or is my friend not really that bothered about me anymore? (long)

[deaconblue]

My friend and I were best friends at university and lived together for 5 years after. We've known each other nearly 20 years but nowadays only meet up once or twice a year as we live a long way apart. We've always had regular phone contact but in the last couple of years I've noticed I probably call her 3 or 4 times as often as she calls or texts me.
In Feb we had a diagnosis for my ds of aspergers syndrome. We're fine with this but I called her to tell her all about it when she was on her way out of the house. She said she would call during the next week so that I could tell her all about it. A month later and no call so I called her, she didn't mention ds.
Last weekend my very close friend died of cancer (she was only 39 and has two small children). I texted the other friend to tell her and she texted a sympathic reply. She has neither texted nor called me to see if I'm ok since.
So, it seems to me that she's no longer all that bothered about our friendship or am I being oversensitive?

she is like me
cares, wants to keep in touch, but is abvsolutely useless at actually doing it - something always gets in the way and before I know it the days have turned into months. Not making excuses as it is crap and I'm lucky not to have lost friends this way.

TBH it sounds like you have grown apart, it's sad when this happens but you need to let go and not see it as personal even the closest of friends grow apart.

I so sorry to hear about your friend such a young age.

I know this sounds bad but sometimes if you're always ringing with bad news it can be draining on the other person
she's probably had close friends / family ill too but doesn't reach for the phone straightaway like you

I'm with stealth on this.

I should check in with my friends more often, but tbh with a baby and toddler, my days are full. And nighttime am too exhausted to speak to anyone.

Doesnt mean I dont care about my friends, I just dont have the space right now to speak to them. And the same could be said of your friend. She could be bothered, but equally have a lot on her plate.
Sorry about your loss. So young and very sad.

what mistletoekisses said
Sorry about your friend

but it could just be that life is BUSY and something somewhere has to give.

Send a card? You make contact but it isn't demanding an immediate reply like a call or text could and it is a more physical reminder of you.

So sorry about your friend .

This must be hard for you, Shoppingbags, and I'm very sorry to hear about your friend passing away.

My ds was also diagnosed with Aspergers some years ago now. As it was something we'd suspected for a while I was almost relieved (if that's the right word), to finally know for definite what the problem was.

As one of my oldest friends who lives abroad tends to keep in touch by letters and texts, I wrote and told her, kept the letter quite upbeat, focussing on the extra support he would now get in school etc. I heard nothing back which was very unusual at the time, this was around 5 years ago and she's NEVER mentioned it! I still get Christmas/birthday letters and the odd text but contact has definitely dwindled since I sent that letter. She definitely rcvd it as she mentioned something else I told her about, same letter!

All I can think is maybe you've drifted apart, or possibly she just finds it hard to express herself to console somebody bearing bad news. Some people genuinely don't know what to say so they think it's safer to say nothing,

I think she should have absolutely called you back, especially as she said she would.

Sadly it does sound as if she is either too busy/not bothered.

So sorry to hear about your friend

I'm the same as stealth - I have drifted apart from friends over the years as I've let too much time go by and then it becomes awkward. I do regret not making the effort to keep in touch with my closest school friend when she moved away....

Sometimes though, friendships just run their course. If you live in different places and have different lives then it happens.

I know it's hard but sometimes you just have to let it go. I speak as someone who was recently dumped by someone who I thought was a really good friend.

Are you sure there's not something happening in her life that might make her feel she can't be a friend right now? She may well feel that she can't handle helping you when she maybe needs help herself.

I had an old friend contact me out of the blue to tell me about their wonderful life now she, her husband and 3 dc's had emigrated to Australia. Hadn't heard from her since college and didn't even know she was married with children.
I was going through an awful situation in my life at the time and couldn't be happy or suportive at all. At the same time I couldn't explain that too her as it made me and my life seem like a complete failure. So I simply didn't respond.
It may be something similar. Have you tried asking her how things are for her right now and is there something happening in her life that she perhaps hasn't mentioned to you.

thanks for replies. I'm pretty sure that there is nothing going on in her life (other than general work/business) as I asked her last time I called her and she was full of her holiday plans etc. I know it sounds like I'm full of doom and gloom but the brief conversation we had about ds was all about how positive we were now that we had a diagnosis. Surely I should be able to expect some support from a friend of 20 years when someone so young and so close to me dies? Many of my other friends who didn't know her have called/texted/pledged donations to her memorial charity in the last week. Just feels like lack of interest/emotional attachment to me