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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is my dad?

25 replies

GeraldineAubergine · 13/05/2010 06:54

After reading a lot of threads this week Re: wills I have been thinking about a situation I am in.

My mum died very suddenly 4 years ago, which was horrific. She had been estranged from my dad for about ten years but they were still friendly and in contact. when she died my dad suddenly said that they were planning to get back together (which was untrue, he had a partner at the time who he dumped shortly after this) and that he would take her house, her lump sum, savings and have an annual pension from her job (250,000). My mum had always paid the mortgage as my dad never had a job when they lived together and in fact was not always kind or fair to my mum.

At the time I didn't care as I was upset about my mum and my brother didn't want to say anything to my dad, but the rest of my family were really annoyed on mine and my brothers behalf. My mum didn't want to leave my dad with nothing but then she didn't want me and my brother to have nothing either. In fact I think it was fair for my dad to have something, not everything IYSWIM.

I asked my dad if I could borrow a small sum out of this amount this year to put a deposit on a flat and pay him back. He claims he is a poor pensioner now and cant loan me it (he bought two houses and three cars). He is currently living abroad with a different girlfriend. AIBU to not want to speak to him again. What would you do?

OP posts:
BouncingTurtle · 13/05/2010 06:58

YANBU to be angry with him, he sounds like a very callous and uncaring individual.
Not sure what you can do about it though
We only ever expect the best from our parents and it is so hurtful when they treat you this way.

MortaIWombat · 13/05/2010 07:02

He is a cunt. Take great pleasure in turning your back on him when he is old and needs support (and suddenly close relationships with family become oh-so-much-more-important than all the riches in the world).
Very for you (assuming you are not multi-millionaire)

Original poster
GeraldineAubergine · 13/05/2010 07:10

I suppose that's the coclusion I have come to as well. I have tried to take the higher ground and be kind to him as he's my dad, but since having ds I miss my mum more than ever and know how excited and involved she'd be. He's not really being true to her memory. I am not a millionaire btw

OP posts:
Lonnie · 13/05/2010 07:30

did your mother have a will? were they divorced at the time>

I think I would see a solicitor and ask about the legalities of all this

YANBU

Plumm · 13/05/2010 07:32

Have you spoken to a solicitor about this?

Original poster
GeraldineAubergine · 13/05/2010 07:39

They were still married. She didn't have a will, was planning to write one but never had time. I don't really want to go to a solicitor, just not sure whether to cut my dad out or not. It's not that I want 'my share' so to speak. I want him to do the right thing.

OP posts:
Cannotfindaname · 13/05/2010 08:46

What a total tosser. What is it about money that brings out the worse in people.

He is not going to be fair and do the right thing, he has already proven that by his actions. If you don't want to go to a solicitor, there isn't anything you can do. Cut him out. But I would go to a solicitor because he has completely go away with all this money that wasn't his. Surely the fact that they were estranged for 10 years will count?

Sorry for your loss btw.

Original poster
GeraldineAubergine · 13/05/2010 08:58

I am also loathe to see a solicitor as it would upset my brother. I also worry about ds not having a granddad.

OP posts:
Cannotfindaname · 13/05/2010 09:01

Isn't your brother annoyed by what your dad has done too?

As for your DS not having a grandad, if he is living abroad, how much does he actually see him?

Its up to you if you can get past this tbh. But if your DS grows up knowing what happened, I would make sure he knows that is totally unaaceptable behaviour from someone, especially a parent.

Original poster
GeraldineAubergine · 13/05/2010 09:07

My brother has done well for himself and my dad used to insinuate he should spend more on him for birthdays etc or always try and persuade him to pay for things when out and about. So I feel my brother is glad in a way dad is self sufficient and out of his hair now. He's more upset that dad doesn't send us birthday cards etc. I can't imagine, now that I have a child, how you could ever treat them cruelly. My mum was the same.

OP posts:
Cannotfindaname · 13/05/2010 09:10

I can't imagine it either! I am sitting here thinking about it and my dad would never do this to any of his children. Although parents aren't always 'parents'. My mother buggered off when I was 4 and still won't have anything to do with me. Especially now I am a mummy, I can't see how anyone can do this to their own child.

Some people are just very very selfish.

Original poster
GeraldineAubergine · 13/05/2010 10:04

You are quite right and am sorry you had a hard time with your mum.

