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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

am i being unreasonable with my attitude towards the MIL

24 replies

igglepiggles · 18/05/2010 23:42

hav a new baby 6weeks (aww so cute ) and MIL has seen her twice!! i ve always just tolerated her (literally just about)as she used to come over at least twice a week,and ignore me in my own home!!! but anyways, since LO was born she staying away. i know you'll all tell me to ask her wat her problem is but i ve done that and she started calling me a bitch! and being totally honest i was very polite, i didnt raise my voice and i was trying to come to an agreement of them coming over.
we came to an agreement (many phone calls later) that they were to come over (by now baby was 4weeks old) to see her for 2nd time. when she came she ignored me totally, and after 45mins of being ignored i walked up to her took DD out of her arms and asked her to leave, she had the cheek to ask why so the reason i gave is, we are a family and you either accept us as a family or not at all. and that i will NOT be ignored in my own home. bye bye.

we havent heard of her since, but did i do the right thing or hav i just made it worse? and will it eventually come between me and DH??

OP posts:

mumblechum · 18/05/2010 23:47

Huh? Maybe she was concentrating on the baby? She should of course have made an effort to chat to you as well but I think you over reacted massively.

scurryfunge · 18/05/2010 23:48

What is the back ground to this? Why should she ignore you?

Original poster

igglepiggles · 18/05/2010 23:56

well thats wat i dont get! she was never interested in the pregnancy she didnt even send us a card when dd was born (not that a card is important) but she just hates me for her son away i think! she wouldnt have a photo with dd and wasnt really fussed on havin a hold of her.

OP posts:

LostArtofKeepingASecret · 18/05/2010 23:57

What does your DH think?

Don't take this the wrong way, but you've just had a baby and you may be feeling a bit sensitive at the moment. Could it be that she was just wrapped up with the baby and lost track of time?

What is you're relationship with MIL usually like? If it any consolation my MIL has ignored me for 20 years!

Original poster

igglepiggles · 18/05/2010 23:57

sorry should say TAKING HER SON AWAY

OP posts:

Original poster

igglepiggles · 18/05/2010 23:59

she has never liked me, well put it this way, i may be a little sensitive freely admit that but when she asked to come see dd first time she said i cant coz im going to bingo! so she had peed me off right from then!!

OP posts:

Original poster

igglepiggles · 19/05/2010 00:01

anyways im off to bed now before i really start ranting!!! (well more than i already have!) sorry and goodnight guys! xx

OP posts:

LittleMissHissyFit · 19/05/2010 00:04

where is your dh in all this? Shouldn't he be sorting this out?

LostArtofKeepingASecret · 19/05/2010 00:07

My MIL isn't a baby person. I've never seen a person look so bored holding a newborn.

She didn't bother to come and see DS at all (not for about 6 months) as she was told he looked just like DD, so there wasn't much point, was there?

If she's been funny with you, leave her to it. You have better thing to do than worry about her moods. I'm sure she'll come round.

LostArtofKeepingASecret · 19/05/2010 00:09

What I ment to say is that, p'haps your MIL is a bit underwelmed by babies too?

gerontius · 19/05/2010 00:11

Maybe she thought she'd give you some peace with a newborn? Maybe she's not a baby person?
And i think you were being completely unreasonable taking your baby out of her arms and asking her to leave. You can't complain that she hasn't come round and then when she does demand that she leave!

Chandra · 19/05/2010 00:11

I'm sorry, I think you were, just a bit...

gerontius · 19/05/2010 00:14

Sorry, to be clear, YABU. Totally.

gumblossom · 19/05/2010 01:20

Iggle, what does your DH think? I actually think you weren't BU. Is this your first baby? (Congratulations BTW)I would have thought the MIL would be so pleased and would love to see the baby. To me it is weird behaviour, and why did she ignore you?Does she hold a grudge because of the previous phonecall?

I am wondering how your DH reacted when you asked her to leave, did he agree? I think when you are fresh from childbirth, and having a newborn is an emotional rollercoaster, it is important to have someone(DH) stand up for you - he should be the one negotiating with your parents in law. Do you have a FIL? How is he with you?

In the end, you need to be comfortable with what you have done, and if it is important to maintain a relationship with your MIL you might need to talk it out.

Good Luck. I do sympathise as I have PIL who behave strangely.FIL has seen my 21 month old a total of about 4 times! My view is that he is missing out.

strandedatsea · 19/05/2010 01:31

It sounds like there was a bad relationship between you and your MIL before the baby came and this has tainted what has happened since.

If I were you I would leave her for a while and then, when you are feeling up to it, politely ask her round. Let her hold the baby, make polite chit chat, see if she can help out in any way.

As someone who has never had a MIL (both DH's parents are dead) it is hard for me to imagine what the relationship must be like. But grandparents can be, and should be, so important in a baby's life it would be a shame to spoil this from the beginning.

Be the big person. Rise above it. Hopefully you two will be able to build back a relationship with the baby at its centre.

campion · 19/05/2010 01:39

Your DH needs to sort this out but I suspect he's ducking out to stay in his mother's good books. As gumblossom says, he needs to stand up for you and realise ( hope he already does) that you and DD are his priority and that the landscape's changed ( to coin a cliche).

You can't be ignored in your own home - it's totally unreasonable.

thumbwitch · 19/05/2010 01:51

As others have said, this is definitely something your DH should deal with. It's unreasonable of him to allow his mother to treat his wife with such disrespect.

How does he feel about the situation as it stands?

RebeccaRarebit · 19/05/2010 02:15

Sounds like you enjoy winding your MIL up.

MadamDeathstare · 19/05/2010 02:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TakeLovingChances · 19/05/2010 16:04

I can understand how you feel, so you're not really being unreasonable.

However, I think you need to focus on your lovely DD and DH and not dwell too much on what your MIL thinks/doesn't think. Your DD and DH are the most important people right now.

I have something similar with my PIL (my DS is 12 weeks old), so I get where you're coming from.

Congrats on your little baby

saslou · 19/05/2010 16:32

I would not tolerate being ignored in my own home and would have done exactly as you did, so no, YANBU.

deburca · 19/05/2010 19:30

I dont think you are being unreasonable to be honest. I had the same with my other half's dad of all people! normally its the mother you have the grief with. 'Coming over to your house, ignoring you and then wondering why are you annoyed is a bit rich! you were right to kick her out, I wish I had have stood up to other halfs dad years ago. I waited and tried to keep the peace but ended up saying exactly what I thought one night when he just pushed me too far!

his family can be a bit interfering all round to be honest - I told him once during an argument that I will never marry him - it would be like marrying into the Manson family

tillywee · 19/05/2010 19:38

No..not unreasonable, you don't have to put up with being called a bitch and being ignored in your own home.

If she can't handle you and her son having a new family then tell her to feck off out of it. She can't own her son....and in the end she will lose out and be a lonely old woman.

Pikelit · 19/05/2010 20:04

You are very young and your MIL seems equally immature. I think that both of you should take a step backwards and remember that babies don't deserve to be used as weapons in personal disputes. Of course your MIL was wrong to ignore you but you were in your own house and should not have allowed her the luxury to spend 45 without speaking. Taking the child from her arms and throwing her out is the stuff of Victorian melodrama, not sensible adult behaviour. But what does your DH say about things? Is he happy that his child grow up without harmonious access to her grandmother?

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