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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

night feeds

25 replies

nothingbyhalves · 14/05/2010 12:58

Is it too much to ask DH to do the night feed on fridays and saturdays?

We have 2 month old twin boys, who have the magic feed at 11pm (Monday - thursday my DH does these so i can get a early night) Then the boys wake around 3:30-4:30 am. I do these feeds which usually take about an hour in total, is it too much to ask DH to take these off my hands on fridays and saturdays?

I don't get to catch up the missed sleep during the week at all. DH has said he will do one, but moans constantly and tries to get out of it every weekend, he says a compromise would be taking a twin each, but doesn't seem to grasp the idea that i would love love love love a weekend of unbroken sleep! I don't expect him to do it when he has work.

We had a humdinger of a row about it last night. It came out that he resents me being at home "with the opportunity to sit on my arse all day" whilst he is in work. I repeat.... twins.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Eglu · 14/05/2010 13:03

He resents you sitting on your arse all day because he has no idea what you do.

I suggest that you go out for a day or two and have him look after the twins alone. He may apprecaite you more if he understands what you do.

Eglu · 14/05/2010 13:04

YANBU btw

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 14/05/2010 13:07

He actually said he thinks you sit on your arse all day? Blimey. I agree, he needs to spend some time alone with the twins.

I'm actually struck by the fact that he thinks it's okay to use those terms when fighting his corner in the first place, never mind the inaccuracy of it all.

tryingtoleave · 14/05/2010 13:10

Tbh, the night feeds don't sound too bad for 2 months. Once hour a night is doing pretty well, especially if you can go to bed early. However, he is totally unreasonable to say you are sitting on your arse when you have twins. Rather than try to get him to do the night feeds why don't you get him to look after the babies one weekend day? After all, if it's just sitting on your arse it won't be any effort for him, will it? And then you can go and spend the day in bed if you want.

Boobaddum · 14/05/2010 13:11

No, not at all. We did this this with first DD and it seemed to work well. When we had DS, DH would moan that he couldn't get back to sleep after doing a feed so we agreed that I would do night feeds but anything after 6am he would do and then I would lay in and catch up with missed sleep. This also worked well for us.
I think I was lucky in a way because DH works Saturdays but has a day in the week off so when I went back to work part time he looked after DCs one day by himself and so knew exactly how much work was involved that there was definately not much sitting around on arses!
He needs to step up and support you more.

Original poster

nothingbyhalves · 14/05/2010 13:11

would he? the boys would be fine, but dh may wounder why the twins run out of clean clothes, why the house gets taken over with dog hair ete etc. Arhhhhhhhhhhhhh. but thanks for making me feel sane and not a diva!

OP posts:

Thandeka · 14/05/2010 13:12

hmm a tricky one. I am in a similar situation (albeit with a singleton). DH currently sleeps in spare room in the week and in with us at weekends. I am breatsfeeding but was expressing the night feeds while DD was uber slow feeder as it was faster, so he could have done nightfeeds. however my DH functions a lot worse than I do on little sleep and as he pointed out him working in the day he has to really be on the ball and use his brain whereas if I am knackered I can still just about function in the daytime and not risk fucking up my career. I agree with him on this (but if he dared ever say "sitting on my arse all day he would be deliberately woken to do the night feeds! grrr for that comment!). Since at the weekends he is completely knackered having been at work all week I don't make him do the night stuff but he will help me out if nec- eg. dd just been sick everywhere at 3am and needs changing. But what we do is he will take dd out for a few hours on a sat or sun so I can sleep then- is that something your DH could do?
I do think your DH should offer to help more at weekends- my DH does and i often dont take him up on it becuase i know he needs sleep more than me, but it is nice to be offered, but then I don't have multiples and think all bets are probably off when you have two to deal with!

fyimate · 14/05/2010 13:12

YANBU imo, my DP never helped me out when I had my DD, and he had the cheek to tell me to do more housework when I had just come out of the hospital with my newborn (btw house was already clean!)
I agree with Eglu, leave the boys with him, and dont feed them and have them all clean and dealt with before you go, your DH can do it!

ExplodingBananas · 14/05/2010 13:15

YANBU but you need to explain it to him in simple words. Men who go out to work just don't see all the things that get done around the house when they are not there.
You have a full time job too and you both deserve time off and need to rely on each other to get that.

He should definately be doing at least one night a week, without moaning or expecting a thank you, although your life might be easier if you do issue gushing praise when you emerge from your 'lie in'

so if you think he isn't getting the point expain it as you have above repeatedly until it starts to sink in!

