To half-hope DH gets a full-time rather than part-time job

[Weta]

I'm sure I am a bit, but can't get my head round what would be best for us as a family.

We moved a year ago for me to take up a well-paid job with great conditions, including huge flexibility for part-time work after the first year. I've worked full-time for that year while DH has looked after the kids, but he is now looking for a job.

I am desperate to have more time with the kids, so once he gets a job I will reduce my hours. He earns much less than I do, so his income will essentially make up what I lose, plus a little bit extra.

If he works full-time I can do 60% and juggle that with the kids. If he works half-time (mornings) I can do 75-80% and still have 3 afternoons a week off to have more time with the kids (school is 2 full days and 3 half days).

So this should be a win-win situation, but I have misgivings about him working part-time as we seem to have a few tensions at the moment about how to deal with DS1, which always arise at the weekends and I fear it would be the same in the afternoons with both of us home. Also I somehow enjoy looking after the kids more on my own, whereas if he's there I feel I could be doing my own stuff instead and resent the time he spends 'hanging out' while I interact with the kids. Ideally I'd prefer him to work 3 days so we each have our own days for looking after the kids, but this may well not be an option.

I feel really mean, as I know he would prefer to work part-time, and it would really make hardly any difference financially, so it seems awful to want him to work more than he needs to. I'm hoping the tensions with DS1 will improve once DH gets a job as I think they're exacerbated by him being a SAHD. The other advantages of him working part-time are that it would be better for my work for me to do 75-80% than 60%, and it would make it much easier to cover the school holidays and organise after-school activities etc.

Any thoughts? and I do apologise for posting such petty worries when some people are facing difficult financial situations.

You work full time and want to spend more time with the kids. Perhaps he doesn't want to work full time because he wants to spend time with the kids? It would be selfish of you to deny him and them this just because you want your time with them on your own.

YABVU and controlling.

Do you not see him as being an equal parent? Or yourself as being an equal wage earner?

It strikes me that a lot of the tension you describe may be due to the fact that he is pretty pissed off with feeling that he was good enough to be a sperm donor, good enough to be a wage earner, but not quite up to looking after his children.

bit shocked at teh other responses!
I wouldn't want dh home all week either

If you are experiencing tension over raising your children, surely it is better to spend more time as a family and work through it, rather than have parenting 'shifts'?

And if you both have time off in the week, then can't you each have the luxury of a few child-free hours each to go to the gym/see friends/go to the cinema etc, so you each get 'sole parent' time but lots of family time too?

Weta - you have my every sympathy. I can quite understand that you are desperate to have more time with your small children!

I think that maybe you should talk to your DH and tell him that, and ask him to look for a full-time job for the next year while you do 75-80% (which is the right thing for your breadwinning long-term career). And then you should use the extra money to buy as much domestic help as possible, so that all your free time can be spent with your DCs.

I also think that your DH needs to think hard about his long-term career. Your DCs won't be small forever and being a SAHD or part-time WOHD is a much less viable proposition that being a SAHM or part-time WOHM, for the simple fact that it is socially much less agreeable.

Completely agree with both of Bonsoir's posts...

But why should her DH work full time while she works less than full time?

They made a decision about their work/home life. She works, he parents.

If this was the other way round "we decided that he would work and I would be SAHM, I love it but he wants me to go back to work, I feel like he is pulling the rug out from under my feet. I love spending time with my children but he doesn't want me at home full time" I can only imagine the response!

Maybe you can sort some sort of both working part time situation, where you can both see the children. But Anna is right, you should get some sort of domestic help if you can find a way to afford it - give you both as much time with the children as possible.

I don't see any evidence of a joint decision of the sort "she works, he parents". And, even if there had been one, Weta is perfectly entitled to feel the desire to make adjustments.

noblegiraffe actually his reason for wanting to work part-time is not to see the kids, but to have time to general life stuff (banking, getting car fixed, hobbies, etc).

violethill I guess this is why I posted - I am feeling a desire to be controlling, but really don't want to be (and I would never tell him which way to jump if he has a choice). I do see him as an equal parent, and before we moved I worked from home and he worked 3 days a week and looked after our baby the other days. The tensions are complicated, but it's more him criticising my parenting than the other way round. He thinks I am too soft on DS1, who is a very emotional 6yo, while I think he is too harsh. We come from different countries with quite different approaches to parenting, which doesn't help. I think he and DS1 have diametrically opposite personalities/temperaments, which is why I think it is exacerbated by them spending too much time together. But I also think our current weekends are more tense because our current situation doesn't really suit any of us.

compo thanks, I'm glad you understand!

wonderingwondering Yes I think you may be right about working through it, and actually maybe there would be less tension if we were all happier with our situation (ie if I had more time with the kids and he had less and was able to work part-time).

thesecondcoming I would never tell him I didn't want him hanging round - I posted because I feel guilty for thinking it.

