To be driven mad by my perfectly well-meaning mother-in-law!

[Elvisina]

I feel so mean even writing this but I find my mother-in-law so irritating that it is becoming a problem. I've always been slightly irritated by her 'look after your man and dedicate your whole life to your family without bothering with a career' outlook on life (which is of course a perfectly acceptable lifestyle choice if it makes you happy) but now I've got a 4 month old baby the irritation is becoming out of control! In the first few weeks she came round almost every day and stayed for hours! She even came round on the very last day my dh had on paternity leave and then again on my very first day alone with my dc. I was so upset as I desperately wanted us to have some space. It has calmed down quite a bit now but whenever the phone goes in the day it is most often her and it just irritates me that she wants to know everything about my ds - this week's weight, any new developments, how is he after being sick a couple of times etc. She means well and it's obviously because she is completely in love with him but I find it so suffocating. The problem is I could never say anything to her as she would be completely devastated! Her self-esteem is so low and she always apologises a thousand times whenever she rings or comes round saying she's "sorry for disturbing...". I end up having to reassure her several times when the truth is I feel she IS disturbing me. My dh and her have a close relationship since his father died 15 years ago and I feel so mean as I know my ds has given her a 'new lease of life'. I just want her to not invest so much of her life in my ds! It feels claustrophobic. I guess I'm being selfish and want him to myself! It doesn't help that my mother is totally different - really supportive and understanding and very careful not to overstep the mark. I suppose I need you to tell me to stop being so horrible and be grateful that my ds is getting so much love!

YANBU. It sounds as if all her being apoogetic is just emotional blackmail, she could well be a control freak and is using her poite approach to make you feel guilty. Be bold and clear, and maybe get your DH to explain to her as well?

personally I think YABU and YANBU. Its lovely your so understanding of your MIL but you are entitled to your own personal space. Could dh not have a word?

It sounds as if she's very lonely, I can understand why it's irritating for you but poor her too.

I suggest trying to get the communications with her back a bit more on your terms. So maybe you could call her sometimes, update her on your latest HV visit or whatever, at a time that's convenient for you, and invite her over occasionally. Maybe this will make her feel more secure in her relationship with you, so if you don't always accept invitations or answer the phone she won't be hurt?

In a few months, or now if you're comfortable with it, leave your ds with her while you pop out to the shops or go for a walk or have a bath. As your ds gets older and develops more of a relationship with her you will probably find her less irritating because you'll see how much benefit he gets from his relationship with his doting granny.

yabu..try being in my sister shoes.

you will never have questions like...doesn't nanny love me, why don't nanny come to my party, what have i done wrong and the lastest what can i do to make nanny love me...all from a 9 year old

My DH just desperately wants everyone to be 'happy' so it would hurt him if I asked him to speak to her. Anyway, what can we say? "Stop being so interested in your DGS!" See this is the problem, she seems to try so hard to be a loving, helpful, non-intrusive person and still irritates the hell out of me! I guess she is 'passive aggressive' in a way but I don't thinks she does this at all intentionally.
The simple truth is that she is lonely, does not really have much in her life and desperately wants to play a significant role in her DGS's life. I am nice to her but it's got to the stage where I roll my eyes and sigh when she comes to the door or phones. I want her to back-off and that's so mean of me. Why can't I just give her this pleasure? Do other people find their MILs irritating, for no real reason, or is it just me?!

mumof2children, just because you have the opposite problem, doesn't mean that Elvisina doesn't have something quite valid bothering her.

It's like if I complained of starving to death, and someone told me to stop moaning because a relative once ate so much that his stomach exploded.

That said, I am sorry for your troubles.

Some good advice, thanks - especially from alarkaspree! You're right about getting things on my own terms. I think that would help and she'd like it if I contacted her sometimes. I need to sort ths out for the benefit of my DH as well as DS. I suppose I just needed to vent a bit and be reminded (and even told off a bit)of how lucky I am.

why don't you try doing things like when you are speaking, she's called round, saying 'oh, we're busy tomorrow, why don't you come round the day after' or 'I'll call you in a couple of days to let you know about ...'

then, you give yourself a breathing space, but she also knows when it IS ok to call round, phone etc.

if she then keeps coming round too much, you will need to get more assertive 'no, tomorrow's not good, it will have to be ...'

that gives you a bit more control of when she's around, without cutting her off - it gives her a definite time, so she doesn't feel left out.

how do you feel about her looking after your dc & giving yourself a break? it could be great for all of you if she has some 1-1 with her dgc

TBH, I would make a point of getting out of the house so you're not in when she rings or pops over. You can then ring her at a convenient time to tell her what you've been up to. It is harsh but you don't have to answer the phone and making yourselves less available should give you back some space.

I would then start ringing her to arrange a day/time you can go to hers (that way you can control how long the visit lasts). Alternatively, if she comes to yours and she's prone to staying all day, I'd arrange something else for the afternoon so you can end the visit.

I don't think it'll need to be like this forever, she'll just get used to you getting on with your life and that you're simply not always in for a visit or phone call.

