to be concerned about a friend's upcoming hen weekend?

[HollyFP]

One of my friends is having her hen weekend in a few weeks (UK location, quite expensive area). At that point I will be 33 weeks pg with my first. I have been happy to go along with everything so far, have booked train tickets, paid deposit etc. However now the final schedule has come in, and it contains things like 'surprise morning activity' for over £30, plus another in the evening, as well as lots of other activities, and dressing up in comedy outfits in the evening (which i will have to buy).

All in all, it looks like it will cost over £300 for 2 nights away. I am concerned about this for various reasons:
a) they are keeping some of the activities a surprise, so I don't even know if I will be able to take part (and therefore if I should pay for them),
b) the costs are considerably more than I was expecting anyway. My own hen weekend was a max of £200 each. I know cos I paid my way everywhere.

None of the hens has kids, so likely don't understand what it's like to be 8 months pg and spending £300 on a hen weekend.

The friend getting married is a good friend and there are 5 of us close friends from uni, so it would be very weird for me not to be there. I also can't go to her wedding as it's the week after my due date.

I don't know if I'm being slightly selfish or not; is it possible to go on a hen weekend and not take part on some of the activities?! Would the Hen herself be annoyed at this? I don't want to upset her or the others, but I just feel i have different priorities now...

talk honestly to your friend. explain your concerns and see what she says. i don;t think YABU at all, but it is v difficult when you have childless friends and you have kids/are up the duff.

good luck

Yes, I agree - talk honestly with the Hen - and perhaps ask whoever is organising it what the surprise activites are... surely they can tell you if you promise not to let on to others?

Also - don't write off the wedding. I was at DH's best friend's wedding 6 days after DS was born - and he was 9 days overdue. It was surprisingly easy, DS slept most of the time!

I don't think YABU - that is a lot of money for anyone, kids or no kids, and I'm surprised really that the organisers haven't asked everyone if they are ok with that level of cost.

I would say to the organisers that you can't really afford the extras, you thought it was just going to be cost of hotel and travel and you haven't budgeted for the rest.

There may well be others saying (or thinking) the same thing.

Maybe they can change the plans to something a bit cheaper if they get enough notice.

OMG I couldn't even go to my sisters wedding in London at 8 months preg because it would have been too much for me. You are soooooo brave even attempting to do this.

You have to talk to her. There is no point in paying for something you simply can't do. BTW ....soba with a load of p up women. Ummm no thanks.

supergreen totally with you on the sober front

thanks for the advice, I'll get in touch with the organiser and try not to feel guilty about being a killjoy...

I went to a wedding, 2 hours away, just 6 days after I had my DD, so you may yet manage to go to the actual wedding

I recently had to say no to a friends hen weekend a few weeks ago as it would have cost me over £600. (train tickets, activities, dinners, hen present, plus having to buy clothes to wear for it, I only have scruffy jeans and t shirts). I just couldn't do it, it would have meant stopping ds after school activities this term as I couldn't afford to do both (he is home ed so needs to do certain classes).

She isnow not speaking to me as I told her I couldn't afford to go.

forgot to say, the friend's wedding is in a chateau in France. This cost is on top of the hen weekend, obv.

I have set a limit of £50 (including absolutely everything) per person for my hen night, and I was worried that was too high. So, YANBU.

these OTT hen dos really piss me off.

I would just do what you feel comfortable doing - and don't pay anymore money.

In your shoes I'd probably do the drinks and meal, stay one night and then let them get on with their: pole dancing, synchronised swimming, wine tasting, bungee jumping, circus skills masterclass bollocks.

I think being pregnant is a fantastic get-out clause for you.

Simply say that you'll be delighted to come for the dinner and to stay in the hotel, but that you suspect that you'll be too tired for the rest. In fact, Dr's orders (ahem) are that you have to take it easy.

That way you are implicitly not criticising them for organising something way over the top.

Which they are BTW.

Aside from whether or not you can afford it (and it sounds horribly expensive to a skinflint like me!)... YA definitely NBU to go and just not join in with everything

I went to a hen weekend when I was maybe 34 weeks pregnant and we had lunch and the afternoon activity, then I went off and had a (much needed!) nap before joining everyone else again for dinner at restaurant... and I sloped off home when they all went out clubbing at 10.30. And I met them all again for brunch next day.

I asked the bride in advance if it'd be ok if I bailed out of some bits and went to bed early, and she was absolutely fine about it. She didn't have children, and nor did anyone else - though there was someone else there who was pg - and they were all v sympathetic and made sure I had a seat and things. Most of them seemed impressed I'd made it out and were in awe of my giant bump!

I also think you'd be being v reasonable to ask whoever's organising what the secret activities are, just to find out if you should pay / can join in, and just swear you'll not tell anyone.