Bonsoir Actually it would make virtually no difference to us financially whether he works ft or pt, since I would reduce my hours more if he works ft as I don't want to put the children in additional childcare. The 60% v 75% doesn't make any difference to my career, it's more that I think the 75% would be a better balance in terms of being able to do certain types of work and training - but wouldn't matter if I did it for a few years. I think for him working part-time is ok too (in terms of career/what is socially acceptable), and he can easily go back to full-time at some point in the future. He has had two careers in the past, and the jobs he is looking at now are his less preferred option, but he hopes that in the future there will be some opportunities in the other career (as a teacher, so that's full time but not such long hours).

Pfft But our decision was to do this for a year so that I could take this job, and that after that I would work pt and he would look for a job (either ft or pt) - I have always worked pt from home before, and he has done a variety (ft work, ft study, pt work). As I said above, his reasons for part time aren't to do with the children. But I think we should look at it as a luxury to be able to both work part-time, and I'm sure there will be fewer tensions once we both have a better balance between work and home.

Weta - I don't know whether it is intentional, but your DH comes across as super-spoilt!

Bonsoir Oh dear, no, I didn't mean to portray him like that! Do you mean he sounds spoilt because of wanting to work part-time so he can do other stuff rather than the kids? I don't mean he doesn't want to spend time with them - it's more that his job is shop hours, so it does make it hard to get all the other stuff done around it. He would also include the kids' needs (doctor's appointments, of which DS1 has a lot, speech therapy, after-school activities, grocery shopping, etc) in the 'other stuff' he wants to do. The hobbies aren't in the daytime, but when he worked in France he didn't get home till 8pm, which would stop him doing them if he worked those hours every day. He has also made a big sacrifice for us to move here - changing to a new country with a crap climate where we knew no one, giving up his job, doing the SAHD bit for a year, etc, so I think he feels entitled to get something out of it too in terms of the kind of work-life balance he wants (and I think that's fair enough, as long as I can also get the right work-life balance - which I can as soon as he gets a job, whether pt or ft). It does seem ridiculous for him to work ft when working pt would give us both what we want (leaving aside the tensions I mentioned) with virtually the same level of total income. The jobs he's applied for say pt or ft, and he is quite prepared to work ft if that's all he can find.

Well, I hope for your sake that he isn't being spoilt and childish, but to be very honest it doesn't sound as if he wants to pull his weight in your family, either now or in the long term. Though maybe you like it like that? All couples work differently!

Bonsoir But what is it that makes you think he doesn't want to pull his weight?

He has always done his fair share of the childcare and housework (plus a lot of the running round stuff, like shopping and taking kids to appointments and activities) and is prepared to do whatever it takes to get a job, but has expressed a preference for part-time work since it wouldn't make any difference financially. He has also supported me to get this job, including many hours helping me prepare for exams and interviews and looking after the kids (one still a baby) on his own when I went away to do them, and now being a SAHD (because of my desire not to have too much childcare) even though that wouldn't have been his first choice.

Well, in what part of your joint life is he outperforming you? He seems to be quite happy to earn less and work less while doing half the housework and childcare and criticising your parenting... I would not be able to put up with that!

YANB in the slightest bit U. Life works much better if one parent does parenting donkey-work and the other goes to out to work full-time (and that normally means if the male partner goes out to work). It's far easier to be sole parent for most of the time, then enjoy the family time when it happens. Parenting is hard enough without another person (albeit a beloved partner) hanging around and giving off 'you're doing it wrong' vibes.

Of course she is entitled to make adjustments, I agree with that. I missed the bit about them doing it for year (oops).

If that was the agreement then that's fair enough - but you clearly need to reach a compromise. But that's all about choice, it might not come down to that - you need money to live on, someone needs to work. If he is not a SAHD at heart and it's not to do with being with the kids, then he needs to start looking for work.

Family needs above his own, when there are bills to pay and children to feed.

Bonsoir I don't see it as a competition in which we need to outperform each other. We've both played different roles and done different shares of it at different times, depending on our job situations. At the moment he obviously does far more in terms of childcare and looking after the house (and cooking) than I do. If we both work part-time but he does a bit less than me, he will still be doing more of the childcare and house stuff. He is happy to work full-time if that's all he can find; he would be even happier to work part-time and do more of the childcare so that I can work 75% rather than 60%. He may earn less than me (now) but again it's not a competition, and he's happy to facilitate me earning more by doing more of the childcare. I may have been a bit harsh to say he 'criticises my parenting' - he doesn't generally, but this is one sensitive area of conflict between us that we are trying to work through.

Betty I think for us the ideal would be a split where we each have full days at home or at work, but if that's not feasible then we'll have to go with whatever works out.

Pfft We'll reach a compromise no problem, it's just I felt guilty for half-hoping he would only find FT work when he would prefer PT and it would make sense in lots of ways (especially as it makes no difference financially). He is looking for work, and has said on his application that he is happy to work full-time or part-time (the two jobs he has applied for so far both say they can be either FT or PT). But my work is very flexible, so I can work FT or reduce my hours according to his, and our finances will essentially remain the same.