parent?

OP posts:

menopausemad · 20/05/2010 08:59

You were totally right to let child nap but to my shame I can remember talking to my husband like that. And... I would sometimes make himlook after child inafternoon with instructions to keep said child awake at any cost because I was too tired to do it! Add in the stress of a funeral and I reckon I would have been snappy with anyone who let son nap when I was desperate to make him sleep that night.

Let it go if you can.

StealthPolarBear · 20/05/2010 09:01

oh definitel QS, I don't even get angry with nursery, afyter all as the op says it sometimes is impossible / cruel to stop him napping,. just saying i can completely understand his frustration. he was wrong to let it show, definitely

slushy06 · 20/05/2010 09:08

Ds4 If he has a nap he can be up till 12 however if my ds falls asleep I would rather be up till 12 with him than him be bad all day. So YANBU for letting him sleep.

The father definitely should not have been arsey with you. But my sil used to get annoyed because her MIL who looked after her ds full time for her to work used to let him sleep if he needed it. However I think it was wrong because she was unable to stop her ds from sleeping if he went too. Although would cut him some slack due to the stressful day.

FoghornLeghorn · 20/05/2010 09:17

YANBU - my DD2 is a bugger for napping and kcocking out her bedtime routine but what can you do - it happens !

T'was very nice of you to look after them

SongBiird · 20/05/2010 09:25

YANBU to let the child sleep, there was nothing you could have done and it wouldn't have been fair on the child.

However,

A funeral isn't exactly a joyous occasion. Anything could have happened on the day and he might have found it really stressful and upsetting. I don't think it was on him having a go at you, but maybe you could cut him some slack. He might even come and apologise to you about it.

If you feel that strongly about it though, if they ever ask you again, just say, "I wouldn't feel comfortable to be honest, last time you had a go at me and made me feel rubbish for letting her have a nap, which was something I really couldn't control!"

strawberrie · 20/05/2010 09:25

I think the 'rules' of looking after someone else's LOs in a one-off situation like that is that you keep them out of mortal peril and reasonably fed and watered. It wasn't your job to follow their normal routine to the letter and as you say, having had a bereavement in the family has quite probably knocked a few things out of kilter.

Given the dad had likely had a stressful and v tiring day I would have tried v hard to bite my lip, and wouldn't make an issue of it now. I might have felt differently had the parents been off on some kind of jolly.

You are a good friend BTW!

QSnondomicile · 20/05/2010 09:28

Well, that depends largely on whose funeral it was. A very close relative, or great aunt Marge's cousin Jimmy.

Still, you dont have a go. You smile and say "thanks for letting me know, we really appreciate what you have done for us here today".

warthog · 20/05/2010 09:33

well yanbu

BUT

dd1 used to be AWFUL at night and if she slept in the day it was really dreadful. so i totally see where he's coming from.

PLUS he's just been to a funeral.

i feel sorry for him, i really do.

what i would have done was let her sleep for 10 mins, then wake her up and give her an ice lolly or some such.

you did him a favour yes, but i bet he had a dreadful night when he least needed it.

Fayrazzled · 20/05/2010 09:36

I think the dad in question was ungrateful, and I think you're right: when babysitting for someone as a favour, especially when that extends to all day and evening, your job is to keep them safe, fed and as happy as you can. It's not up to you to slavishly follow the parent's own routine, which I presume you didn't even know. In your shoes, I would have let the little girl nap too.

I have had a similar situation with a friend, and TBH, her tone etc when she spoke to me afterwards about it upset me so much, I didn't have her child to stay again- so she lost out.

Oblomov · 20/05/2010 09:37

I don't think he was a prick. Not a nice way to talk to Op, but when you add it altogether, understandable. not excuseable, but ...
'don't ever babysit for them again' ????
come on. this is all OTT.

Casserole · 20/05/2010 09:54

I don't think you were unreasonable to let her have a sleep.

I do think you were unreasonable to start a thread about it though. They'd had a LONG day - 12 hours - of funeral service, funeral aftermath and 2 long journeys. He was probably knackered physically and emotionally and just not thinking straight.

I think you were a lovely friend to look after them for the day, and I do get how you're feeling, but I think you need to cut him a bit of slack for how he was in the evening.

QSnondomicile · 20/05/2010 10:18

(Caserolle, I dont think anybody is unreasonable to start a thread, unless they are trolling. Why would the op not vent and get some opinions? Who are we to judge what people feel the need to discuss? People can post about what they want. I think it is more unreasonable to post on a thread, if you find that the thread should not even been posted. iyswim)

AliGrylls · 20/05/2010 10:31

YANBU -trying to keep a tired child awake is a recipe for disaster is it not? If a child is genuinely tired they get so irritable if you make them stay awake.

NoahAndTheWhale · 20/05/2010 10:38

I think that YANBU but that I could imagine that after a day at a funeral (and whoever it was for, it is unlikely to have been a joyous affair) that it is likely the DH's nerves were a bit frazzled and so it could well have been the last straw to have discovered child had had a nap.

The people calling him a prick are being a little thoughtless I think.

I wonder how the child did sleep?

