Am I being precious?

[MissFloraPoste]

A close friend of mine is having an affair with an older married man (I don't know him or the full circumstances of the marriage but I do know he has young children). She is very happy about the situation and seems to have gone into it with her eyes open about the lack of long term possibility, and she considers him to be the guilty party and not her. She means a lot to me and has always been supportive towards my choices. I know I have a tendency to be judgemental BUT I am finding it really really hard to reconcile what she?s doing with our friendship.

I?m not saint, I consider myself religious but my attitude to sex is usually pretty ecumenical. Yet I also feel this crosses a line I?m not comfortable with (actually I think it?s completely immoral). I?m horrified about the idea of the children of this man being hurt by someone who I?m close to. Even if the possibility of this is small as the affair is a casual one.

AIBU? I?ve made her aware of my feelings but not the strength of them. Is reacting in this extremely judgemental way breaking one of the tenants of friendship?
A bit of motherly advice would be appreciated, I?m in my early 20s so life experience isn?t really at a premium!

(be nice, I'm new)

Hello Missflora and welcome .

OK so you asked.

IMO what your friend is doing is wrong. I wouldn't condone it, and I would find it difficult to reconcile my values with the friend's and would see the friendship as tenuous. But that's me.

It is a shame.

I'm not religious either, in fact I'm an atheist. But as the previous posters have eloquently explained why, it does cross the line and I would struggle if a friend did this. Don't know what the solution is though. Sorry, that's not much help, is it??

Religious views aside - if we ended all our friendships with people who did things we did not agree with surely we would have very few friends and life would be a lot less colourful.

Religious views taken on board - surely it is Christian to forgive sins and to accept/support people whatever they have done, even though adultery is a sin - and your friend isn't commiting it - is she responsible for anothers actions?

Speaking from bitter personal experience, I don't think this friendship can last. At best, you will be required to support her when things inevitably blow up in her face - at worst you will become involved in the lies and deception that she is so willingly becoming involved in herself.

It's not about asking her to make a choice - it's about making the choice for her and if I was in your situation, and speaking with the benefit of hindsight, I would have to distance myself from her, with the reassurance for her that when she ends the relationship, you will be there. People who cheat don't care what lies they have to tell in order to cover up their deception and don't care who is caught up in the crossfire.

It's her choice, you are her friend, no one is perfect. Be there to support her but you can still let her know you don't condone what she is doing.

I find it hard too, OP, especially as infidelity (well, that and a hefty amount of booze) caused the breakup of my own parents' marriage.

As a young girl, I used to be very 'oh people can do what they want to do', 'sometimes things just don't work out', 'two sides to every story' about infidelity (mainly because I don't think I could reconcile myself to seeing how much pain my dad leaving had caused my mother). My mother (on the surface) took a 'oh well, no use crying over spilled milk' approach and so did I and we all merrily denied the devastation it had wreaked on our lives/how it worsened our financial situation etc etc.

Then I got married to my dh, and I suddenly saw how awful it really was for my mother when my father left her for someone else.

I still think that individual circumstances vary hugely. I have good friends who have entered into affairs and some of them I can see it was their way out of years of crappy treatment from an indifferent spouse; others seem to be having mid-life crises etc..

However, although I can understand and do my best to avoid being judgemental, I wouldn't want to talk about it in any great detail with them (e.g. ins and outs etc) and certainly wouldn't be comfortable being put into a position where I had to lie because of my knowledge of what was going on. This happened with one very good friend whose husband I knew previously and when she began her affair I had to break ties with her because I just couldn't look her husband in the eye at a social function we were at. Although she knew broadly that I was uncomfortable with it, it became that all we talked about was her affair. We were both newly married at the time and it did ruin our friendship as I slowly stopped making the effort as I just didn't want to think about someone marrying someone and cheating on them so soon after etc.. on the other hand, I still miss her and don't think I handled it well.

it's tricky..

is'nt that the problem today? - anyone can do anything they like with no consequences - broken home in exchange for fun quickies?..shrug...not advocating return to 50's morality but she needs to know lighthearted fun for her can blow apart a family, plus, the guy is opportunistic scum - he cares nothing abut his wife or your friend and my advice would be she could do better (on all levels). Good for you for thinking about it. There are ways of telling people you love them but hate what they are doing, I personally would.

It does sound like it is along the lines of 'so long as I don't get hurt it doesn't matter' to your friend.

Would you trust her with your boyfriend or husband? I knew someone like this and the answer was no I wouldn't, ulitmately I didn't even trust her friendship.

I was right.

I really, really feel for his wife though - poor woman.

reminds me - had a best friend who always said she liked married men, claimed to have a married bf in another country, just wanted a bloke who was involved with someone else - we were very close at uni and I loved her like a sister, used to think she could'nt really be so shallow and awful, she was very fun and I thought nice - turns out she did just want other people's men and she got mine - someone I loved more than the world - so, no 'friend' (was she a friend?) and no man either....good point pedro

Poor woman... blissfully unaware of the selfish git she is married to.

