step-mother representing herself as my children's birth mother on genealogical web

[aokay]

I've just found an internet genealogical website that has details of my ex-husband, his wife and my children with my ex husband - apparently she is the mother of my children, I;m not mentioned. I'm seeing red and wonder am I being unreasonable to be furious that they lied about my children's parentage on a genealogical website?.

YANBU that is terrible! Hope you manage to get it changed/removed.

hi cheerful

My family are on a few of these sites and if I were in your position I would start a family tree of your own on the same site and include yourself, your ex and the children in a correct family structure and link it to suitably edited scans of the children's birth certificates. The site should then highlight the conflict and your entry would very clearly be the factual one.

Hi Jamie! It's my birthday!

i had something changed on a similar website after whoever was researching it got it wrong.

if that doesn't work, kick her in the fanjo

I would think that you could ask to have your childrens details removed.You may not want names and birth dates etc available for all to see on the internet. That way the step mother can no longer be connected to your dc on this tree. I think people in the future researching family trees would rely more on birth cirtificates rather than an internet site.

You could set up your own, with accurate info

Custardo, that is excellent advice for any situation. I mean, if one thought that one would be given a fanjo kick in public for being a right bitch, people would probably reconsider. I know I would.

Not condoning violence, o'course.

thanks for sage advice - re fanjo - only works if anatomically present, think its the other sort in this case (metaphorically)

Could she have just filled in the 'children' box and put all the children in in an attempt to be inclusive? I've done one and my DSD came out as mine, I tried to add in real mum, but it all got complicated, so I deleted the lot, not wishing to offend. I only did it after ex told me his wife had done their's, I looked and our DS wasn't on it. But I see why now although I felt quite at the time.

Hi fearne, think you did the right thing and hats off for being decent. Not sure why your DS could'nt be included on the other tree though, on a real family tree it's easy to add - if you look at historical ones there are all sorts of 'additions' as multiple marriages common due to death.

I think if it's a decent website (i.e. subscribed), you can do all sorts of blended family set ups fairly easily, but there are lots around now that make it really complicated and I just lost interest as our family has so many branches!!! It could be that she just saw it as a bit of fun/interest and not an historical representation.
Try no to let it bother you, it's not like anyone in RL is going to get the two of you confused!

actual wording goes ' x and x (parents)
had the following children ... and ....'
It is very odd to be deleted/airbrushed out - does she discuss her pregnancies, labour, breastfeeding techniques?.......... has no children of her own.

The moral of this story is that people who are doing historical research shouldn't use these websites, because anybody can type any old nonsense into them.

Ah, there's no way to mix that up then. Mine was complicated because my DS is 10, his DD is 6 an our DD is 3. It got all confused trying to put them in order!!
No, if she has no children biologically then it is pretty odd. She probably does want to airbrush you out a bit, it's not the nicest feeling thinking about the man you love making and raising children with someone else. If she hasn't yet given birth to a child, she will be unaware of the tigerish feeling that overtakes us wherever our children are concerned. It's probably a bit like a weekend game at the moment (not saying she doesn't take your DCs seriously, just that she doesn't need to think about them often). If it really bothers you, contact the website, other than that, sit back and count your blessings that you are the full picnic...
Oh and the breastfeeding thing...c'mon, you know she doesn't do that, stop torturing yourself.

That's just v odd behaviour...

YANBU at all to be upset.

I think the best idea is to create your own accurate page...then depending on how you get on with your ex, send him an email with the link and say either:

(get on with him well): I saw the family tree, just updated it to avoid confusion

(don't get on and don't care): please show this to your wife and tell he to stop appropriating my children

How outrageously rude and bizarre

I think the most excruciating thing you could do to her in response would be to ask her, in person, preferably in company, in a wide-open and honest voice, why she did it

I mean, what can she say??

good point Milly - quite tempted to type some old nonsense in myself!.......puts it in perspective though. Have offloaded so thanks for reading/all your points

Hahaha Custardo, I like your style! kick her in the fanjo.

That's appalling! But are you sure if was her who did it? I once got birth mothers and step mothers confused with very distant cousins... it was a complete mistake and I was just glad to be corrected.

Yes, good point about getting mixed up. I was at a family gathering yesterday of my mum and step-dad, four of their five children (none shared) and our 9 children plus multiple friends of the family - and virtually all friends said they were baffled as to who was who, who 'belonged' to who, etc. One old friend who really should have known better referred to my step-dad as "your dad" to me - but then again even my dh does this sometimes. (I also have a half-sister with the same name as my niece, just to add to the confusion).

It could be an honest mistake. But it definitely needs correcting! Doesn't have to deny that step-mother is part of the family but genealogically it's simply not accurate.

One teeny silver lining - if anybody is thinking of using this site to steal their details for identity theft purposes then at least they will get their mother's maiden name wrong and shouldn't get too far...

Really, I agree that it's not reason enough - but there does seem to be more and more identity theft around with this sort of information pretty useful to the person trying to pinch it or store it away for later. Which would be reason enough for me to contact the site administrator and say that you want to protect your children and remove them from the site.

Not sure what happens when one parent wants them there and one doesn't but I would have thought they should only put details up if both parents agree. And it is preferable for them to have accurate data on their site too.

Some people just aren't good at setting things up correctly and it is common to see children attributed to the wrong parents imho. Usually because they are too lazy to look at dates of marriage/birth etc.

HOWEVER, not sure on the legality, but most sites suggest that LIVING people's details should only be published with their express permission so you have a good case for asking for their names to be removed.

My tree is huge, but I automatically remove details of people born within the last 100 years unless there is a death date.

YANBU. But just contact the website -- the information is factually wrong, and they should correct it (it may not even have been sent in by your exh or his new partner). You should be on the site as the first wife, with your children; she should be on it as the second wife. It's a simple, factual thing to fix; not worth getting your knickers in a twist about.

fingers crossed 'confusion' now corrected so knickers untwisted. Think it was more of a shock than anything else actually - it is worrying how much info is 'out there' and how much could be wrong, either through deception or genuine mistake. Fact remains that ex and wife fully aware of this info and happy to have it there - website owner luckily not so it's going.