SeasideLil · 20/05/2010 11:07

Even if I had been to a funeral, I would have been so incredibly grateful someone would have taken my twins for 12 hours at short notice, that really anything that happened during that time would have been fine. When people look after your children as a one-off, emergency thing, you can't criticise them later. Ok, he was tired and stressed and the best thing is to let it go, but of course their routine is going to be out, that's what happens when you have funerals and emergency care. It would put me off doing it again.

And I'm amazed at everyone trying to get their children to stay awake in nursery. So what if they go to bed a bit later, across the entire continent, children have naps in the day and stay up late. Some people actually prefer it as they have some time with their children the evening as a family, especially if the parents are often working late. I accept it's not for everyone, but people in the UK are too focused about dropping naps and having children in bed by 6/7 (god, I was bored in bed every night with the light streaming through the curtains for those hours before I fell asleep). My four and a half year old still falls asleep at 4/5 pm after preschool some days, if she's that sleepy, I just let her nap and then she stays up late (9/10pm). My friend from Easstern Europe used to nap at school aged 6! Surely a one-off nap in the day is really not something to get in a state about.

minibmw2010 · 20/05/2010 11:13

It does make me wonder why the child was exhausted - is it because they are bad sleepers generally or because the parents try to force them to stay awake during the day so that they sleep well at night?

SirBoobAlot · 20/05/2010 11:14

Yes, he over reacted, and no, you were not unreasonable, but seriously - the poor chap had been at a funeral all day, with a long journey either side, and was probably hoping for a decent nights sleep to overcome the day and get to grips with everything. After DPs Dads funeral a few weeks ago I would have quite happily sold DS when he woke up for the second time; I had had an emotional day, and just wanted to sleep.

Give the poor guy a break, don't mention it. If he holds it against you, then he's an arse, but given the circumstances, I think you should cut him a bit of slack.

Morloth · 20/05/2010 11:15

Bloody hell if someone babysits for me and when I pick them up the kids are alive and well I am gushingly grateful!

pigletmania · 20/05/2010 11:17

Stealth it was only for one night on a rare occasion not every night. LIke others have pointed out the op did these people a favour for looking after their child for so long, they should be grateful. Probably if it had not been for the op they would not been able to attend. With that attitude I certainly would not be offering again.

pigletmania · 20/05/2010 11:19

Thats ok stealth sorry just read more, I am dreadful at night and much prefer my sleep to getting up in the night for dd (3.2). She has only just started sleeping the night now after dropping her naps and i feel human again. I am like a Jeckle and Hyde character at night

MrsGravy · 20/05/2010 11:26

I agree with those who say cut him some slack. Of course you weren't unreasonable to let her sleep and he should have just buttoned his lip and showered you with gratitude. But he'd not been off playing golf all day, he'd been at a funeral and obviously had a long and tiring day so it seems a bit harsh to decide he's a 'prick' and that you should never babysit again as some posters have suggested!!

I agree with your rules re: ad-hoc babysitting by the way, I just think the circumstances here are a little different.

Casserole · 20/05/2010 11:30

QS - my personal opinion, which is allowed on a forum just as much as the OP's, is that if this person is a good enough friend that you'd look after their twin children for a 12 hour day, then they are probably a good enough friend that you would cut them some slack after a long, draining and emotional day, and that instead of doing that, coming on here to about them on the internet IS an unreasonable thing to do.

But clearly in your world only OPs are allowed opinions of what is and isn't unreasonable.

skidoodly · 20/05/2010 12:34

There is no way I would expect to be cut any slack at all if I acted the way the man in this post did.

No amount of upset at the long day and the funeral excuses, even remotely, treating someone who is doing you a massive, massive favour as though they are your staff.

If I ever had the barefaced cheek to grouse at someone who had looked after my twins for 12 hours (that's a pretty long day too) I would be utterly, utterly ashamed of myself and I would ring up the following day and apologise unreservedly.

This man isn't a friend of the OP's. He is the father of her daughter's friends.

It is not even close to being an overreaction to refuse to babysit for someone who thinks they get to tell you off for not doing it the way they want it done. If that's what you need, you pay for it.

VoulezVouzCrochezAvecJACK · 20/05/2010 12:50

what ski said.
Yes, he probably had a shitty horrible day but he had been done a massive favour.
I had to go to a funerla with 2 under 3's and had to take them on the 4 hour journey there and back along with entertaining them whiel they were there. I would have kissed the feet of anyone who could have taken them for the day.

QSnondomicile · 20/05/2010 13:23

Casserole, your response is absurd. I dont see how you can infer anything about "my world" from my response to you, neither the assumption that only the op has a valid opinion. You are hallucinating conclusions out of my post.

It is not unreasonalbe to gain perspective about your friend, your mum, your colleague, on a forum. And it does not make you any less of a good friend, daughter, colleague, rather the opposite, as you may get insight into the best approach for handling a situation. Most of us do this all the time. That is what a forum is for. Otherwise, we would all be discussing puschairs and cars!

If you disagree with MY personal opinion, that is a different matter entirely, and you can say so without attacking "my world".

Being upset at how the husband of her friend treated her does not make her less of a friend at all. Only one that wants perspective on what to think about the situation.

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