Your friend is just as guilty because she chose a relationship with someone who she knows is married. If you love her, tell her.

I've had friends who've done this and it was very difficult. When the second one did it I'd had children myself and I just didn't like talking about it. I think I made that clear to her. In this case, the children were older, in their late teens, and I'm sure the wife was a difficult character...but, all the same.

Hi, welcome. I had a 'friend' do this and I gave her the heave ho because although she was fun we basically had completely different values (not just on this subject) so it was like the final straw. It was also around the time I discovered my own partner was cheating on me so it was very painful.

If my best or closest friend did this I would not drop her no matter how wrong I think it is. Because to me, closest friends are like family and from years of supporting one another comes uncondiational love even if they do something REALLY stupid IMO.

I would however tell her how I feel. I wouldnt have done in my early twenties but over the last 10 years I have come to realise that honesty (as long as it comes with tact, which I have alos learned) is the best policy in friendships. And difficult topics should be tackled, they only make you stronger.

YANBU to disapprove though, it IS very very wrong of your friend and the man involved and I would be very concerned about the karma.

Maybe get your friend to read the 'relationships' board on Mumsnet where she'll find endless tales of misery from women who's husbands have cheated on them. She has probably managed to justify her actions to herself but that board is enough to make her see sense Im sure.

Hurting your fellow woman is so not cool.

I had a friend in a similar position and it has changed how I see her. I also know him and that he has children. I do feel that he has made the promise however I cannot understand how she can do it. I must be honest and say it greatly effected me and I was very very worried for her and what could happen. Seeing her now a year later and still in tears at the mention of it doesn't make me feel any better about it except that it finished on her terms rather than his. I know that being married and having a dc myself now makes a difference.

I would just say to her that you are uncomfortable with what she is doing because of the potential hurt esp as he has children. Tell her that you feel for his wife and children.

Do you want to stay friends with her - I would find it hard as there would be no respect there...

Argh I'm stuck here. I'm also from a dysfunctional family (and yes, the same sitn as mrsbean - frankly it's the most common reason) and I don't like duplicity. Yet the would be sophisticated continental in me tells me that if your friend is genuinely happy to remain the mistress then should you cast her off as a friend? I don't know. Because in the end I suspect that she is not happy to remain the mistress and is therefore more to be pitied than judged. Even the friend of my sister who 'won' her married man has not had a smooth time of it since. Although I confess that both my sister and I still regard her as a friend.

I just couldn't be friends with someone who had such different morals to mine.

YANBP

Love your name OP!

Great book.

Have to agree with you OP my best friend from uni started seeing her old boyfriend from school (who was by this time married with 2-3 young children) I just could not carry on being friends with her especially when she complained about his children not liking her
I haven't seen her for years.

I agree with your friend in that he is the one who is married, so ultimately the responsibility lies with him. However, this does not reflect well on her either. A woman who has sex with someone elses husband is not someone I would want to be around. That said, if she is young, with no real concept of what it means to be married and put all your trust in another person, then perhaps she has no idea of the seriousness of what she is doing. In time, when she might know better, she may well look back on this period of her life with shame. If she was my friend I would make it very clear to her that I in no way condone what she is doing and that I do not want to hear anything about it. To share details is to give tacit acceptance to her actions. I do not know if your friendship can survive.You sound like a lovely friend to have and I hope she sees this and respects that you want nothing to do with it

I wouldn't stay friends with them, just wouldn't be able to. I only once knew of such a person, which was a work boss I had once in a weekend job, she used to brag about this and the persons wife even used to come in and she would be nice to her face then brag about it once she's gone, I could not respect her @ all after I knew this about her. Sorry but these kind of people are just scum of society, there's no excuse for it especially going into situation knowingly, purposely and happy with it knowing he is married with small kids - Just no, not acceptable, and having her as a friend will be no benefit to you at all. Wouldn't trust such a person with anything ever

I totally second what Sas has said. You don't have to break off the friendship over this. But you do have every right to say you want no part in this and do not agree with what she is doing.

Longer term I doubt your friendship will survive. I have found that when two people have such different morals; you will eventually drift apart.

Goodness me- just got back from work and so many posts! I don't think I can cast her off as a friend because that's not something I believe in unless the friend in question has actually caused significant hurt to me and even then I really would try to be forgiving. I never know when it might need to be reciprocated!

The whole affair is being painted in quite a larky way which I find difficult so I think I'm just going to take the advice on here and just refuse to hear anything about it. I find the children aspect upsetting because I work with them and see how fragile they can be but as we're both young I agree with saslou that perhaps she doesn't really understand, or want to confront, what she's doing. She has gone down in my estimation but not unreedemably.

Thankyou all so much for understanding how complicated the situation is!

FPx