to accept I shall probably be lonely and isolated for the rest of my life!!!

[BigMommaOfAlmost4]

Feeling sorry for myself so apologies in advance for long post!!

I have not had any 'proper' friends since schooldays. Partly due to moving around a lot and partly because I have little confidence or self esteem due to suffering from panic attacks/OCD for a long time, also putting on a lot of weight post DCs has not helped either!!

When I had my 1st child 13 years ago, I worked and lived in London (grew up in rural Dorset though). DH (who I met in London)and I decided to buy a house outside London for the sake of DD and consequently lost contact with the few people we knew. Work colleagues lived all over so never met up outside of work anymore and as commuting everyday, never had a lot of contact with people in our community (DD in nursery so no parent & toddler groups etc). Since then, we have had 2 further DCs but have moved around quite a bit for work. DH's family live about an hour away but have always had a problem with him marrying me (I am English, he is not) so we have very rare contact with them. My family are all over the country/world so again very little face to face contact.

We have been in our current area for almost 3 and a half years and have no friends here at all. In that 3 and a half years I have got no further than an occassional 'Morning' from the other mums at the DCs school. I know it's my fault as I avoid eye contact and probably look unapproachable but it's seems to be near impossible to change the habits of a lifetime . DH works 14 hour days including weekends and I feel like I am going crazy, especially as I am now a stay at home mum due to redundancy and being pregnant again. DH's work is 15 miles away and while he has 'mates' at work, there is never a chance for him to meet up with them outside of work. It's difficult to know what to do withe DCs on weekends when I am alone with them and we usually just end up going to the library or wandering aimlessly around the town centre just to get out of the house .

I just feel like we are invisible and are living on a different planet to everyone else! MY DCs are absolutely gorgeous and funny and I want to other people to share them with and take notice of them iukwim. DD is very shy and I feel such guilt that I have contributed to her being like this as we never have any visitors or people round. I get so down about this, I just want a little human contact. Seems like we have to accept that is the way life is going to be for us. It's heartbreaking quite frankly .

With a (fairly) large family, and a dh who isn't around much to help, i doubt you have the ability to get involved at the dc's school or do volunteer work...which might bring you into repeated contact with other people so that a friendship could evolve.

IMO, given your situation, the best option is to host regular playdates for the dc 's friends, and then have a cup of tea/coffee/chat with the Mums when they come to collect.

Do you attend church? That could also be a source of social contact/support.

My opinion is that it often seems as though other people are living the "friends" lifestyle with people around every weekend and family dropping in all the time but the reality is most people are living your life.
I think it'll get better as the children get older, hope so anyway.

Yes, yes, yes, YABU. Don't give up hope.

Are you getting help for the OCD/panic attacks? Are you a bit down because of the pregnancy? Things will get better.

Perhaps your midwife/HV knows of groups you can get involved with - it's a while since I had tiny children, but there must be a surestart group near you? They usually know of social networks you can plug yourself into and it's not too late, even though you've been there for a while.

And don't, please, beat yourself up about your daughter being shy. She's her own person - my mother was painfully shy and my sisters and I turned out with an excess of confidence (and my own daughter was incredibly shy on and off when she was younger). You are not harming your children in any way by not being particularly sociable.

And just to add that everyone else feels much as you do. Honestly. No-one with a young family has a wild social life as well. All the other mums you see are probably desperate for someone to talk to.

Oh my goodness BigMomma your post was very .

I moved to an area when I was pg and lived there for almost a year and made ZERO friends- it was horrible. Despite going to baby groups all the time etc. The mums there all had grown up together and it was a very unfriendly area, quite insular. Grim.

Now I live somewhere totally different, but remember so clearly feeling isolated. It's just awful.

Can you try and get along to more baby groups with this new baby? Bf support groups at the health centre, go to your NHS antenatal classes just to meet folk (as you'l have a fair idea of what to expect from childbirth by now!)

Another thing you could try is an evening class, in anything- knitting, pottery, cooking, whatever- try your local adult learning centres who may run free courses. Just to build your confidence a bit and meet new people.

It's crap but it CAN change. Even going to a counselling/support group for your OCD? Could your GP help with that? It's all about meeting people in lots of different contexts. Friends can come in all ages too.

Best of luck.

right, new baby gives now oppertunities! got details of local mum & baby groups, which are full of woman who are readjusting to being on maternity leave and not having their old social network round them. And there's bound to be a load of first time mums who'll want to talk to someone who's "been there, done that".

are you a member of the NCT? Ours hosts 'bumps and babies' coffee mornings so could you get along to one of those now pre-baby.

advice about getting involved with the church if you go is good - ours has tonnes of stuff going on if you want to, and often have creches too.

Chin up, OP.