OP posts:
cupcakesandbunting · 13/05/2010 10:10

You're worried about your child not having a grandad but I'd rather mine had no grandad than one that values ill-gotten money over his relationship with his daughter. He sounds horrible. You're better off without him or his money. He'll die a lonely old man and it'll serve him right. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

fireupthequattro · 13/05/2010 10:17

YANBU - if you want a share of the money your mum would have wanted you to have then you should speak to someone in the legal profession or CAB?

In my situ, df took everything (paid dm out of mortgage) said he wanted to keep everything for us just like it was - then moved in common law wife and told us he never wanted to see us again. When he died of cancer at 51 she got the lot.

I visited once after his death, it was strange watching her family sitting on our furniture drinking out of our china etc...Funnily enough because dad was such a twunt (there I've said it out loud and I don't care) by throwing us out after divorce it felt like a relief to walk away from it all...I finally felt free...

Oh yes as other posters have mentioned - they both got in touch with us to see if we could be potential bone marrow donors or sit by his bedside as his last request....

I answered - to do what? Reminisce about the times he used to beat the crap out of us, or when, as a toddler he broke a stereo over my head one night because I couldn't sleep (I did once he punched me unconscious)???.

claw3 · 13/05/2010 10:30

Whether they were planning to get back together or not, is irrelevant in the eyes of the Law. They were not divorced.

If estate is NOT more than £250,000 All goes to husband/wife.

If estate over £250,000 ? The first £250,000 to husband/wife. Half of the rest is shared amongst the children. Other half in trust.

Its called the Intestacy Law. Thats what you are entitled to legally, morally is different story.

minipie · 13/05/2010 10:38

I've just had a quick google and I think that if your mum had no will, and if what she left was worth more than 125k in total, then your dad is NOT entitled to all of it legally.

He would be entitled to 125k. You and your sibs would be entitled to half the rest immediately, and half the rest when your dad died (before he dies, he has the right to the interest on that half, but he can't spend it).

So what he is doing is illegal (assuming what I've just read is correct). And I bet he knows this too.

I know you said that you didn't want to go to a lawyer, and I know that getting your share won't mean that your father is "doing the right thing" - it will just mean he's been forced to pay out by your lawyers.

But I would still encourage you to get some legal advice and get your share, or at least some of it, from him. It would at least mean your mother's wishes have been respected better.

In answer to your question - it is entirely reasonable of you to not want to speak to him. Get your lawyers/ the CAB to do so.

minipie · 13/05/2010 10:40

cross posted with claw3 looks like my googling was not quite right

all the more reason to get some advice

Original poster
GeraldineAubergine · 13/05/2010 10:46

Thanks for the advice and sorry to theother posters who have been through similar. When I have spoken to my dad about this he almost makes it sound reasonable and it's what my mum wanted. I feel awful for being angry over it as money won't bring my mum back. I haven't really spoken to other people about it so it's been good to hear that im not mad and he is wrong.

OP posts:
fireupthequattro · 13/05/2010 10:48

I was thinking more about your share AFTER you dad dies?

If he has a partner/girlfriend and she becomes a common-law wife won't she be entitled?

claw3 · 13/05/2010 10:56

Minipie, im by no means a solicitor either just studied Law a while back, pre kids. Advice on the internet, is by no means a substitute for the real thing, just well meaning, point you in the right direction kind of thing

OP - the other thing is, if your dad marries his girlfriend, leaves no will, she will get your dads estate (which in fact was your mums estate)

All the more reason to seek legal advice.

Curiousmama · 13/05/2010 11:04

So for you. Don't think I'd want anything to do with him. How very sneaky. I can imagine you feel he should be part of your child and any future childrens lives but he sounds very very selfish to me.

Original poster
GeraldineAubergine · 13/05/2010 12:01

The thing is curious, when I was little he wasn't the greedy person he is today which is why I feel sorry for ds if he never gets the chance to see his good side. On the other hand he wouldn't be abroad if he was interested. It's hard to understand.

OP posts:
Curiousmama · 13/05/2010 16:16

yes very hard to understand so sorry you're going through this. Hope you can just get on with your life and try to put him at the back of your mind?

MissCromwell · 13/05/2010 17:18

I think I would get some legal advice. If they were estranged for that length of time maybe it does make a difference - you need to know.

Also is there somebody who could talk to him about it - another family member? Or you could just tell him you are taking legal advice and - given that he has been pulling a bit of fast one it seems - he might rethink his position.

That is just the money angle though. He sounds horrible, and I agree with other posters, YANBU to get him out of your life.

GeekOfTheWeek · 13/05/2010 17:35

Get some legal advice.

Your dad sounds like a conniving fucker.

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