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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to be sure how I should have reacted to this?

31 replies

chesgirlNOTgriffins · 17/05/2010 21:05

Hmmmmm,

Took DC5 shopping today. He is 5 weeks old (and very very lovely).

I was having a browse in H&M and he was sleeping in his buggy. His buggy was at my side at all times.

A youngish woman approached me. She looked very concerned and said'

"you know when you were looking at those clothes? Your baby was facing away from you and anyone could have come and taken him away. You should always remember to face your baby towards you. You should be more careful'

I was slightly stunned. I replied that 'this is my 5th baby (she made a suprised noise) and I havent managed to loose one yet but thank you for your concern'

She muttered something like 'well I was only saying' and scuttled off.

This incident got me thinking. What on earth are you supposed to say when someone says something like that? I was glad I wasnt rude to her because she wasnt rude or aggressive but I wasnt about to agree with her. DC was never at any risk of being snatched away. I was standing next to him, could see him and he was firmly strapped in.

So if I had said 'oh yes you are right, thanks I will be more careful' I would be being a twit but it wouldnt have been approprite to say 'feck off you nosey bat' either.

So what is the ettiquete when someone says something well meaning but bonkers to you?

What on earth mad her think it would be a good idea anyway?

OP posts:
Meglet · 17/05/2010 21:07

I think you said the right thing. She doesn't have a clue.

YarninMonkey · 17/05/2010 21:08

I think your response was fine. Weird people about!

firsttimemum77 · 17/05/2010 21:09

That's a ridiculous thing to say! YANBU I would have said the same thing!

Pozzled · 17/05/2010 21:10

I also think you handled it fine. If it were me I probably would have tried to point out why the baby wasn't in danger- as you say, he was strapped in etc.

Hermya321 · 17/05/2010 21:10

I don't know, I think I would have been the same as you and been a bit taken aback by that.

I was going to ask if DC5 was strapped in, but as he was I'm not sure why she felt such concern. To be honest, if anything off of your buggy was going to go it would be your handbag or some such hanging off of your buggy handles.

I do think you handled it well considering the nature of the comment though

jonicomelately · 17/05/2010 21:10

You dealt with it perfectly.

You weren't in Liverpool were you only, I've always noticed there is a tendancy to be a bit liberal with unsolicited advice there. Nice, well meaning people, but everybody has an opinion and a lot aren't afraid to voice it

lisbey · 17/05/2010 21:17

You did the right thing, but, I did once wander off with the wrong pushchair after browsing in Next! Other mother was doing the same thing and when I came to leave, there was a pushchair next to me, so I pushed it, leaving one very distressed mother and an oblivious DS1 behind me

Original poster
chesgirlNOTgriffins · 17/05/2010 21:32

Oops lisbey

I was quite pleased with my response. If she had caught me on the wrong day I might have been a bit more direct! But I know if I had been rude I wouldve felt bad afterwards.

I was just wondering generally I suppose. Now I am 42 and have tons of kids I dont usually get this sort of thing. When I was a new mum and looked very young I suppose I expected it more so was more likely to just nod dumbly!

I suspect this woman thought I was younger than I am and a bit inexperienced (not saying I look like a teenager but I can pass for younger from a distance). Perhaps she thought she would get away with it.

She reminded me of a few health visitors I have met.

TBH she was pushing it considering we were in a pretty rough part of North London not best known for it's genteel inhabitants

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 17/05/2010 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scurryfunge · 17/05/2010 21:36

Who the heck nicks babies in H&M? Scaremongering twaddle...you did the right thing

Original poster
chesgirlNOTgriffins · 17/05/2010 21:49

Dont blame you thesecond if any situation called for a fuck off that one did.

I think I started this thread for two reasons:

  1. because I am genuinely interested in a discussion on how to best deal with loons wish to impart pearls of parenting wisdom

and

  1. because I feel a teeny bit smug about taking the higher ground and not descending into chaviness (as is my wont).
OP posts:
leeloo1 · 17/05/2010 21:51

Umm, so you're in a rough area and someone came over to you looking 'very concerned' and said it would be better if you had your baby facing you. I'd say she was right and had good intentions.