If they're good friends, and you're giving lots of notice that you might not be able to do everything, surely they'd just be happy to see you!

How appallingly self absorbed - "I want pampering and you are going to cough up £300 for the pleasure of my company or I will sulk"

Speak to the bride and explain that you are looking forward to the weekend but will be too tired to party full on for the whole weekend. Speak to the organiser and choose which activities you want to go on and pay for those. It's quite reasonable to say that you will be too tired to take part in everything so want to conserve your energy for the bits you think you would most enjoy. Also, re cost, you are saving on the wedding (outfit, accomodation, travel, etc) so see the hen weekend as a saving!!

YANBU
I went to my good friend's at 38wks. I did lunch and afternoon spa, then it was dinner at hers and clubbing - I obviously missed the clubbing! Next day they did brunch and some other activity. I cried off the other activity due to skintness which she understood. She was just chuffed I went (and was bridesmaid 5 weeks post birth all flobby and leaky) and wouldn't have dreamt of expecting me, or anyone in fact, to spend money they couldn't afford.

These hen dos piss me right off. Mine was one evening, drinks/food/games at my friend's house followed by clubbing. people could have turned up and spent zero if they wanted. I spent about £50 on booze and snacks. It was brilliant.

Why do people say yes to these things then moan about the cost? When did a hen night/weekend ever consist of just 'travel and hotel'? Did you really think there wouldn't be meals to be paid for, activities, treats for the hen herself...? What did you think the weekend was going to consist of? Sitting around playing pass the parcel?

If you feel you are good enough friends with the person then say yes and go and enjoy it.

If you begrudge spending the money say no politely, and keep away.

I've said no to hen nights where I don't feel I really know the hen well enough to want to spend a whole weekend and £££s with/on them.

Equally I will go to Hen Nights of good friends and if it's a weekend away then I realise that it ain't going to be free!

Oenopod it's the fact that it's costing at least £100 more than I (or some other hens) expected, and that it won't necessarily be pregnant-friendly (ie so why should i pay for it).

Of course I don't expect them to sit around, but I just feel differently now than when I was first invited months ago.

I do feel bad about it though - hence the thread.

The OP happily asked her friends to cough up £200 for her own hen night. With inflation, etc £300 is not that different

I can sympathise with the pregnancy thing, but you should have pulled out the moment you knew you were up the duff, or go anyway knowing that you will not be able to partake in abseiling or boozing... but go with good grace not fucking resentment.

BTW the way I didn't have a hen night

I still don't see why you didn't expect it to be more than the travel and hotel. There were BOUND to be other expenses - you gotta eat for starters.

I take it the organiser knows that you are pregnant? Unless she's thick as pigshit then she won't have booked you a place on an unpasteurised cheese tasting or paragliding will she? Or am I over-estimating your friend's intelligence.

I still say you should have pulled out completely once you knew you were pregnant or just go and suck it up with a big smile on your face.

Yanbu.

£300 is a lot of money, whether you have kids or not, but only you know if you can afford to spend it. However, I certainly wouldn't be paying for extra activities without knowing what they were and whether you could participate in them.

If the bride (and the other hens) are good friends I'd expect them to understand that you're not being a killjoy but that some activities are inadvisable when pg and also that you have different financial priorities.

I went on 2 hen parties when pg. At both, the hens - neither of whom had DC - were happy with me opting out of roller coasters, quad biking and late night clubbing. They were just glad I was there. I felt the same with my own hen night, pre DC for me, when one of my bridesmaids was 6 mths pg. I was happy she came along to those parts of the day - spa and restaurant - that she was up for and didn't mind in the least that she ducked out of the cheesy clubbing at the end of the day.

I went to a sten do last month with DH for our best friends, I'm only 4 months. I couldn't take part in the its a knockout challenge so became offical photographer and obviously couldn't drink so usually retired early to the hotel which everyone was great with. They couple got me a discount and it cost less than £300 for me and DH for the whole weekend! so you are not being unreasonable about the cost, thats very expensive

Thanks Sariska and RooBear for your helpful replies - I think to pay £100 extra is actually quite a lot of money on top of the original budget.

Hopefully the bride and organiser will understand, and I can opt out of stuff as you all say.

I know what you mean. With a hen night + hen weekend, plus hotel plus outfit plus present, it's costing about £800 to go to my cousin's wedding, which I can't possibly not go to. And another £500 for another cousin's wedding this year.

As others have said, have a chat with the hen. She won't know there's any problem unless you speak up.

Wow, what happened to a drunken night at the local comedy club and a kebab on the way home!

£300 PER PERSON ON A HEN DO!!! My total wedding is costing that!