to be incandescently disappointed with the people from my antenatal class

[bigbrothermademechangemytights]

I'm probably being a bit unreasonable, but WWYD?

I've got health problems which make me exceptionally tired and make it hard for me to get out of the house much. Whilst I was pregnant and when DD was tiny I coped with this mostly really well, but now that she's getting more active, it has been starting to get me down.

I went to an antenatal class and the other mums and their DCs now meet up together several times a week. Many of the activities they do together are things I just can't do (ie swimming, night out), some of them I'm too tired for, some I can't get to (I can't drive). And once I had to cancel at the last minute because I was feeling so ill it seemed unsafe to leave the house.

I've asked on several occasions for them to come to mine, but they won't, even though I've tried to explain to them why getting out anywhere is hard.

I can't handle the frustration and the leftoutness and isolation of it any longer. I just want never to see any of them ever again.

AIBU? And WWYD?

Free groups are good. But the drawback of occasional attendance is that the regulars get all cliquey and exclusive - I don't know how to get round that.

Good,stick to them like a stalker!!!

Concentrate on the people you like, and the rest will follow.

Just becuause you have become mothers at the same time does make them nice people.

sorry typo

does not make them nice people

i actually find it much much harder to have mums and tots come to my house rather than go out to activities.

My be it is just me but all that cleaning up before and after and making tea while they are there.

I think you are justified in being upset with them but people are basically selfish. Is the are you live close to where you grew up? In this situation often old friends are the best.

I think that fact that free groups are more fluid makes them more open and friendly and less cliquey (or maybe I've just been lucky)

I only make it to my local library group every other week if that but I'm not an outsider - others come some weeks and not others too

But I worry that your expectations may be a bit high - you sound like you're looking for reliable friends and support rather than just casual mum chat.

YANBU. Sometimes people click with those they meet at antenatal classes, sometimes not, it just depends who else in your area happens to be having a baby at the same time as you. It doesn't sound as if these people are the friendly and understanding types you hope to become friends with. Are there any other local groups or classes that meet, who would be OK with you bringing your DD along? Maybe something quiet-ish and without exercise?

Are they aware of your medical condition? If you don't do things and give the reason as "being tired", it does sound like a bit of a cop out unless you were to explain further. I don't really know any doctors socially but I would imagine they are quite intolerant of illness outside of work because they get fed up of listening to people's medical complaints during work!

You clearly have a general medical issue and hence YANBU. However, I have a friend who has young children and almost never goes out because of illness/headache/being tired/house is a mess.... She has lost a lot of friends over this because people just perceive her as a whinger and are reluctant to make plans because they always get cancelled at the last minute.

I agree with an earlier poster that having people to your house is possibly more tiring than going out and that you should focus on events that don't require physical activity. If you can't get to events due to not being able to drive, can you not ask one of the friendlier mums for a lift - I am sure most people would oblige as long as they didn't have to drive massively out of their way.

I'm expecting too much of them, I do agree. I don't mean to get defensive but I prefaced this thread by saying that I knew I was being U.

But secondcoming if you think that all I do is talk about illness then you have misunderstood the whole thrust of this thread. I won't mention it unless asked to do something that I can't, and certainly would never make it a topic of conversation. As tryharder says, they probably don't realise that they don't have a clue.

And no, they're mostly too busy to give lifts.

I agree with thesecondcoming to a certain extent - I think new mums SHOULD be selfish and if getting out and active is how they cope with / embrace new mother hood then that's what they should be doing IYKWIM

I also see a lot of people these days thinking that making friends from antenatal group is a given. I am happy to chat to everyone and be inclusive at antenatal group BUT I think life is too short to meet up with EVERYONE from the class now, I meet with the ones I bonded with. This happens even more once people start going back to work. I mean you don't see EVERYONE from work outside work do you? I also get irritated by people who just want friends, but don't seem interested in individuals - the kind of people who just make you feel like a bum on a seat, or rent a crowd, and introduce you as 'one of the work girls' or 'one of the antenatal girls' not 'my friend SBS'. I tend to spot people like that fairly early on and avoid them. OP you do sound like you just want a group of antenatal class friends, rather than actually LIKING any of the individual people in the group and wanting to catch up with them for that reason IYKWIM.

Were there any women from the group that you particularly liked / hit it off with that you could meet up with just the two of you?