Firawla · 14/05/2010 13:24

It's a real cheek of him to say you're sat on your arse all day especially when looking after twins, perhaps you can write a list of all what you do in a day to let him know, some men may be oblivious about what actually needs doing in a house and for small babies and children, perhaps they think like the clothes gets washed and ironed by themselves and house keeps it self clean, in addition to the child care stuff.. Its quite an offensive comment for him to say that, hopefully thats not his attitude in general and he just doesn't realise but will learn and adjust his attitude?
Atleast if you can do alternate weekends I think that would be a fair comprimise so you both get one weekend to get a better sleep. Otherwise he is being a bit selfish to never help out even on weekends. Some men/dads dont realise that they have a full time job but we do also have our hands full with kids @ home and we don't get weekends and annual leave like they do, so they need to take some of the work on weekends.
I hope you get it sorted out, and congrats on your twins!

MissusRabbit · 14/05/2010 13:28

Book a day at the spa and leave him with the kids to'sit on his arse'

Although i'm jealous you;re only up once a night -my one DS has me up every 2 hours or more!!!!

biddysmama · 14/05/2010 16:40

yanbu... i do night feeds here but thats because i have the boobies, he gets up with her on saturday morning(and sunday if its been a bad night) so i can catch up on my sleep (and he gets up for work at 4.30am during the week)

Original poster

nothingbyhalves · 15/05/2010 00:19

ok it has gotten worse. DH has got home and announced he is off to see football next weekend (this means leaving house at 7 am and coming home next day) next weekend.I can't afford to have my hair done, and have been cutting it myself since january, but he can go to london for the day. I feel like strict mum , to my husband.

OP posts:

TheNextMrsDepp · 15/05/2010 00:30

OMG!!! YANBU!!! DH needs to step up to the plate. He really seems to think it's all a doss while he's slogging his guts out at work. I'm lucky, my DH is fab and does a huge amount, but you can guarantee that if I ever collapse on the sofa with a magazine then he will magically arrive home from work 30 seconds later and say "is that what you've been doing all day?" I don't think they ever appreciate it truly. Seriously, OP, put your foot down now, you have years of childraising ahead of you.

SeaTrek · 15/05/2010 09:07

OMG YANBU!

his comment!

My DH was often a complete arse when my DS was a baby, too. That is the #1 reason why we didn't have any more children. I not talking about night-feeds, I BF so, mercifully, I don't have resentment for that. He did swear at me, in the night, the ONE time I asked him to lift DS out (bad carpel tunnel- scared of dropping him) of his cot. He did it but didn't bother seeing if I needed help putting him back in. I somehow managed using my arms. I went to the spare room and sobbed then.

Six years down the line, things are much better but it has definately been one painful step at a time of me pointing out exactly what I do and how much work it is [I am not a SAHM either), and how I don't like doing it either! Oh that infamous argument when he came up the stairs to my office (yes, I was working) to tell me that the bin needed emptying...that was a real turning point.

Sorry, didn't mean to prattle on about my life. Some men are just inherently selfish, I can see how DH became that way, and need things pointed out to them. Having children seems to bring it very much to the surface.

I would suggest, in a calm moment, sharing with your DH how this is currently the hardest job you have ever had in your life and how it makes you feel when he dismisses it as 'sitting on your arse all day'. I would probe him about his feeling about this as well.

Could you get MIL/FIL/your Mum/Dad to stay one night to do the night feed for you? If he's not stepping up to the plate then it really isn't fair that you should cover his share too, as well as your own, with TWINS!

sunnydelight · 15/05/2010 09:20

Sorry, but the guy is a complete tosser. Did you pin him down and have sex with him unwillingly and lie about contraception - no, I didn't think so! HE HAS TWINS and needs to learn how to be a parent. (I'm not usually quite so judgemental btw but the bit about him buggering off to the football next weekend has me outraged on your behalf!).

fyimate · 15/05/2010 12:46

Firstly have you spoken to him yet or just listened to what he has said?
Maybe he assumes all is well so it's ok to go to the footie?
Luckily enough my DP doesnt like football, sees it as pointless :P

alicet · 15/05/2010 14:39

OK this is clearly a problem where neither of you gets how stressful it is for the other. Dh and I were like this to a lesser extent when ds1 was born and it actually took until ds2 was born when he spent more time with ds1 on his paternity leave for him to understand that my days with the boys aren't about swannign around on endless coffee dates and catching up with friends.

It is easy for him to think you have it easy - afterall babies sleep a lot don't they? And you are at home so can chill and can go and meet up with friends during the day - what are you moaning about? (Not what I think by the way - just stating it how he obviously thinks it is). The reality is that being a new mum to 1 baby never mind 2 is f*cking hard work both physically and emotionally.

