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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that this is logical, not terrible

22 replies

GothAnneGeddes · 18/05/2010 12:13

Dh is from abroad. His family all still live in his home country.

They were about to move house when his Dad had a stroke.

Dh is going over there this week for 10 days to see his family and help them move.

As he looks after dd (16months) when I'm at work, this leaves me with no childcare (my family do not live nearby & have work commitments), so dd is going too.

Cue gasps from everyone I know. People have suggested I take the time off work instead, but we're short staffed and it would be very short notice.

Also, Dh is as hands on, loving and capable as me and his family adore dd, so I really can't see the problem.

AIBU?

My nearest family

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 18/05/2010 12:15

no,course not!!

he's her dad....who were shocked mostly?? the 'older' generation or new mothers? or both?

Mowgli1970 · 18/05/2010 12:15

I'm sure they'd love to see her, YANBU as long as there are family members who could look after her while your dh is helping out. I don't see it as a problem.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 18/05/2010 12:16

Sounds reasonable to me, although I bet you'll miss them like crazy. If he takes care of her already it's just not an issue.

My husband does a fair chunk of the childcare here, and yet when he has to go away for a week without our 18 month old (and he organises replacement care!) no-one gasps in horror about how he can possibly bear to be away from her and ooh they just couldn't do it themselves. Annoys me no end.

whatwasthatagain · 18/05/2010 12:17

Think it is a great idea. Having your DD around should be a boost for everyone surely?

BertieBotts · 18/05/2010 12:18

I don't see why that is odd - my friend went on holiday without her husband (he had work commitments too) and took their son, and nobody blinked an eye at that!

NomDePlume · 18/05/2010 12:20

not that shocking, but I suppose people are thinking that you'll miss DD, which is also logical (and vice versa, but then as DH is her primary carer, she'd prob miss him more if he went away and was left with you, iyswim).

Perhaps they are also thinking that DH is not going to be able to be much help from a moving point of view if he is having to look after a 16mo baby.

YANBU, of course, it's your baby and your arrangements and it does make sense practically but I can see why people might be a bit surprised. 'Gasps' are a bit off though.

runnybottom · 18/05/2010 12:20

Nobody would be shocked if you were taking her away while he worked, would they?
Why do people insist on preserving the image of a mother as a martyr and the only one who can take care of small children? Its insulting to both us as mothers and the fathers too.

They ABU, as well as patronising, old-fashioned and stereotypical.

xstitch · 18/05/2010 12:21

I think it sounds a lovely idea, surely the grandparents would love to see their DGD especially after what they have been through.

Francagoestohollywood · 18/05/2010 12:38

YANBU.

People need to get a grip. And btw, of course you'll miss her and she'll miss you, which is a totally normal, healthy emotion in this case.

Geocentric · 18/05/2010 12:44

Sounds fine to me. NU at all. Its only 10 days...

Hullygully · 18/05/2010 12:46

Perfectly reasonable. They are all weird.

Songbird · 18/05/2010 12:48

God no, YANBU. DH gets 10 days more annual leave than I do, so he takes more time off during school hols - people are always surprised! And they just presume I work part time to do the school run - how else could dd possibly get home from school? Erm, we share the school run? Not rocket science!!

Jamieandhismagictorch · 18/05/2010 12:50

Perhaps they are also thinking that DH is not going to be able to be much help from a moving point of view if he is having to look after a 16mo baby.

That's what I thought, NomdePlume, but I'm sure you've thought about that, OP

flockwallpaper · 18/05/2010 12:54

Sounds fine to me too, and the most sensible solution in the cirumstances.

porcamiseria · 18/05/2010 13:08

its fine, my DS is going to DPs home country next week for 12 days, noone here has even commented! Ignore, and hope you dont miss her too much

who are the fuckwits that commented?

Strawbezza · 18/05/2010 13:11

I would be shocked if your 16-mth-old dd did not go with the parent who usually cares for her.

Bumblingbovine · 18/05/2010 13:20

Well tbh it depends on what the trip will be like for your dp. If he is visiting somewhere he will have lots of help with your dd that is fine. If he is visiting to help elderly ill parents to move and sort out loads of stuff and he is doing that on his own then frankly having your dd with him will make that very very difficult

I spent 10 days abroad with my two elderly and frail parents when ds was 16 months and it was hell it really was. I felt torn three different ways and was run ragged. Neither my mum nor dad were up to looking after ds for more than a few minutes. We had no real help so I was left looking after two frail 80 year olds and a 16 month old who was very lively and had just started walking and who still didn't sleep through the night

It would have been far easier for me to leave ds at home, though my parents loved having him there.

It all depends on the circumstances really and only you can know whet those are

MrsGravy · 18/05/2010 13:22

Well I would be surprised - I can't imagine being able to help anyone do anything with a 16 month old under my feet!!

But obviously I don't know the circumstances - if she's the type of baby to potter about happily and be no trouble and there's loads of family around to help anyway then it makes sense to take her.

Original poster

GothAnneGeddes · 18/05/2010 13:41

Just to clarify, lots of family around to help (Dh is 1 of 5) all of whom are thrilled to be seeing her. Dh's youngest sister is particulary fond of dd, so she will be well looked after.

As for who the primary carer is, I would say that it's me, but dh isn't far behind and she's equally comforatble with us both.

OP posts:

AhLaVache · 18/05/2010 13:52

The only thing I would think is that it may be easier for him and the rest of his family to not have a 16 month old to take care of when there is other stuff to be getting on with.

Having said that I certainly wouldn't be gasping or horrified. I would assume you had come to the best decision for all involved.

kickassangel · 18/05/2010 13:55

what runnybottom said.

i got sooooo annoyed with a friend, who from the moment that dd was born, went on about how i wasn't a 'real mother' cos i went back to work (incidentally, i was a teacher & she worked part time - over a year, our hours were pretty equal, just spaced differently). when, eventually, i managed to cut my hours a little, her first response was 'it's so sad you couldn't do that earlier'

she never once said anything about dh working, even though he was frequently abroad & didn't see dd for weeks at a time.

some people have the most ridiculous ideas about the roles of mothers & fathers. your plan sounds perfect - a family holiday for your ddd, and lovely for dh's family to spend some real time with her.

and i hope that you have some plans for a weekend lie-in, and other 'child free' activities. in fact, RELISH the child free time & make a point about boasting about it as much as possible to all those who are so cat's-bum-face about it, even if you are missing her & dh like crazy.

Downdog · 18/05/2010 16:49

YANBU - it's logical and in no way terrible.

Your OH's family will enjoy spending time with DD too.

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