Hard to say. I don't really feel as though I've been able to get to know any of them yet - simply because I've not been able to spend time with them. But I feel as though, if I were to be able to get together with the group, I'd know. But it's then Catch 22 because I won't spend time with them if they can't meet when/where I can.

BTW I have asked very directly for lifts. The answers we a chorus of very direct nos.

I just feel like giving up on them all.

I also think you should try and meet up with one or two of the nice ones seperately and not try to keep up with the class. There will be cliques at things but they are generally pretty fluid and people do try ime to be friendly even if they won't put themselves out.

I had a friend from my antenatal class who found it difficult to get out, she organised a baby signing teacher to come round to her house and we all joined in the classes, took cake and drinks and cleared up afterwards. Wopuld you be able to consider this sort of thing if they're into baby improvement?

I know having a new baby myself I spend enough time in my own house, I really wouldn't want to go to someone else's - would much prefer being out.

It sounds like the only thing you have in common with them is having had babies at the same time - not really the best basis for friendship - is there anything else you are into which would involve mums?

azazello I LOVE the idea of hosting a class at mine. I can do baking and coffee, and have got a lovely big living room. I'll have a ring round some of the private companies that offer activities locally and hope they don't worry about public liability insurance.

Morloth Lots, lots I'd like to do. But it's the tiredness wich stops me. Feel so stuck.

Can you explain what it is that tires you out more meeting them out than if you were to meet with them at your house? Perhaps we can think of ways to make it easier for you to get out?

It seems as though the travel would be the most tiring part. Can you order a taxi to pick you up at your door and drop you at the coffee shop where the others are meeting? Then the meeting part should actually be less tiring, since you can sit and drink coffee/eat cake without having to do the tea making and baking yourself and without jumping up and down to bring drinks to people etc. Plus you wont have to tidy up after they've all gone! and you could get a cab home again.
I'm assuming your babies are still small enough to sit in buggies or be cuddled while you all chat.

Send out an invitation for a specific date, for a girls' night in with pizza/wine and a DVD. See if they respond - I bet a couple will respond!

from your latest posts I think they've been quite clear - your kinda stuff is not their kinda stuff. Not nice for you but fair enough on their part.

OP there ARE people out their who PREFER the stuff you're offering so time to stop fogging a dead horse with the ante natal group. If they're not going to enjoy what you want to do with them then it would be painfully uncomfortable if they DID turn up.

So many mums DETEST busy cliquey baby groups so appeal to people on meet boards who are looking for an alternative, good luck!

secondcoming I think you've summarised it all very clearly.

Short of a medical miracle nothing will help the tiredness, but I know that I'm anxious and that my anxiety is making everything worse.

And it's good to know that it's not just my impression that they hate me. Or at least, good to know that I'm less paranoid than I thought.

So yes, I'm moving on from here.

Unless anyone else has some ideas/advice, can we let this thread die?

Thanks, all of you.

I feel for you OP. Can't pretend to understand your situation wrt illness as thankfully me and my immediate family are fit and well.

To be fair to your antenatal group it sounds more as though the sort of things they want to do and the sort of things you like to do just don't go together. I ended up growing apart from some of the girls in my antenatal group (who initially I had got on with really well) becasue once our babies became toddlers the stuff we all wanted to do wasn't the same. nothing personal (although I did take it as such for a time), just a question of routines / needs not matching.

Unfortunately it sounds as though mostly what they do together works well for them. So YABU to expect them to all change what they would prefer to do in favour of what you would like to do. Afterall you do say you don't actually know any of them that well. To be honest I am not sure i would spend time doing something I didn't really want to do in order to spend time with someone I didn't really know. I would choose to do something else with someone I knew better.

YANBU to be upset and to feel let down by this. But if I were you I would do as others have suggested - stop investing time and energy in this group who are clearly not in the same place as you. And try to go to other groups / meet people online etc and you will I am sure find moer like minded people to make friends with.

Good luck

I haven't read the whole thread,(tho I will when I get a chance),but could it be that you are judging the other mums without giving them a fair go?
Do they know the full extent of your illness?I'm sure one or two of them would be delighted to offer you a lift to and from playdates etc.I know if it was me,I'd be happy to volunteer.
Also,Mothercare do a mum and baby playtime on tuesday mornings.Is there one local to you that you could get to?
Good luck.