Whilst its unlikely that someone would be able to pinch your baby without you noticing, it could happen. She may well have agonised before speaking to you, but felt that she had no choice as wouldn't have been able to live with herself if something had happened. If you'd smiled and said 'thanks, but DC is strapped in, so I think they're safe,' she'd have felt she'd done a good deed and you could have been happy that someone was looking out for your DC.

thesecondcoming · 17/05/2010 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Missus84 · 17/05/2010 22:06

"Umm, so you're in a rough area and someone came over to you looking 'very concerned' and said it would be better if you had your baby facing you. I'd say she was right and had good intentions. "

Even in rough areas, there aren't gangs of yoots nicking babies from prams

Original poster
chesgirlNOTgriffins · 17/05/2010 22:08

I dont think a baby is more likely to be snatched in a 'rough area' Leeloo, a handbag maybe but a child? I dont feel that me or my neighbours being a bit common increases our likelyhood of wandering off with a baby.

I doubt she agonised tbh, she looked confident and sounded pretty patronising. If I had left DC on the other side of the shop I wouldve been embarrassed enough to have agreed with her. But with my baby in his buggy next to me? Explain how someone could have walked off with him?

OP posts:
leeloo1 · 17/05/2010 22:18

Well, you didn't say she sounded patronising before, but you're the one who was there. I'd still try to take it in a nice way, as obv she didn't know you were an experienced mum and was trying to do something helpful. Tbh, I live in North London too and haven't noticed a spate of baby-nappings, but still better safe than sorry?

I'm always quite chuffed when people offer to help me with the buggy down from buses (I don't need the help, but its sweet) or play peekaboo or whatever with DS as it restores my faith in human nature. To me this seems similarly to be like a social conscience (is that the right word?) type thing... nice to think people are looking out for each other.

runnybottom · 17/05/2010 22:19

She probably did have good intentions, but she was not at all right. How ridiculous to suggest she was.

There are odd people everywhere. I don't see any better response than the one you gave.

Original poster
chesgirlNOTgriffins · 17/05/2010 22:45

No I didnt, sorry (mention she was patronising that is). She wasnt rude though.

Its hard to describe exactly the situation but there really was no way someone could have walked off with DC without me noticing. I have been thinking it over since I started this thread and I can not think of how it would be possible.

Thats why it was such an odd thing to say.

I wonder if she might start an AIBU,

'I was in H&M today and this mad woman left her DC in its buggy for anyone to walk off with. I mean he was just sitting there, millimetres from her, literally millimetres! I tried to warn her but she wasnt having any of it - ungreatful cow!'

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 18/05/2010 05:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 18/05/2010 05:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Downdog · 18/05/2010 12:07

your reply was fab.

I always think of something great to say afterwards. I had DD asleep in Baby Bjorn in an airport once - walking to collect bags etc.
Someone came up and insinuated DD was going to be smothered as her face was against me. She was perfectly fine. I just smiled weakly in a bemused way. It was only afterwards I thought I could have replied "she's a breastfed baby - she knows how to deal with a face full of tit!"

Main thing is the people making these comments are well intended & aren't having a go.

TopsyKretts · 18/05/2010 12:10

I think you handled it really well. I think sometimes it helps to feel sorry for people like this- they must have a very anxiety-filled life to worry so much about things like this to the point where they'd make an idiot of themselves in public.

Lancelottie · 18/05/2010 12:19

I once left my (vast, whingy-child-filled) double buggy near the front of a post office while I queued with a parcel, whole yards away, for, ooh, minutes.

Came back to find that the elderly ladies I'd assumed to be kindly entertaining the occupants were in fact waiting for me with very pursed lips to tell me that I was Neglecting These Children and that they Couldn't Understand the Attitude of Mothers These Days (their capitals, definitely).

It was baffling.

Especially as DH was standing next to the pram the whole time, idly gazing at bad postcards.

Downdog · 18/05/2010 12:28

Lancelottie -

Original poster
chesgirlNOTgriffins · 18/05/2010 12:34

PMSL at your experiences! Glad to know I am not the only bad bad mother

I do feel a bit sorry for her topsy. She looked a bit sheepish when I told her DC was number 5. I know she didnt mean to be offensive though.

'face full of tit' haha
madam I think you have just proved my point. I mean, you obviously noticed someone trying to walk off with your DCs!
Lance I dont think DHs count do they? Not in the minds of elderly ladies with a point to make anyway

Its a good job the woman in H&M never saw me in Ikea 15ish years ago when I nearly went home without DS1 on purpose by accident. Or maybe she has been following me ever since [paranoid]

OP posts: