I have a 1.5y DD and a 4yo DS. DD didn't sleep through until 16mo passing the baton on to DS who has intermittent nightmares. Add illnesses into the mix and I haven't seen a 6 straight hours sleep for 2 years.
January last year I found some emails from a woman at work to my partner. There was a clear intention on her part to make a pass at him. For his part his replies seemed gullible but not with any overt green light. I read them as back then we had open email accounts and was looking for his dad's flight details. I didn't do anything (shocked, firstly, that either of us were remotely fanciable to the outside world being as we had a 6mo and 3yo). I did make silly oblique references like I do know you know.
I asked a friend who works there if she knew of a woman called X. She blanched - then I did - and asked what I needed to know. She said it was common knowledge this woman was infatuated with him and she had picked up a photo of DS and DD on their father's desk said Aw they're sweet but I love him so what can I do? (to which one of her friends had replied don't be so selfish... and then told this mutual friend who I talked with).
Later - I checked his account on purpose this time - there was an email from her implying she had been publicly humiliated and nothing more was written on that thread. I was pleased I hadn't done anything and thought his inner moral compass had worked.
Fast forward 3 months to April last year when - 7 years, a house and 2 planned children later - I asked him to marry me. He said no - after a day - then, when pushed, said he no longer loved me. Then began a year of soul searching, 4 months of him sleeping in the living room, and Relate; during which I learned there was no one else but he had always had doubts about our chemistry and was troubled I had put on weight and the eternity ring he had given me in December for my birthday was just to go through the motions.
4 months in to this period I said he clearly wasn't going to think anything through or change his mind so it was best to begin selling the house. At this point he decided to try again. We holidayed together with friends and things were OK if stilted. We were going to move but he decided we should stay put (a house bought near his work so he could be home in time to put DS and DD to bed). I also talked with his mum and mentioned these emails and she was shocked and swore such a t***p would not be welcome in her house. I said I didn't think anything had happened.
By Christmas he was distant and would sit the other end of the sofa and would leap, as if touching an electric fence, if we bumped into each other in a doorway.
He went to New York on business without leaving flight or hotel details.
On his return, a few days later, I offered him a foot rub after a tough day and he didn't reply but started crying. I went to touch him and ask what was wrong - he jerked away. I said: OK I think you have something to tell me. Now seems a good enough time as any. He said: it wasn't working for him and it never would. So I calmly said: OK then you'd best go. Take the morning or afternoon off work to pack. Be in touch in a week.
That was end January this year. I have bent over backwards to be dignified and tolerant despite occasions where he has refused to evening parent his children on a regular 1 in 3 Friday, whilst he has agreed to pay more than the CSA legal amount it doesn't cover the bills and he won't do a financial analysis to see, he wouldn't say where he was staying. And has generally been defensively aggressive and irritated by anything asked of him.
You can see what is coming I am sure - I couldn't though.
I had asked on occasions if he would afford me the decency of telling me when he met someone. He said he hadn't but was planning to join dating sites. We were going to draw up a template for future partners so expectations regarding the children were clear (his parents split and he has/had views on his dad's girlfriends.)
Anyway TCALSS (or not you may think!) - I found out (he left his email account open on my computer whilst seeing the children - I came back early) he has being seeing the email woman all along. He aggressively denied it even then until I spun the computer round to show him what i was reading.
Best case scenario (i.e. as far as I got to read before he came in the room) is it started the day he left (a random day when I chose to bring up the subject). I was reconciled to him meeting someone new but I am really struggling with the fact he lied throughout and also that he has chosen the one woman who makes the whole thing not alright: the one with scant regard for taking a father from a family. He booked a foreign holiday for him and her 5 weeks after being asked to leave (on a weekend when he could have seen DS and DD) and is, I believe, living with her.
I emailed his parents and sisters to say ... it was an affair with her all along! The tenet of the response
[hope you are still with me!]
is that I am unreasonable basically and must consider the children and that it is a relationship with someone not an office affair with a family breaker as I would like it termed. And they are concerned I am about to restrict his access to the children and must stop hurting the children's relatives (i.e. them) with such emails. No mention of the deceit and lies and lack of prioritising his children.
I am finding it difficult to gain a perspective - I realise you all have my one sided version - but I cannot cope with the lack of acknowledgment that this does change things for me and isn't just sour grapes and I am genuinely concerned that he is putting this woman first (he has left his access days early with no explanation). It also rewrites and makes a nonsense of the whole of last year.
Can anyone help me see a clear path forward? I know how important DD and DS maintaining a good relationship with their father is but I do not want her present during access and don't feel this is an unfair restriction. I also cannot bear the thought of him ever seeing me again although this is difficult given DS and DDs ages.