It's worked like this for us, both sets of parents have calmed down now DD is 9 months as I'm back to work and we're busy with our own family stuff at the weekend etc. We clearly call them and see them, but mostly it needs to be arranged in advance and as it's not every week we love spending the day with them.

PurpleCrazyHorse is right, I think you need to be a bit more proactive. Take control of the situation. Going to her house is a great idea, get her to make you lunch too!

She sounds a lot like my MIL, who everyone thinks is lovely including me but is sooo passive aggresive it's unbelievable. I end up feeling like a total cow for finding her annoying.

I think you have to toughen up a bit, don't take all phone calls and if she leaves a message respond when it's convenient. There's nothing wrong in telling her that you were feeding or having a nap. You need to gently set out your boundaries and at the same time ensure that she feels welcomed. She says things that I feel are designed for a certain response - for example recently she said that she doesn't like to call too often as she doesn't want to intrude. It was said in such a way that she clearly wanted me to say 'oh no, it's fine you call as often as you like', but I didn't. Then a day or two later I sent her a text asking if she'd like to go to a craft workshop with me.

I still get suckered into agreeing to things that I don't really want to agree to because it's all dressed up in such a way to make it very hard to say no. Although I find it annoying, I figure thats the price we pay for having an involved grandparent who the dc's love.

I could kill her sometimes though. Oh and be careful with dh, we don't row very often but when we do it is almost always when we've spent a lot of time with MIL. DH feels pulled between the two of us and like whatever he does will upset one of us - not easy for him. I try to bite my lip and drink lots of wine.

I think most of us get irritated by our mils now and then, it does sound like she's being a bit stifling because she hasn't got much to fill her days.

I would definitely try doing what other people have said: be more busy, say you can't do wednesday because you have such-a-such breastfeeding group or baby class, then you're meeting a friend for coffee afterward, but you can do thursday and would she like to go and have lunch? And when you're on the phone, specify "I'll call you on saturday then/we'll see you on sunday afternoon"

She'll probably calm down once the baby is a bit older, everyone loves a tiny baby. Until then, use her enthusiasm - get her to coo over the baby while you MN nap or shower or get some housework done! She'll either love it and feel like she's had a proper fix, or she'll think you're taking the piss a bit and come round less. Win-win!

I'm so glad I posted this message as I think the advice has been brilliant! I can completely see that if I make the effort to arrange things with her then, not only will she feel good (and perhaps stop apologising all the time which drives me crazy!)but I get to feel in control and therefore not so frustrated. I have avoided being the one who made arrangements in the past because I basically didn't want to see her more than I already do but am convinced now that this will not necessarily be the case at all! I'll start today!

I have such lovely memories of times with my own GP and can see now that they probably didn't always do things the way my DM wanted but she put her own feelings to one side so we all had fun. I'm sure there's going to be a lot of times when I don't agree with my MIL's way of doing things (my DH was spoilt rotten and basically never left her side until school age)but I'll try to balance being assertive with letting my DS have a lovely time with her.

Thanks again - I take on board what you say 'Housewife..' about not arguing with DH. I've already made things awkward for him in the past and will try not to do that (so much) anymore. If I'm in control of when we all get together then hopefully I won't have a reason to moan anyway.

I agree with just not answering the phone as much if you think it will be her and going out more now the weather is better and if you have a mobile keeping it on silent so you choose when to call folk back. I'm glad my relatives weren't like this as I hate being fussed over and would probably have said something if anyone had fussed. Loving your grandchildren doesn't have to mean invading your daughter/DIL's privacy all the time.
I agree making a definite arrangement may help, but I wouldn't get into a weekly slot that you will regret in the future.

I think you can also drop a few little hints her way...'Oh I am so glad we don't have to go out tomorrow and we don't have anyone coming around, I am so looking forward to a day, at home, alone with DS... I don't think we've had a single day to ourselves yet'. OK so maybe it's not such a little hint - but unless you get a grip on the situation and get a better balance you are going to end up putting her under the veggie patch!!

2rebecca - good warning about avoiding the 'weekly slot'. That would really frustrate me even though I do see her at least once a week already.

Chippingin - I have tried some similar comments - in fact I once broke down and cried in front of her saying that Me, DH and DS never had time together. I did bottle out a bit and suggest that I meant over people, not her, but I think she got the hint a bit as things did improve. I'll definitely try a few more casual hints as you suggest.

I do still feel guilty about moaning about her as I honestly do believe that she means well even though her behaviour straight after the birth was unreasonable with the constant, long visits. I keep trying to bear in mind what my wise younger sister said about my MIL's behaviour towards my DS "It's like she's in love and people often behave unreasonably when they're in love because they can't help themselves." The thing is I don't think I want her to be 'in love' with my DS. It feels a bit suffocating. However, as some of you have pointed out it will get better as my DS gets older. I'm returning to work pt and she's having my DS for a day a week (which is very nice, I know) so hopefully that will be nice for both of them and take the pressure off weekend visits.

I so know what you mean as well! Unfortunately in my experience it didn't get better when I went back to work, we just had less time to fit MIL and PIL in, leading to even more stress. Do something about it now, I wish I had!