On the other hand you probably think he has it easy - afterall he gets to leave the house, have a lunch break, can emotionally come and go as he pleases with the children more than you (worse if you are breast feeding) and has proper adult conversation where you can finish a sentance without being distracted by the children. To him though, he is probably almost as tired as you as his sleep will be disturbed by you feeding the twins even if he isn't getting out of bed, he may feel that his career is at risk expecially in these uncertain times and that he is so tired at work that he can't concentrate properly making this worse. That he comes home tired from a long day at work and then has to stay up till 11am to feed the twins while you sleep then you want him to do the nights at the weekend too which is his only chance for a break!

basically what I am trying to say is that you BOTH deserve to have a break to have time for yourself and you both need to support each other to have sleep.

he is NOT unreasonable to go to the football to have a break anymore than you would be to go and get your hair done. (He is unreasonable to come and just announce it and not discuss it together)

neither of you are unreasonable to want to maximise your sleep. maybe a fair compromise would be that on the days that he does the night feeds to stay upto do the late feed so that he can go to bed early to get his sleep upfront.

It may be that he would prefer to get up in the night if he could have a lie in or it may be that the opposite is true. Dh woudl rather have an unbroken nights sleep whereas i would happily be up for an hour in the night if I could sleep late in the am.

I think in summary I am saying it is hard for each of you to be aware of how difficult it is for the other one and both of you WILL be finding it just as tough (although for different reasons. Talk to each other when you are not stressed and try and find compromises so that you both get some time to yourself and some sleep. Yes, he DOES need to realise he is now a dad and adjust his life accordingly but equally he IS entitled to some time out but so are you. Talk to each other and see if you can work it out.

Good luck

(disclaimer - post writted over a long time as I arbitrate between by 2 so probably cross posted lots. Also typos for same reason!)

alicet · 15/05/2010 14:42

This sentance: 'maybe a fair compromise would be that on the days that he does the night feeds to stay upto do the late feed so that he can go to bed early to get his sleep upfront.'

should instead read: 'maybe a fair compromise would be that on the days that he does the night feeds you stay up to do the late feed so that he can go to bed early to get his sleep upfront.' to make sense!

undercovamutha · 15/05/2010 14:52

YANBU. However, you know that already I think, and its not helping you to get your DH to pull his finger out!

IMO you need to:

Leave your DH 'holding the babies' for a full day. He will soon learn how hard it is and will appreciate you more.
Work out a compromise that you are both happy with - I think someone mentioned him doing early mornings and you doing nights? As presuming you are not going to divorce the man, having endless arguments is not getting you anywhere - you need to have an agreed plan in place.
Ensure that you put yourself first for a fixed amount of time every week (say sunday morning). You have time to do what you want to do.

FWIW, with DC1 I was a total martyr. I did everything (to be fair DH was doing a lot of DIY - but he still got an easy time of it). With DC2 I have put my foot down. On a friday we have a negotiation and agree a full day to spend as a family, and then a half a day each to go off and do something on our own. It is heaven. I've been shopping on my own this morning, and DH has gone on a bike ride this afternoon. We are a lot happpier as a result, plus DH now fully comprehends the joys of looking after 2 kids with no help!

BTW isn't it funny how its always the man who just can't function on only a small amount of sleep. My DH used to claim this too!

alicet · 15/05/2010 15:11

undercovermotha I know what you mean about only the dads not functioning with little sleep!

However to be fair i guess it IS harder to concenttrate on complicated stuff at work than changing nappies / feeding babies. So I did cut mine some slack on this! Different once you are both a towrk of course!

MissusRabbit · 15/05/2010 15:41

Me and my DH had that arrangement when DS1 was a baby and eventually on formula, and now with DS2. If one got up in the night, the other got up in the morning. You can;t have a nights unbroken sleep AND a lie-in.

Just cos mums carry the babies and give birth doesn't mean the babies are soley your responsibility. He is a parent too and needs to act like it.

Not bothered about him going to the football but am bothered that he can afford that but you can't get your hair done. Totally unfair.

biddysmama · 15/05/2010 15:45

you can borrow my dp if you want? he would love to do night feeds and have that quiet snuggle time with dd but, like i said early, i have the boobies so its only me she wants... now that i am pg and have spd, he lifts her out of the cot for me when he wakes up

biddysmama · 15/05/2010 15:45

goodlifemummy · 15/05/2010 19:01

When we had our twins, almost 5 years ago, we decided it would be easier and quicker if we both got up in the night and fed a girl each, which we did, twice a night for many nights (they were six weeks early) We figured it would be easier than me feeding one and letting the other one scream and keep him awake, makes perfect sense to me! Approx 20 mins per feed, bum change and back into cots, straight back to sleep for all of us - quite do-able!

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