I am in a similar situation to you. I moved to this area six years ago and have made, ooh let me count, ZERO friends since I've been here. It was fine when I was footloose and child-free because I was working F/T so seeing workmates every day then socialising after work with mates but now I only have DS for company and he's three so we do get to talk about Thomas the bloody Tank Engine a fair bit...

I don't drive and all of my mates are child-free and 40 mins drive away so they're all working in the day when I am at home with DS. I've taken DS to various toddler mornings but the other mums are just a bit [puts dimplomatic hat on] selective about who they talk to. I think I'm friendly and approachable and being biased I think that DS is very funny and lovely and all other mums should want him as a friend for their children

Still, I refuse to let it grind me down. I have DS and DH, a good set of friends albeit a bit of a jaunt away and a brilliant mum and stepmum. Everything else can sod orf.

Yes, I am having CBT for the OCD now I finally know what's wrong with me , which is a relief as I thought I was a nutter for so long which is probably why I have been so introverted.

Can't go to anything in the evening due to DH's working patterns which change every week, so frustrating!! Have thought about getting involved with a church but just know I would be able to take it seriously as I am probably the least religious person I know.

When the baby is born I intend to go all the mum and baby groups I can but that won't be for a while yet. Have not seen any 'bumps and babies' groups in my area but will look again. Would have loved to get involved with the DCs school but was working so never had time and when I was made redundant, I was trying to find another job for ages but did'nt so decided to get pregnant again . Old age and broodiness to blame for that and hormones definitely not helping at the mo!!

Sometimes it's harder to make new friends because we're too busy feeling low and almost sabotage the friend making effort... Maybe you could try something that's all about you rather than about "them". Like others said, a class in something you enjoy might be great for finding like-minded people. Or some kind of volunteering, where you can feel part of other people's lives. You certainly shouldn't feel that this is forever; have you talked to your DH about how you feel? I read recently (on the guardian I think) that it's really healthy for couples to do stuff together, like go walking or to the cinema or something similar, just the two of them. Perhaps investing in a babysitter for a couple of hours per week could make you feel better and step out of your mummy shoes once in a while. As rewarding as it is, it's indeed hard work sometimes being a mummy...

Possibly asking for bricks to be lobbed at me (feel free, I've a thick skin, and I'll apologise in advance to the deeply religious) but I don't think that churches are necessarily just about being religious - they have an important function in the community as well, and the "community" aspect of it might work for you even if you're not religious.

Do you have any countryside/nice parks around? Only ask because I read (probably, like Nellykats, in the Grauniad) that 20 minutes outside in the countryside is enough to alleviate stress, so that might also help (aside from the fact that going to fly kites/feed ducks is just fun).

Making friends is probably secondary to making yourself feel better at the moment - as soon as you're happier in yourself, friends appear as if by magic, I've always found.

DH and I have moved around a lot too. We are just about to leave an area we have been in for 4 years. It has taken 4 years to feel at home and I do now know people here and have people I would think of as friends. However, DH works away and often I see no one other than the DCs all weekend (this weekend for example). I think a lot of people just do stuff with their families at the weekends tbh.

I have been lucky here because I made friends through our nursery. The reason though was that one mum, who is at the nursery and then commutes into the city on my train, is amazingly sociable and chats to everyone. I am like you, I am shy and avoid eye contact, but she dragged me along.

I would definitely say throw yourself into doing everything you can with your new baby and try really hard to make eye contact etc. Also, go along to everything you can, you never know what opportunities will come up if you are open to everything that comes along.

I think there are lots of us like it, but I don't think it has to be this way for ever.

I think that first of all you shouldn't feel at all odd. Lots of us are the same! I have always moved around a lot and there have been times when I have felt quite tearful when everyone seems to know everyone else.
I agree that the best thing is to throw yourself into anything that comes your way. I find that doing something practical is a great help e.g. go to a group and help wash up etc. Sometimes if you make the first move and suggest something the other person is really grateful.
At least practice making eye contact and try a comment-even if it is just 'what nice weather' at the supermarket checkout. Take little steps and the confidence comes.

Are you on fb?

Bigmomma where abouts are you?
See if you can find some local mumsnetters?
Have you though of joining the schools PA?
I am near Windsor if that is anywhere close to you, and would be happy to meet for a coffee

I also found the NCT a lifeline with a baby and toddler. They have meetings in someone's house and so they can't ignore you. They have to invite you in and introduce you. In a hall,it is all too easy not to be anyone's 'responsibility'.

im sort of the same. moved about a lot as i was married to someone in the army.
our marriage broke up and i moved to a town where family now live and i knew noone.

just over a year down the line and i know a few people. mostly as aquantices.have got in contact with few old friends though.. but even that takes time.

im 31. chattly, very friendyl and usually make friends easily. its just bloody hard when you are older i think. people arent so open to new friendships.

but i think its not helped by the fact that i work pt, never see any one dropping or picking up at nursery then am walking dog/doing housework and generally racing about. am hoping when DD starts school it might be a bit different.

who knows.